Love Each Day
by MyHeroRaven
Summary: "Remember to love each day… for there may not be another," When Carlos decides to play the role of vigilante he finds himself facing off against a dangerous foe. Will he make it out alive? Or will he fall? Slash, Jarlos.
1. Prologue

**Title: Love Each Day **

**Author: MyHeroRaven**

**Summary: "Remember to love each day… for there may not be another," When Carlos decides to play the role of vigilante he finds himself facing off against a dangerous foe. Will he make it out alive? Or will he fall? SLASH JARLOS! **

**Warnings: Okay there are a ton of these but let me try and narrow it down: ****rape, murder, character death, slash, homophobia, possible drug use, detailed torture (blood), cursing, racial slurs, abuse, self harm and eating disorders. Ladies and Gentlemen… This is rated M for a reason. **

**Categories: Mystery, Crime, Adventure, Friendship, Romance, Hurt/Comfort, and Suspense. **

**Character: This is going to be a JARLOS fic that means James and Carlos in a romantic relationship. Although I don't know how much romance there is going to be what with all the angst. But there will def be some loving at some point. I promise : ). I have FCMD: Favorite Character Mutilation Disorder and my Favorite character is Carlos. Hands down. This fic is going to be about all of the boys, but Carlos is truly the star. There aren't that many Carlos fics out there so I decided to do something about that. **

**A/N: Homophobia is wrong, today the world tells you that it is OK to torture, maim, and take the life of someone who is gay and string them up like lights on a fucked up christmas tree. The world is a sick place… **

**So let's change it. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush. **

**Dedication: I am a proud and out lesbian and I've seen some pretty disturbing things in my time. So this is dedicated to all that have dealt with homophobia in their lives, from being abused at home or at school, to having people make you feel like utter crap, and to those that have already lost the fight and have had their lives taken from them. This is for you. The unspoken, unknown Heroes. **

**Stand up for your right to love.**

**Beta: My beta for this story is the incredible, amazing, talented, and beautiful: BTRlover17. You truly rock! Thank you for helping me with my first BTR chapter story, it really means a lot. **

**I was going to do a shout out section, but I want to wait till the end of the story. A lot of you have inspired me and you know who you are. This is also for you. **

**Special thanks to Besosybrazos. You've helped me more than you will ever know. Thank you my friend. : )**

**Ok enough with this, I've talked far too much already. I hate doing A/N because I feel it takes away from the story. This is my last A/N for the rest of the story. Because I feel the story speaks for itself.**

**If you have any questions PM me.**

**SPECIAL DEDICATION: This is for the girl that got away. I'll always love you, though you are gone you live within me, and you always will. **

**3**

**Prologue**

**Carlos POV**

My eyes started to adjust and there was a sharp pain running through my arms. My chest felt tight and every second that went by just made it a million times worse. Where was I?

I looked around and soon realized that I wasn't safe in my bed at the Palm Woods. My head was throbbing and I could feel something slick running down the side of my face. It was blood. I must have been hit in the head. It hurt so badly and it was hard to keep my eyes open. I felt sleepy, but I've heard that when you get a head injury that you need to stay awake. I think it's because you can fall asleep and never wake up if you do. I started to hyperventilate, my brown eyes widening with fear as the panic set in.

"HELP PLEASE! SOMEONE HELP ME! AYÚDENME POR FAVOR! YO NECESITO AYUDA POR FAVOR ALGUIEN! NADIE! ¡Por Favor!" I screamed. It hurt my throat to yell, and I had started to speak Spanish. It was compulsive… I only spoke my native tongue when I was scared.

And I had good reason to be!

I was completely alone in what seemed to be a cellar. It was dirty and the smell of rust was strong… wait that's not rust. Its blood; the sickening and thick coppery scent of blood eroding my senses. Dirt and grime covered the walls of my surroundings. I could hear water dripping from the sink in the corner. I couldn't see much though; the room was so dark. I tried to get up so I could walk around and get a better look. But I couldn't move.

I looked up and realized that my wrists were shackled and bound to the ceiling by a pair of chains; the cold metal chafing against my wrists. My ankles were chained as well to the floor, making it hard for me to stand. I couldn't move.

What was I doing before I got here? I was at the club. Hunting for him like I had been doing for the last month. I was at the club. I was at the club, I can't remember! I can't remember what the hell happened! Okay Carlos breath, remember what your abuelita used to say before she passed away: love each day... for there may not be another. I have to stay positive, that's what she always told me. I need to think about the good things!

Well, nothing seems to be broken. I think I still have my kidney… and I'm not dead. _Yet._ Don't think like that! My friends will find me! They always find me, Kendall, Logan, and James. James… _James._ He'll never know, he'll never know how much I love him, how I've _always _loved him. I'm going to die and he'll never, ever know.

_Way to be negative._ But it's true. Oh God, I'm locked in a cellar, bleeding and injured, with a serial killer, a rapist, a man that preys on gay boys. I'm gay, and none of my friends knows where I am. _I __have__ to stay positive._ Come on I'm Carlos! I can do anything! I can make it! I looked up at the chains above my head and I pulled and pulled, thinking like they do in the movies where the Hero gets the strength he needs at the last second and makes a miraculous escape

But this wasn't the movie, I wasn't a Hero, I wasn't even the damsel in distress, I was just a 15-year-old boy, a _kid_, trapped and at the mercy of a madman. My heart strayed back to James the look in his eyes when he laughs, when he smiles, when he told me, _you'll never be able to do it._ He was right. What was I thinking going head to head with a serial killer? A murderer? I'm just a stupid little boy in love, desperate for _his_ attention. I'm in love with someone who will probably never love me back. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Fucking stupid Carlos! I'm always doing something reckless! And look where's it's gotten me! _But…_ But… what? _But you have to make it. For your friends… you have to make it for your friends… for James._ Yeah. I can do this, I'll survive for James. Hope elated within me, filled me up till I was ready to burst. I could do this.

BANG!

All of a sudden a small light filtered at the other end of the room and I knew that the door had been opened. Heavy footsteps descended the stairs, descended upon my heart making me feel like I was going to be violently sick. As the footsteps neared I felt tears fall from my eyes and in that moment all hope and courage I had found went out like a light.

_I am going to die._

**P.S. Okay that's the end of the prologue. This is going to be a long story. **

**Oh and I changed the boy's ages. Here are the ages for MY story:**

**Carlos: 15 almost 16.**

**James: 16**

**Kendall: 16**

**Logan: 16 almost 17. **

**Remember Love Each Day, the point of this is because homophobes people that torture and hurt and abuse feed off of hate. The only way to fight hate is with love. Don't live with hate in your hearts… the whole damn world hates me, so why should I hate myself? Love each day and be proud because tomorrow could be your last. **

**MyHeroRaven**


	2. I'll Get You

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush. **

**Chapter 2 I'll Get You:**

The morning light was shining through the curtains slowly waking Carlos Garcia from his already light sleep. He had been rolling around in bed since dawn deciding whether or not he wanted to wake up. Guess he didn't have much of a choice now; the sun was _clearly_ not going to let him get any more sleep. He rolled over facing away from the sun to give one last half-hearted try at getting back to sleep. But what he saw in that moment stole his breath and heart. James Diamond, the Face, best friend, band mate, and the boy he loved more than life itself lay sprawled across his bed like some sort of Greek God come from heaven to tease and torture Carlos. The way the sun hit his face illuminated his already golden skin, lips slightly parted and eyes fluttering, but he was still out of it. James was a heavy sleeper; he could sleep through an earthquake. Carlos on the other hand couldn't sleep through a whisper. It really made falling asleep a pain in the ass. Especially on the tour bus because of all the noise from the bus and the engine. All the other boys could sleep through anything! But no, Carlos couldn't.

Kendall Knight, Logan Mitchell, James Diamond, and Carlos Garcia were all in a boy band called Big Time Rush. Originally from Minnesota they moved out their when they got their big shot, and well here they are. Living at the Palm Woods hotel, recording music, and just altogether having a great time. Carlos' eyes trained back to James. He wondered what it would be like to touch his skin, just reach out and caress his cheek. Brush the hair away from his eyes. Carlos shook himself of these feelings. Sure he was gay and all, but he was in the closet only Kendall and Logan knew about his sexuality and his love for James. Kendall and Logan were gay as well and they were together to top it off but they hid it from James. Not because they thought he wouldn't be accepting but because they wanted to wait till they were ready. Carlos on the other hand would probably die alone taking his secret to his grave. Though that depressed Carlos, he decided it was time to get up and get ready before this love sickening depression killed him.

Throwing back his covers and crawling out of bed Carlos headed to his hamper to grab a towel for a shower. It was going to be a _long_ day. They had 5 hours of harmonies, an interview, and they had to work on three new songs for the upcoming album. It's not that Carlos didn't love singing but sometimes it was just exhausting. Heading towards James' and his shower he shut the door behind him turning the shower on. While waiting for the water to warm he stared into the mirror. He made a couple crazy faces and then stood on his tiptoes trying to make himself seem taller. Carlos hated to be short. It was annoying to be the shortest out of all his friends. Even _Logan_ was taller than him. He felt like a munchkin. Turning away from the mirror Carlos checked the water temperature. It was perfect, shedding himself of his red plaid pajama bottoms and gray t-shirt Carlos climbed into the shower, under the spray. His dark hair instantly became damp and rubbed his face as if he had just had a long and stressful day, hoping to wake himself up more. Grabbing some of the body wash he lathered a loofah as well as he could before washing his body. However his mind wasn't on what was happening in the shower. It was on the boy still sleeping soundly in the next room. James, James and Carlos, Carlos and James, it had a nice ring to it- Carlos stopped himself before he let his fantasies run away with him. Or without him knowing his luck. Carlos sighed thinking about that perfect boy, that perfect body. He felt heat pool in his stomach and looked down. _Shit_ Carlos thought. He was sporting an impressive hard on and it didn't seem to be going away any time soon. He was going to have to get rid of it somehow. Cold shower? Jerk off? Cold shower? Yeah no he was going to just take care of it himself, Carlos _hated_ cold showers.

He moved his hand down his body until he reached his cock, gripping the base as he began to pump gently, getting into the rhythm of things. He thought about James again, about those perfect abs, his toned broad chest. He pictured him hovering above him nibbling on his earlobe, whispering softly into his ear. Carlos moaned and picked up the pace of his hand. He started to play with his nipples, pinching and twirling, teasing, imagining it was James doing that to him. He pictured James' hands running all over his body. He felt that fluttery feeling in his stomach telling him he was going to cum soon. He whispered James' name like worship, a desperate chant.

"James," Carlos moaned and he came. Pumping until he was spent he looked down and watched his seed wash away, down the drain.

He always felt not so great after thinking about James and coming, because he knew it was unrealistic and every time he did it made him sadder at the thought that those fantasies would never come true. Carlos felt hurt as he reached for the shampoo and lathered some into his hair scrubbing hard, as if he could scrub away the thoughts of James from his brain. It didn't work. Rinsing and grabbing the conditioner he repeated what he did with the shampoo and washed it from his hair. Turning off the faucet and stepping out of the shower Carlos grabbed a towel and wrapped it firmly around his waist.

Walking into his room he started to rummage through his draws trying to find a pair of jeans to wear. He had a bunch of faded jeans but he was so sick of wearing light colored jeans so he opted for the plain and loose low cut black jeans in the far corner. Dropping his towel and putting on a plain of boxers with hockey sticks on them, he pulled the jeans over his legs and buttoned them. Carlos walked shirtless to his closet in search of a shirt. He already knew what he was going to wear and he pulled the black long sleeve shirt from its hanger and pulled it on. It was his favorite shirt; it was so soft against his skin and simple. Carlos wasn't a fan of flashy. Hearing noises from the kitchen Carlos padded his way out of his closet, shutting the door, and walking out of his room. Kendall, Logan, Mrs. Knight, and Katie were already in the kitchen. Hearing a noise behind him he realizes that James must be up and already getting ready for the day. Yeah like five hours later he'll be ready. No that's an exaggeration. He'd probably be ready in half an hour or so. Turning back to the kitchen Carlos saw that Logan and Kendall were already eating their breakfast and Mrs. Knight was reading a magazine munching on some buttered toast. Katie was camped in front of the TV watching the news. Surprise, Surprise. Carlos mumbled a small 'good morning' to everyone before grabbing a box of Captain Crunch and pouring it into a small bowl. Adding some skimmed milk he grabbed a spoon and napkin and sat down at the table with Kendall and Logan and started to dig in. He was famished.

20 minutes or so later James emerged looking fucking perfect as always. He said good morning before grabbing an apple, Jeeze anorexic much, Carlos thought with a laugh. Everyone stared at him as if he were crazy. He didn't realize it but he had laughed out loud.

"Just thought of a joke, it's about a rabbit and a-"

"Carlos it is too early in the morning for one of your not-so-funny jokes," Logan said in an irritated fashion. '_Someone didn't get laid last night.'_ Carlos thought.

Carlos felt a tap on his shoulder and looked and saw James' thousand watt smile nearly blinding him.

"Tell me about the rabbit later okay?" James said smiling sweetly. Carlos melted.

"Kay."

"Hey! Bro come look at this," Katie said calling out to Kendall. All the boys and Mrs. Knight walked over to the TV. What they saw shocked them.

"_Last night another body was found. The serial killer that has been plaguing LA has struck again. The victim's name was Adam Banks, 15. He was a local kid that played hockey. His parents say he was the model student. He had been missing for a week and his body was just found. The person responsible has not been caught but it seems his MO is teenage boys that are homosexual. It is stated that this is a hate crime and Adam was the 14__th__ victim in the last 4 months. Please be aware and parents keep your kids safe. It seems that the killer is very… brutal. The cause of death is still undetermined. In other news-"_ Mrs. Knight turned the TV off looking queasy.

'What the hell?' Carlos thought. Anger bubbled up in his chest, threatening to suffocate him. What kind of monster could do something like that? The kid was 15, he was Carlos' age. He couldn't fathom any reason for hurting someone like that. He looked over and Kendall and Logan both looked disturbed and were sitting very close. 'They're gay… what if it had been Logie? Or Kendall?' Carlos thought. Carlos' heart started to hurt. This was horrible. 'What if it were me?' Carlos thought.

"That's just awful," Mrs. Knight said before making Katie get off the couch and go get ready. They had another audition today. Carlos stared at his hands as they left the room, leaving just the boys. Carlos knew what he had to do. Jumping up he turned to stare at his friends.

"I'm gonna catch this guy! This is sick and wrong. Kendall, what if it was Logie that was found face down in a pool of his own blood? Logan what if it were Kendall?" Carlos asked after seeing the skeptical looks his friends were giving him.

"Carlos it couldn't happen to any of us, none of us are gay, the new reported said it was a hate crime," James said standing up to put his dish in the sink. Kendall and Logan shared an uneasy look.

"That's not the point! It's happening to other boys, that Banks kid is MY age James," Carlos said.

"You shouldn't even attempt to go after a serial killer Carlitos. One because you're not smart enough, no offence, the chances of you catching this one serial killer in all of LA is like 5 percent, The chances of you getting killed trying to do it is 10 percent. And the chance of you getting hurt in general is 97.5 percent, but that may just because you're you. It's not worth it to get all worked up over something you have no control over. Come on 'Los think of it logically," Logan said getting up with Kendall and joining James in putting their dishes in the sink.

"You'll never be able to do it," James said looking Carlos dead in the eyes. He had a stern look, but something else there, maybe pity? Sympathy?

Carlos looked down at his hand. 'They don't think I can do it,' he thought. 'They think I'll fail.' 'I won't fail. I've got to do this. For the boys that died, for the people that can't speak for themselves, for the victims that haven't become victims yet. I have to do this because it's the right thing to do.' Carlos thought. He straightened his shirt and wiped away invisible crumbs on his pants before looking up at his friends.

'They can never know that I'm going to do this.'

"Yeah you're right. Dude going after a serial killer? Me? That just screams disaster! I'd probably get myself killed," Carlos said with a huge grin across his face, dimples large.

All of his friends break out into grins, mimicking Carlos being sneaky and trying to hunt down a killer. It was all fun and games too until Carlos shoved Logan and he fell on his butt. Kendall helped him up and said that they should get ready to go to work. Agreeing, everyone went to get their stuff ready for the day.

Carlos however, had a plan. He went into the bathroom he and James shared and locked the door behind him. Looking in the mirror Carlos felt instantly guilty for what he was about to do. He turned the sink on letting the water get as hot as it could, and then he grabbed his tooth brush and knelt in front of the porcelain throne.

"Sorry Captain Crunch," Carlos started to shove the tooth brush down his throat until he had thrown up his entire breakfast. When he was done with that he put his tooth brush away and grabbed a washcloth. He dipped the washcloth in the hot water until is soaked. Then, careful not to get water everywhere, he stuck the rag to his forehead instantly warming it. He did his best to make it look like he was sweaty. Hanging the washcloth up he dropped to his knees in front of the toilet and called James' name.

"What's wrong? Jeeze Carlos! Are you ok?" James asked worriedly as he knelt beside the 'not-so-sick' boy, rubbing circles on his back. Carlos made sure to grip the toilet seat hard enough that his knuckles turned white.

"Mhh no, I don't feel 'sgood," Carlos moaned pretending to dry heave.

"Guys! I don't think Carlos can come to the studio today!" James yelled, as the others walked into the bathroom.

"Oh gross Carlitos," Kendall said stepping back a bit. He was never good with blood or vomit.

"You're going to need to lay down. Try and get some sleep, and we'll deal with Gustavo," Logan said frowning slightly.

"Are you sure I can-" Carlos started.

"No! You're going back to bed," James said as he started to lift Carlos up. He felt lighter than usual. Kendall and James helped maneuver Carlos into his bed and Logan grabbed some aspirin and a glass of water, offering it to the smaller boy.

"Thanks guys," Carlos said weakly.

"I'm going to go tell my mom that you're sick and staying here. Feel better man," Kendall said walking out of the room with Logan in tow. James stayed and tucked Carlos in brushing away some stray hairs from his damp forehead.

"Feel better Carlos, if you need anything my cell will be on all day," James said smiling softly before leaving the room as well.

Carlos lies in bed feeling a horrible. That was the first time he had ever lied to his friends, his _brothers_. That was the first time he lied to _James._ It wasn't a good feeling. Carlos didn't like lying. It made him feel like crud. 'But it has to be done; you want to catch that guy don't you?'

"Yeah it has to be done," Carlos mumbled. He lay there waiting until he heard the front door slam close, he waited another 5 minutes before throwing the covers off of him and heading over to his desk where his laptop was.

Typing in his password he pulls up MSN and finds the new report right away. He starts to read through all of the articles, writing things down and saving websites as he sees fit. He sees a link that says: crime scene photographs. He clicks and instantly regrets it, anger bubbles inside of him. He sees what this _monster_ has done to other boys, boys his age, boys younger, _boys just like him_. And it _kills_ him. His eyes narrow and darken.

"I'll catch you, no matter what it takes. I'll get you."

**P.S. Anyone else like that rabbit part? I loved it : ) **

**Oh and if you know who Adam Banks is, you get a cookie; no seriously, I'll send you a box of cookies. Yum…**

**MyHeroRaven**


	3. Who Am I?

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush**

**Chapter 3 Who Am I? **

"James you need to chill," Kendall said for what felt like the hundredth time. The boys were on their way back from the studio, it had been a really long day and they were all wiped. James had been worrying about Carlos all day, and nothing Logan or Kendall would say helped.

"What if he's like really sick? Carlos NEVER gets sick? I hope he's okay. Maybe we could do a movie night, maybe that will make him feel better!" James said enthusiastically.

Logan shifted so that he was closer to Kendall. He really wanted Kendall to hold his hand but they couldn't do that… not yet. At least not in public yet. Not until they come out to everyone. Carlos knew, but that was only because a few months ago he came to Kendall and Logan in tears saying how he was having weird dreams and feelings for other guys and he didn't know what was wrong with him. A long talk and some chocolate milk later Carlos had calmed down and then realized that he liked men. Kendall and Logan told them about their relationship and made him promise not to say anything about it. They weren't ready to tell people yet. Logan smiled at how worried James was getting. Don't get him wrong it was annoying as fuck but it was still kinda-sorta sweet.

"Yeah," Logan said.

"That's a great idea. Get him out of bed. The lucky Son of a bitch got to stay in bed all day!" Kendall said forlornly. He was so tired. Maybe if he was lucky he would get what Carlos has.

"Damn I wish I was sick," Kendall said.

"Better you than Carlos," James said smugly.

"Thanks James, really feeling the love man," Kendall dead panned.

"HAPPY to help!" James smirks. Kendall growls playfully and knocks James over in the back of the limo. A small fight breaks out until someone's elbow slams into Logan's eye.

"Shit! Come on guys grow up!" Logan said angrily holding a hand over his eye. Kendall looks immediately sorry.

"Oh I'm sorry Logie! Here let me see," Kendall says before gently lifting Logan's face up into the light more. He winces.

"That's gonna bruise Logan. We're going to have to put some ice on it right away when we get home, and you should probably take some ibuprofen for the swelling. Logan grins crookedly.

"And here I thought _I_ was going to be the doctor," Logan remarks.

"Sorry Logan," Kendall says again.

"Yeah sorry Logie," James looks properly chastised.

"Boys…" Logan sighs.

**XXX**

Carlos had been working non-stop to try and find the fucker that was brutally torturing and killing boys. It was starting to wear on his nerves. It was stressful having to read about all the awful things that had happened and to see the gruesome photographs. But it only fuelled his fire. _'I need to do this.'_

Carlos nearly jumps out of his skin when he hears someone try to come into the room.

'_Shit! I didn't even hear them get back,'_ he thinks scrambling to find a place to hide all the papers.

"Hey Carlos open up, it James!" James gets no response.

"Come on buddy open the door we're going to have an EPIC movie night to try and make you feel better!" James says enthusiastically.

Carlos panics looking all around the room. Spotting his closet he runs to is shoving the paper and photos to the very back underneath some old clothes. Careful not to tear any of the newspaper clippings he had cut up he ran back to his desk and started to shut down his laptop. He didn't need his friends to find out that not only had he _lied_ but he faked being sick, AND was trying to find a serial killer. He was a horrible friend.

Carlos hears James talk about the epic movie night his friends had planned to make him feel better… but it only makes him feel worse. A sick twisting in his gut, making him feel terrible. _'I should get used to this feeling, I'm awful,'_ Carlos thought.

'_I'm a terrible friend for lying, but I have too. They don't support me, and they would try and stop me. I can't have them stopping me.'_ Carlos thought.

After everything was put away Carlos stopped moving and looked into the vanity mirror. Just looking trying to find the old Carlos that his friends new and loved. But all Carlos could see was a stranger, someone not remotely familiar. There's that sick feeling again.

"Yeah, I'll be right out," Carlos said not taking his eyes away from the mirror. _'I don't even sound like myself anymore.'_

Tearing his eyes away from the imposter he called out, "Yeah sorry James I'm just changing, and the movie night sounds AWESOME!"

Grabbing his red flannels from the floor he quickly discards his normal clothing and pulls the pants on. Mussing up his hair and putting on a small grimace he opens the door and lets James into their room.

"Hey," Carlos says offering him a weak smile. James stops momentarily staring at Carlos naked upper body. The Latino takes no notice and turns to find his black shirt from last night sitting on his bed. He pulls if over his head and turns back to James.

"How are you feeling? Any better, I was worried about you today," Something in Carlos chest swells. But quickly dies when he realizes he made James worry for no reason. _'No there was a reason, you just wouldn't understand,'_ Carlos thought.

"I'm feeling a little better, not as bad as this morning though," Carlos replies. James smiles sympathetically.

"You know it really wasn't the same without you today. It felt empty," James said.

"Nah I'm not that exciting," Carlos said laughing lightly.

"Don't underestimate your awesomeness!" James said sincerely.

Carlos busted out laughing, gripping his stomach doubling over. At some point he fell to his knees. He was cracking up so much he had tears falling from his eyes and he was finding it hard to find his breath. James just stared at him in utter confusion. _'Had Carlos gone mad?'_ James thought.

"Dude you said that so seriously and it was hilarious because you were trying to be serious while using the word, 'awesomeness.'" Carlos rasped out laughing loudly.

James glared, "I was being very serious! You are totally awesome!" James said although one look at Carlos and he started to laugh too. Soon the pair was lying on the floor gasping for breath and cackling like a bunch of nuts in the Looney bin.

"Logan, go hide the knives, I think they've lost it," Kendall said straight-faced. Logan raised an eyebrow and smirked from the doorway of James and Carlos' room.

"It wouldn't do much good, if these two really have lost it then we're all doomed," Logan said walking away from the two idiots on the floor and into the living room. Kendall followed shaking his head at his wacky friends.

Finally Carlos and James had started to breath normally and their raucous laughter had turned to small chuckles.

"You are crazy Carlitos," James huffed from the floor next to him.

"Awww… but that's why you love me! Or maybe it's my, awesomeness." Carlos sniggered.

"Don't start that again," James warned. He stood to his feet and pulled Carlos up with him.

"So you ready to watch some movies!" James asked excitedly. Carlos grinned happily.

"Yeah I am! Let's go," Carlos ran out of the room and jumped on the couch.

"Well someone's feeling better," Kendall said jealously.

"You're just mad cause you had to work all day, while I got to sleep!" Carlos said triumphantly. _'Yeah I worked too,'_ Carlos thought, the sickening photographs of dead boys filled his brain. He shook his head trying to get the images out. It didn't work.

"So what movie are we going to watch?" James asked plopping down on the couch next to Carlos.

"Oh! Hannibal! It's an epic crime about a cannibal!" Everyone looked at Logan like he had grown an extra head.

"What? I'm not allowed to like scary movies?" Logan scoffed looking affronted.

"Well no, they usually scare you Logie," Kendall said scooting closer to him throwing a blanket over their laps.

"I can handle it," Logan said smirking sliding as close to Kendall as possible without it looking to conspicuous.

"Well okay, Carlos are you ok with that? This is for you after all," James asked. Carlos looked sad all of a sudden. _'What's that about?'_ James thought.

"Yeah I've never seen it, sounds cool," Carlos said stretching and curling his feet beneath him to get more comfortable. James nodded and went to pop the DVD in and settled himself back next to Carlos.

As they watched the movie Carlos couldn't help but glance at Kendall and Logan a few times. It was dark so no one would see him watching them. It made him feel so lonely. To know they had each other. Carlos was alone, with no one to love him, and that's all he ever really wanted in his life: love. Carlos forced himself to turn away from the couple he knew was secretly holding hands under the blanket. Soon he started to really get into the movie. He really wanted to watch that creep get caught and sent to prison. It was a very thought-provoking movie. Carlos liked it.

As the credits rolled Carlos stared at the screen in horror… he HATED this movie. The freaking bad guy got away! He. Got. Away. How messed up was that? Fucking cannibal on the loose, _'Jeeze whatever happened to the Hero always prevails?_' Carlos thought bitterly. What kind of world did they live in where killers were just getting away with fucking murder, oh yeah this world. That serial killer had been killing of 4 months. There were 14 victims. 14 dead boys. 14 kids who would never grow up, who would never get married, or have kids, or see their dreams come true. 14 innocent lives taken just because they liked people of the same gender. How was this fair? It was so cruel. Carlos didn't even want to think about the families of the victims.

Carlos didn't have any family. His parents had passed away when he was younger in a car accident and he had been living with Logan and his parents until a few months ago when he got emancipated when he moved to LA. He was making enough to live off of and Mrs. Knight had offered to adopt him but Carlos didn't want to a burden. She insisted he wasn't but he just smiled and kindly refused. Plus no one could take the place of his papi and mama, and he didn't want anyone trying to. It's times like these where Carlos always wondered, what if he were to die. Who would care? Who would miss him? He was alone in the world, with the exception of his three best friends. But Kendall had Logan and vice versa. And, one day, James would have a beautiful girl and he would get married and leave. Carlos felt he would spend his life alone, either chasing this serial killer or living in a nasty apartment with 22 cats.

'_Life sucks,'_ Carlos thought.

Anger boiled within him. The killer, the stupid movie, it was driving him nuts. He didn't even realize that the credits had ended and his friends were laughing and talking about the movie. _'How could they be laughing after watching that?'_ Carlos thought. He was pissed, standing quickly he walked to his room and slammed the door so hard the walls shook. His friends had tried calling out to him asking what was wrong but he ignored them. His thoughts were on the papers and news clippings in his closets. He felt like the ghosts of the 14 dead boys were telling him to avenge them. There were too many things going on in his head and it was starting to overwhelm him. He crawled into his bed throwing the covers over his body and turning away from the door. He curled into a ball and was soon lost in his austere thoughts.

"What's wrong with him? He's going to wake up Katie and my mom!" Kendall said angrily moving to stand and follow Carlos to see what the _hell_ was wrong with him. He was stopped though by spider-like fingers closing around his wrist. Logan shook his head: _no_. James sighed getting up.

"I'll find out what's up, I'll be back," he said walking towards his and Carlos' room.

James crept quietly into the room shutting the door softly behind him, he saw Carlos in bed the blankets curled tight around his small body, and he looked like he was shivering.

"Hey Carlos buddy, are you feeling sick again? Are you OK?" James asked moving to sit on Carlos bed. He went to reach out and rub Carlos' back but was shocked when he jerked away violently as if he had been burned.

"It's nothing, just some of the scenes made me feel kind of sick I just want to go to bed," Carlos said in an annoyed tone. James was taken aback, it seemed like Carlos was mad at him. But… what had he done?

"Are you sure? Do you want to talk about it? Do you want company? Do you need anything?" James tries to coax Carlos into talking to him. But Carlos can't… he just _can't_. He can't look at James without feeling like a complete and total failure and loser. So he does the hardest thing he's ever had to do. He turns his back on the one person who cares, who he's always needed, always _loved._

"I _need_ you to go away," Carlos says firmly, venom laced deep into his voice and words, his heart completely shattering.

"_What?_" James asks in shock, Carlos has never used that tone with him. Not even when they've been fighting. It made James feel slightly disturbed. _'What was wrong with Carlos?'_ he thought.

"Are you deaf? I said I _need_ you to get the _fuck_ away from me; do you need me to spell it out for you? Are you really _that_ stupid?" Carlos asked cruelly, back still turned from the boy he loved more than life _anything_.

"Fine," James said, voice quivering. Carlos felt the weight in the bed leave and heard James walk out of the door, and out of his heart. Tears streamed down James' face, and if he were to look at Carlos at the moment he would see a mirror image.

Wiping away his tears Carlos rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. 'I'm such a jerk.' Carlos thought bitterly. He gets up and out of bed and sits at his desk. He opens his laptop and feels deep emptiness in his chest, each day it seems that the hole gets larger and larger, until one day he fears; he will just be a shell of his old self. Typing in his laptop he stares at more pictures of more dead boys.

'_Nice going Carlitos, you've gone from lying to more lying to being mean to your friends, to James, to completely turning your back on him. I don't even know you anymore.'_

"I don't even know myself."

**P.S. OK… so it's getting a little more intense, but I threw in some cute and funny moments, just to be nice since it's going to be getting a lot worse for the boys. Mainly Carlos but you know… **

**MyHeroRaven**


	4. Playing With Fire

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush.**

**Chapter 4 Playing With Fire While Dousing Myself In Gasoline:**

_'How much longer do you plan on staying in bed?' _Carlos groaned at the voice in his head. He knows he's going to have to get up today, it would be too sucpisious to be 'sick' again. Mamma Knight would freak, Kendall brow would crease in worry, Logan would go into doctor mode, and James, _James_, wouldn't give two-shits. Not after last night. The way Carlos treated James last night made him feel slightly nauseus. Carlos wondered if he really needed to be that cruel, take it to that extreme. _'If he gets to close to you he's liable to find out what you're doing_._'_ It was true he and James had always been close, always telling each other everything. Well not anymore.

Rolling over Carlos realized that he _had_ to get up, and that he had MAJOR damage control to take care of with James. '_Grovel, crawl to him like a kicked puppy with your tail between your legs. look like you're actually sorry.'_

"I am sorry," Carlos mumrmed.

Blearily he pulled the covers back and crawled out of bed. He started his daily routine of showering, clothing, and going into the kitchen looking for food. Reaching the kitchen it seemed that he was the first one up. '_Good gives you time to think about your next step.'_ Carlos pondered for a moment. It was all good and dandy doing research on the guy, but if he was truly going to catch him, get revenge, he was going to have to confront him at some point. And, in order to confront him Carlos was going to have to _find_ him.

_'Stake out,'_ the voice said. _'You already know where he picks up his victims. Start from there. Start from the club all the kids were last seen at. It has to be a connection. It's too big of a coincidence the kids all going to the same club and then disappearing. You stake out there tonight, you still have that fake ID you and the guys got when you first moved here, well use that. Now all you have to do is sneak away tonight without looking suspicious and you'll be in the clear.'_

"Yeah, easier said than done," Carlos mumbled.

"Who are you talking too?" A voice from behind him asked. Carlos whirled around to see James staring at him oddly. His perfect skin was marred with large ugly bags under his eyes. It looked as though he hadn't slept in weeks. His eyes held wariness, as he looked at Carlos. Like he was afraid he was going to be yelled at.

"Myself, it's nothing I'm just tired," Carlos replied. James scoffed his face stating; _well that makes two of us._

"Look James I need to talk to you, you know about last night," James immediantly went rigid and turned away from Carlos.

"There's nothing to talk about Carlos. It's whatever," he headed towards the kitchen grabbing an apple and taking a huge bite, staring at the wall with faked interest.

"It's not nothing, I was mean to you. I was _cruel_. I shouldn't have treated you the way I did. I've just been so stressed out lately, and I wasn't feeling good yesterday. Man, I'm so sorry on top of being sick that movie just made it worse and I wanted to be alone and you were just trying to be an amazing friend, and I was a jerk. I'm sorry James," Carlos said reaching out to grasp James wrist. He ignored the tingly feeling that spread up his arms and waited. After a moment James turned around and smiled. He grabbed Carlos in a fierce hug, holding tightly as if he were afraid the smaller boy would vanish if he let go.

"It's ok, I've been stressed too, I didn't mean to get so nosy last night. Forgive me?" James asked head resting above Carlos'.

"Nothing to forgive," Carlos breathed against crook of James' smooth neck. Pulling away the two smiled at each other, and Carlos felt pain in his chest. When Carlos had said: man I'm so sorry I was feeling so sick last night I didn't mean to be such a jerk, what he was really saying was, I'm sorry for lying to you, I'm sorry that I'm trying to catch a serial killer, and I'm sorry for being so mean to you and pushign you away when I really just want you closer to me, holding me.

Ignoring the pain, Carlos made a swipe for James' apple, not caring that there was already a huge chunk taken out of it. James looked shocked, jaw hanging open, as he watched Carlos lean against the counter, his shirt riding up to show a sliver of carmel, toned skin. Carlos smirked before taking a small bite out of the apple. James' face was priceless.

"Wha-" James started and then he smirked realizing this was going to turn into a game.

"Oh, what? You want some of this?" Carlos asked innocently holding the apple out, but still out of James' reach.

"You little shit," James said fake glaring.

"No? You don't want it?" Carlos asked, the biggest shit-eating grin on his face. He moved the apple to his lips and started to take another bite, but was stopped by James reaching out trying to grab the latino. Carlos started to run and James chased, watching Carlos' perfect ass all the while.

"Come on James I know you can run faster than that! Aren't you hungry? Hmm?" Carlos taunted. This was always fun for them. Teasing each other until it turned physical. Carlos ran around the kitchen and the living room like madmen.

They didn't realize they were making so much noise until Kendall and Logan walked in, hair mussed up clothes askew. It didn't go unnoticed by Carlos who rolled his eyes the feeling in his chest blooming, suddenly aware of just how alone he truly was. James and Carlos kept up the charade of running around and yelling, James coming close to catching him a few times but he would always _just_ slip out of his reach at the last second. James also noticed the two other boys enter the room and if he had been paying more attention he would have noticed Kendall's bruised lips and the crecest finger marks on Logan's hips as the small boy yawned and raised his arms above his head, showing his waist.

"What are you guys doing? It's like, 7 in the freaking morning!" Kendall said looking highly affronted.

"CARLOS STOLE MY APPLE!" James whined.

"JAMES-well yeaah I stole his apple," Carlos said obviously no idea why he took the piece of fruit. Logan rolled his eyes and walked over the kitchen counter, grabbing a shiney red apple out of the basket and tossing it to James. He caught the apple and looked at it, before throwing his hands up in the air and shouting: HA! He took a bite of the apple juices running down the corners of his mouth in utter triumph. Carlos pouted.

"Logie, you're no fun," Carlos said before sitting at the kitchen table and starting to eat the apple in his hand.

"I think Logan's plenty of fun," Kendall said trying to hide his grin. Logan rolled his eyes while fighting down a blush that started to spread across his nose and cheeks.

"Yeah, yeah everyone's fun, but we need to get ready we have to be at the studio at 8," James said throwing the apple core into the trash can and heading to the bathroom to get ready.

"He says that like we're all sitting here in our pjs or something," Logan said. He was right I looked at him and realized the only one that wasn't dressed and ready to go to work was James. The thought made me smile. _James._

Carlos munched thoughtfully on his apple. He truly loved James, you know the whole nine-yards, butterflies, and rainbows. Thoughts of the beautiful boy took over Carlos' senses and he smiled when he realized something:

'Every time I think... I think of James,' he thought. It made Carlos smile because he just loved him so much.

Pushing the thoughts away he looked up to see the something so painful and beautiful at the same time he felt as though he was splitting in two. Logan and Kendall were on the couch, snuggling. Logan's arms were wrapped around his boyfriend's waist and Kendall had his hands threaded into Logan's hair. Kendall was nuzzling a line from Logan's collar bone to his cheek before rubbing their noses togther. Both of them had their eyes trained on each other, never breaking the loving gaze they gave each other. As if speaking through words both boys lips connected and their eyes closed gently. Kendall moved one of his hands down to cup Logan's cheek and Logan ran his hands along the expanse of his boyfriend's strong muscled back. Pulling away Kendall brought his lips to Logan's temple and kissed it gently, and mumured words that that Carlos longed to hear from James.

"I love you."

The door to James' room snapped open and Logan and Kendall pulled away quickly, smiles on both of their faces.

"Did you guys eat anything yet?" James asked Kendall and Logan, completely oblivious to what had just happened in the room.

"Nah, but we can get something on the way," Kendall said. Logan nodded in agreement and went to grab his car keys. The record company had permanatly given Logan the Big Time Rush mobile since a couple months back when he got his license. As each boy got theirs it would be passed down to Kendall, James, and then Carlos, and each time someone gave the keys to the newly licensed boy he would get a new car of his choice. It was almost Kendall's time to get the Big Time Rush mobile, just a few more months, and Logan could get his own car, and that meant 'fun time' in the backseat. Kendall frequently reminded Logan of that and the thought always brought crimson to Logan's face.

After Logan grabbed the car keys they headed for the door. Carlos, remembering something stopped in his tracks making James, Kendall, and Logan all run into him.

"Uhm, I'll be right back I forgot something. I'll meet you in the lobby okay?" Carlos asked, hoping they'd take the bait. And, they did.

"Yeah well see you in a few, don't take too long!" James said yelling as Carlos started to run to his room. After waiting to hear the front door close he walked quickly to his closet and pulled his laptop out and turned it on. Waiting a couple minutes he pulled up one of the files he had found, with the name and address of the club that the boys had all last been seen. Carlos opened his phone quickly and typed the address in and saved it. He knew he had to do this now because once they got back from the studio they would all be around each other and he wouldn't have the chance to sneak off, plus they're all going to want to hang out. His friends always wanted to spend time together after a long day at the studio. The thought made Carlos remember that he was going to have to think up a story so that he could sneak out without suspicion. Carlos groaned at the thought.

_'At least you have all day to think of a plan.'_

Closing his laptop and walking out of apartment 2J Carlos wondered just how many more times was he going to have to lie. Where was he going to draw the line? When was it going to stop?

_'When you've caught him, when you've caught the bastard that hurt those boys. Then it will be over.'_

"Yeah," Carlos said before spotting his friends in the lobby. He smiled and they all headed out to the car. Today was going to be a long day.

**At Rocque Records**

"STOP, STOP, STOP! CARLOS WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" Gustavo yelled and Carlos winced and looked down, saying nothing.

"I'll tell you what that was... it was HORRIBLE! Carlos you SUCK! You CAN'T dance! You CAN'T sing! You're ONLY here because KENDALL felt bad for you and wanted to bring _ALL_ his RETARDED friends! Is THAT WHY you wear a HELMET! Are you SPECIAL ED OR SOMETHING? You are so WORTHLESS! YOU are RUINING JAMES' DREAM! YOU'RE RUINING YOUR FRIENDS' LIVES! They could be number ONE, but They'll ALWAYS be number TWO and it's all because of YOU! You are SO STUP-" Carlos stopped listening and tore out of the recording booth so hard the door hit the wall leaving a crack. He could hear yelling and screaming but he didn't listen he just _couldn't_ hear all of that again. He was trying really hard, but it wasn't enough. Carlos finally stopped running after he neared the little park near Rocque Records. It was empty, probably because kids were in school, and Carlos felt grateful. He walked over to one of the swings and sat down with a sigh. 'When did things get so complicated?' Carlos wondered. He knew it was going to be hard coming out to Hollywood and becoming a boy band, add in the fact that he had gay troubles, and oh yeah the little fact that he was trying to catch a serial killer. Could his life get any more complicated?

"CARLOS!"

_'Yes... yes it can.'_

James was running towards Carlos and stopped breathing heavily his hands on his knees.

"Carlos, didn't you hear me calling you? Fuck," James said sitting down on the swing next to Carlos.

"No, I blocked out everything after 'you are so stupid,'" Carlos said sadly looking at his feet.

"He's right I am all of those things, it's whatever. Where's Logan and Kendall?" Carlos asked.

"Uhm back up, first he's not right at all, and HE'S the stupid one. Second, it's not _whatever_. Carlos you are a human being, a person, you should never EVER be talked to like that. And third, they are currently explaining to Gustavo why we no one EVER yells at you like that EVER again," James said. Carlos felt tears in his eyes.

He didn't deserve the amazing friends he had. He had been lying to them and he was a terrible person. Tears fell quicker as he realized the incredibly stupid mess he had gotten himself in. 'But I have to keep going, maybe, if I catch the guy, they'll all be proud of me. Maybe they'll love me again,' Carlos thought. The thought of losing his friends made fresh, hot tears stream down his face. He buried his head in his hands not wanting James to see him like this.

"I don't deserve you guys," Carlos mumbled through his sobs.

"Oh Carlos," James said. He got off the swing and knelt in front of the crying boy. Reaching up he gently pulled Carlos' hands away from his eyes and held them in his own larger ones. The boy looked down into James' eyes, feeling weak and pathetic crying in front of him.

"You deserve everything, and so much more. We love you so much, no one thinks you're a burden and you're not ruining anything for anyone. Kendall wanted all of us here because he loves us. And that includes you. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise," James said sliding his thumb gently against Carlos cheek wiping away his tears. Carlos unconsciously leaned into the touch.

"I'm not retarded?" he asked in a small voice.

"No, you are definetly not retarded," James said smiling. He stood up and smiled, extending a hand to Carlos. The latino took the offered hand and let James pull him into his second hug for the day. He was warm and it felt good to have James' strong arms wrapped tightly around his body. For a moment, he could imagine leaning up and kiss-

"Hey! Carlos are you ok?" Logan asked running up to them, Kendall a little ways behind.

Carlos pulled away from James and smiled.

"Yeah I'm fine Logan," Carlos said.

"Gustavo's not. Where he had the nerve to talk to you like that I'll never know! Kelly's screaming at him now and she said we could go get some lunch and come back in an hour or so to finish recording," Kendall said standing next to Logan.

"Lunch sounds great! I'm starving!" Carlos said causing everyone to laugh. James tapped his helmet twice and they all started walking down the street towards the Taco Bell near the studio.

The rest of the day was spent in bliss, Carlos really was starving and ate way more than his friends, and when they returned to the studio Gustavo apologized profusely, saying that he was so stressed but how it was no exscuse and it would never happen again. They had recorded well into the afternoon and were finally released at 7 pm. After getting into the car they all decided to go out to eat for dinner since Mamma Knight and Katie had went away for the weekend and since it was a Friday. Carlos was tired, so tired at that point that while eating dinner he shot up from the table and screamed, "SHIT!"

People in the diner looked at him like he was nuts, and he was! He had forgotten to think of an exscuse for why he would be going out tonight. He had no idea what to tell his friends. Speaking of his friends, they looked thoroughly freaked out and concerned.

"I uh banged my knee on the table, but it's cool! All better," Carlos said rubbing his knee trying to look convinging. Logan looked at him with a calculated glance. Something wasn't right Logan thought. He let it go however when he felt Kendall's hand on his upper thigh, massaging it gently. Turning to look at Kendall he saw his boyfriend smirk playfully, causing Logan to blush and smile back.

They continued to eat their meal in peace with no more outbreaks, meanwhile chaos reined in Carlos' mind.

_'What about a date? Say you're going on a date with that Stephanie girl. She's out of town visiting relatives and your friends don't know that. So you could just say you're going to go out with her. And Kendall and Logan question you because you well, are gay, then just tell them that it's for appearances. Celebs do that all the time. So there problem solved!'_

Carlos thought about it, it made sense. It could work as long as they didn't get to nosy about it. Also, he didn't really have another option. They were going to be heading home soon so he was going to have to do tell them something. 'Yeah, I'll just tell them I'm going on a date. It'll work.' Carlos thought.

After paying the bill and heading back to the apartment the boys all separated to do some of there own things for a while.

Kedall and Logan retreated to their room and James had stopped in the lobby and was currently having a conversation with Sun Block Girl. Walking into his room he started to pick out the clothing he was going to wear to the club. He was always partial to his blood red button down he liked to wear for concerts, so he pulled that out of his closet and laid it out on the bed. He grabbed his black jeans, the ones that were loose at the knee but hugged his thighs, and put those on the bed as well. He opted to not wear the tie, this _was_ a club after all. He grabbed a black tank to wear under the shirt and left it on the bed before heading into the bathroom for a quick shower.

**With Kendall & Logan**

"I'm telling you, something is up with Carlos," Logan said, irratated that his boyfriend wasn't taking him seriously.

"Babe, he had a hard day, he got screamed at and ran off and it's just _Carlos_. He's always weird," Kendall said laughing. Logan glared, not finding the situation funny in the slightest.

"Kendall I'm serious! What IF something is seriously wrong?" Logan asked, a hint of desperation in his voice.

"Then we'll deal, but we can't do anything about this now, especially since Carlos hasn't said anything about anything," Kendall said. Logan got up from his desk chair and walked over to Kendall sitting next to him, grabbing his hand.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," He sighed. Kendall smiled.

"So are you okay now?" Logan smirked and shoved Kendall back onto their bed, creamy thighs straddled Kendall roughly. Logan ran his hands up Kendall's naked chest and yanked on his hair pulling him in for a kiss. After they broke apart Logan was grinning sexily.

"I will be," Logan said as he dove in for another kiss causing Kendall to moan and fist the smaller boys hair, grinding his body upwards. Kendall whispered his name in out softly.

"Logie."

**With Carlos**

Carlos admired himself in the mirror. Red shirt, black pants, and his black and red converse. Altogether he looked pretty good. Grabbing his fake ID he pushed it onto his front right pocket, and walked to his dresser. He needed to stay focused tonight, this wasn't about partying it up, this was about getting information. He had to be observant and intelligent if he was going to accomplish his goal. Carlos nodded to his reflection once grabbing his silver winged necklace and pulling it over his head so that the little wings rested on his shirt. Smiling he walked into the living room, and stopped in shock.

The other three were there with all their hockey gear, in old jeans and t-shirts. There was that awkward moment where they were wondering why Carlos was so dressed up and Carlos wondering why they were so dressed down. Realizing that they were going to play Night Hockey made him sad. He wanted to play. _'There are more important things in life than chasing a stupid puck, focus!'_ Carlos shook himself and walked over to the boys.

"Hey Carlos what are you wearing that for? I mean you look good, but you can't really play NIGHT HOCKEY in it!" James said excitedly. He loved Night Hockey as much as Carlos did.

"I can't play, I have a date tonight. I'm taking Stephanie out," Carlos said and James' face fell.

"Oh well, I guess we'll see you later thank, you look really great by the way," James said with butterflies in his stomach.

"Thanks, hey when we get back do you want to watch a movie with me? We can just chill out and stuff our faces! It'll be awesome!" Carlos said, trying to get James to smile. It worked.

"Yeah, that sounds great Carlos," James said and Carlos beamed.

The butterflies in his stomach intensified as he saw Carlos' brilliant smile directed towards him, James' not realizing what the butterflies and feelings he had been feeling meant brushed it off as feeling bad that Carlos couldn't hang out.

"Crap I forgot my cell, don't leave without me!" James told Kendall and Logan. They nodded, signalling that they weren't going to go anywhere without him. When James was out of sight and sound the others rounded on Carlos.

"Uhm… you have a date with Stephanie? You. Are. Gay. You do know that means going out with MEN right?" Kendall asks sarcastically. Logan looks at Carlos' outfit, It didn't really look like a date outfit, it looked like a clubbing outfit, actually it _was_ the exact outfit Carlos usually wore to the club.

"You're dressed like you're going to a club. We know you don't have a date with Stephanie, you're lying what are you really doing?" Logan demands. He's sick of these games. He wants to know what's really going on. _'Lie. They'll never understand, they won't care about you if they find out. They're going to hate you, and then you'll really be alone.'_ Carlos gets scared so he raises his defenses, getting, immediantly, pissed.

"Actually I DO have a date with her, it's to keep up appearances. And she already knows I'm gay and she's okay with this. So the next time you decide to call me a liar, fuck off. Okay?" Carlos snarls before starting to walk away.

He stops and turns to them one more time, "Oh and next you want to play mommy, don't. You aren't my fucking mom, she's dead remember?"

With that Carlos grabs his coat and storms out of the apartment right passed a confused James.

"Dude I heard screaming what happened?"

"Nothing don't worry about it Jay," Kendall said.

"Yeah we were just overreacting," said Logan.

"About what?"

"About Carlos going out this late," Logan said with a sigh, looking at Kendall pointedly.

"We all go out late, it doesn't matter if Carlos does. That's a stupid thing to fight about," James said frowning.

"Yeah we know but it'll be fine," Kendall said moving to grab his hockey gear.

"Are you sure? don't you think we should go after him?" James asked worriedly looking between the two boys.

"Nah... plus he has his date remember? let's just play some hockey," Kendall said walking towards the front door.

"Yeah," Logan says as they leave the apartment, James silent the whole way.

**With Carlos**

He was walking down the street heading towards the club, he fingered the fake in his pocket and realized that he probably didn't need it. Most of the clubs in LA didn't care how old you were if you had money, and Carlos _had_ money. Plus he was famous... maybe not _that _famous. But still... Thinking about the fake ID struck a thought in Carlos. All of the other boys had to have had fakes too, because they were underage. None of the boys were over 18, that meant that either the guy was a ped, or he going after teenage boys was easier than going after adult men.

As Carlos neared the club he started to feel awful again. He had just yelled at Logan and Kendall for calling him a liar and not only did he deny being the biggest liar in the world, when in reality he was, but he threw the fact that his mother had died in their faces. That was low, but he knew the minute he mentioned his dead mom they would back off. _'Great now you're manipulating your best friends, your brothers. What a prince. What a stand up guy. You are treating the only family you have off like they are your enemies. Monster. You do realize how messed up that is right? You, my friend, are playing with fire while dousing yourself in gasoline.'_

"Shut up," Carlos muttered before walking past the bouncer and into the club, guilt nawing at his heart.

**P.S. K sorry I've been gone so long. I've had a lot of stuff going on. Ok so when you see: **_'words'_ **that's Carlos' voice in his head. Just so you know, he's going to have that voice for a while. **

**MyHeroRaven**


	5. You're Next

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush**

**Chapter 5 You're Next:**

I need something new, all these other fags, little boys, don't do it for me. They were all so weak. Of course they fought, who wouldn't fight for their life? But there was no passion, no fire, when I killed them there was hardly any light in their eyes, and I love watching the light drain slowly from their eyes. Some of them liked to scream, some of them cried. I like it when the cry. I like it when they beg for their moms or their dads. Though most cried for mommy. It makes me feel good, gets my dick nice and hard. Boys like this need to be put in their place. Dead like communism, red like communism. I need someone beautiful, someone I can play with for a while, someone I can truly torture, and someone I can completely break. No, not break, I need someone I can ruin.'

I walked down the side-walk towards my night job. The club, that's where I find them. Little children trying already trying to grow up before it's their time. The ones I get a hold of never grow up. The thought makes me smile.

_Stop smiling, you need to kill! God commands it for it must be done, if you keep doing God's work he'll take away the bad thought you have for other men, for boys._

The boys I get a hold of are meant to die, what kind of kid opens to someone they don't even know?

I guess no one warned them about the big bad wolf, or about not talking to strangers. They all talked to me, all opened up to a complete stranger. They all seemed so happy but in reality they were sad, that's why they told me about their sick love for men. It's disgusting, and yet it turns me on. Gets me harder than the whores do. They deserve everything they get, every scream they scream, every tear they shed, every drop of blood they spill, they deserve it.

Mmmm they look in their eyes. But it's not enough. I need someone strong-willed. Someone **happy**. Someone that will fight me every step of the way until there it literally no fight left. Until they don't even want to **live** anymore.' I thought as I walked into the club.

I was smiling and friendly to all my co-workers, like a good boy, always nice like a good boy. I walked up to the bar and pulled on my apron getting ready to serve the usual drunks of the night. The down trodden on the city. As the night progressed I watched the boys that came and went. Some I could just _tell_ were gay. I could see it in their eyes, I could see it in their souls.

But no one fit what I wanted, they all looked like a good scare would send them running. I need to find a perfect match for myself. I am the Anti-Hero that serves God. I need to find the Hero that serves the people. The one kid that will truly go down with a fight. I will get to take this kids confidence and snuff it out like a candle. A blonde kid walked up to the bar he was smiling at me coyly. Sometimes they make it too easy. Rolling my eyes I smiled and engaged the boy in conversation.

"Aren't you a little too young to be drinking?" I ask, fishing, always fishing. Fishing for hints, for looks, for information. The blonde looks nervous and my smile falters. This kid was weak. I didn't need weak I needed strong. Then God would be proud, then he would make my perversions for little boys go away. God's cleansing waters would make me whole, he would make me love women again. I wouldn't be pining for children, especially not faggy boys.

_Language! You are above talk like that._

"Uhm, well, no! I'm 21, Just turned 21 in fact," the kid smiled trying to cover his nervousness. I checked his, obviously, fake ID and gave the kid what he wanted. A beer. Typical.

"So you come here often?" The gay boy tries. I smile at the stupid boy.

"I work here, so yeah I guess you could say that." I chuckled dryly. The boy turned bright red and sulked off to another corner of the club, probably trying to get lucky with someone more his own age. Thank God for that.

I can tell a boy from a man. I can _usually_ tell a gay boy from a straight boy. I can tell if they're going to be strong, if they're going to fight, if they're going to cry. All I have to do is look in their eyes. I'll know when I see him. The boy will be beautiful and perfect in every way, flawless.

But not for long, I'll make the kid have so many problems, physically, mentally. I'll screw with him and fuck him until he screams, and then just when he thinks I'm done I'll fuck him again and again until his voice has died and in his last moment I'll watch the light leave his perfect eyes.

A dead boy's eyes are breath-taking. Once they held the world, and all they'll be is a void, completely empty. I'm starting to get hard from thinking about it. But I'm no Neanderthal. I can be a complete gentleman when the occasion calls for it.

Looking into the crowd I grow bored again. No one's catching my eye tonight, so I start to say first 500 digits of pi in my head. 3.141592653589793238462 .

"Well that didn't work," I mumbled out loud. The couple at the other end of the bar giving me a weird look, as if I were crazy. Yeah I'm to intelligent to be crazy.

_You need to focus, maybe if you find that one boy, God will fix you. And then you won't be broken anymore._

'Yeah.'

As the night progressed it was growing close to 1 am when the most beautiful boy I had ever laid eyes on walked into the club. A gorgeous Hispanic kid with a brilliant smile and honey eyes walked in and sat at the bar, a couple of feet away from me. I feel my breath hitch at this kid's beauty. The boy spares me a quick glance and orders a shot of jager and starts to look around the club much like what I had been doing the entire night.

"So what are you doing here tonight? You're obviously not old enough to be here," I say smirking. Most kids run scared when they realize they've been caught but this boy doesn't.

"And you obviously don't care otherwise you would have already called security and gotten my ass thrown out of here, oh and you wouldn't have served me alcohol," The latino says smartly back. _Smartass_. Too bad this kid is straight as a board. He had to admire the beauty of the boy though, _admire the sin! don't think like that! that's what you're trying to fight!_

I shook myself of my stupid thoughts, they were dangerous, I didn't like boys. I could fight this, I would fight this. I would kill every gay boy in the world to make these horribly sick thoughts go away.

"So what are you looking for here? A pretty lady?" I ask the pretty boy.

"Nope a man, plus I don't swing that way," he laughs taking another shot. I smile in absolute delight my eyes lighting up, like the cat that just caught the canary.

"Really? Well my name's Daniel Alexander Hale but just call me Daniel, what's yours kid?" I ask the boy.

The kid has made it through 4 shots or so and looks at me. I can already see the inner war of whether or not he wants to divulge the information. Surprisingly he does. "My name's Carlos Garcia."

I smile in happiness, true happiness for the first time since that Banks kid.

_It's him, he's the boy you need to kill._

Well Carlos, it looks like you're next.

**P.S. Ok I know this was short but I felt it was good to end it here. Oh and just in case you didn't understand this chapter is in the serial killer's POV. Did I make him creepy enough? Or did I suck at it? **

**Italics is the voice inside his head. He has one just like Carlos has one. Although they're obviously very different.**

**MyHeroRaven**


	6. I'll Be A Hero

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush**

**Chapter 6 I'll Be A Hero:**

Daniel Alexander Hale. My name represents who I am. Only God can judge me, and I speak for the rest of mankind that wants these _inhuman beasts_ dead. Smart, they said I was smart in high school. Said I was a prodigy. I could have been a doctor, I could've been a lawyer. But I decided to be selfless and save the world from _them_. I did a little research on you Carlos. your name is Carlos Roberto Garcia. You are famous, you're in that boy band: Big Time Rush. If I kill you, and if I really, really kill you, make a huge show of it. It will prove that no one is safe. Not even the famous. It will be nationwide news. The message will be clear and my purpose known. I'm going to hurt you so bad that you'll change before my very eyes. And then, and then you'll die. 14 down and 1 to go.

With that I walked out of my house camera in hand ready to watch my prey.

**WITH CARLOS**

Carlos started his long walk home from the club. At least it was LA and it was warm out. He was in a state of dissapointment. He didn't catch the guy. Hell, he didn't even think he was there. It didn't make sense all of his research pointed towards that club. 'So why wasn't he there?'

_You'll catch him. Don't sketch about it. You just need to chill and re-visit the facts. Maybe he just wasn't there tonight. You should stake it out as much as possible.'_

The thought of lying to his friends more than he already was made Carlos feel really sick.

"No."

_'No? What do you mean 'no'?'_

"I mean no, N O. I can't keep lying to everyone, to my family!"

_'YES YOU CAN! STUPID BOY!'_

Carlos frowned at that.

_'I mean, it's too late now. If you come clean about all of the stuff you've been doing with nothing to show for it not ONLY are they going to be pissed off that you lied to them but then they're REALLY going to think you're stupid. Because you haven't caught him. And Carlos, think about the boys. They deserve closure right Carlitos?'_

Carlos winced, he couldn't argue with that kind of logic. It was true if he came clean now it would all be for nothing. Everything he worked for would be for nothing. He would have let those kids down, he would have let himself down. And James, James would _never_ look at him the same again. And _that_ was not an option for Carlos.

_'So you in kid? Come let's catch the bastard. You'll be revered forever. Think about it 15-year-old boy finds and captures serial killer single-handedly. How impressive?'_

"It's not about impressive, it's about doing what's right. No matter the cost," Carlos said, swelling with pride.

_'Yeah, let's go with that. Well as long as you're in I have a few ideas. Now he wasn't there tonight, but if you look at his MO he knocks them out to transport them. It's not like he seduces them and they go willingly right? And he doesn't drug them because there was nothing in any of the tox screenings right? He has to be knocking them out, plus the injuries on the boy's bodies coincide with that kind of MO. So since you can't just knock someone out in a crowded club he must be able to get them to go somewhere with him, like he get's them to walk outside of the club you know? So maybe when you go back tonight you should check around the alley behind the club for some clues?'_

"Yeah I can do that," Carlos said with a yawn.

_'Tired?'_

"No, just tired," Carlos said with a small smile.

_'Smartass,'_

"You love it."

_'I never said that.'_

"But you do."

Silence.

"That's what I thought," Carlos said grinning.

_'So what did you think of the club in general?'_

"I think it was definetly shady enough for the kidnappings. That bartended Daniel seemed really nice though..."

**BACK AT THE PALM WOODS**

Carlos walked down the hall to 2J exhausted. Realizing it's nearly one thirty in the morning Carlos quietly pull out his keys and inserts them into the door, turning the knob he walks into the dark living room and turns to shut the door softly. Carlos feels around for the light switch and turns the light on. As he turns around he nearly jumps out of his skin, Kendall, James, and Logan were sitting on the couch looking at him, as if they were waiting for him.

"How was your date with Stephanie?" Kendall asks nonchalantly. Carlos nervously sets his keys down and walks to the fridge pretending to rummage around for something. Deciding he couldn't ignore the question anymore he answers, his back still turned towards his friends.

"It was great, we both had a great time!" Carlos says enthusiastically. He shuts the fridge and opens a cupboard grabbing a glass and filling it with water.

"Really? What did you guys do?" Kendall asked. Carlos sighed and turned facing his friends. They had moved to the other side of the counter and were watching Carlos intently. But there was something else in their eyes, they looked sad. Especially James. Carlos' heart throbbed.

"We got some dinner, saw a movie, you know the normal, steryotypical date," Carlos said with a laugh. He could do this, he was going to get away with it. Kendall let out a dry strangled laugh.

"What movie did you see? Liar, Liar? You lied to us!"

The glass in Carlos' hands slips and shatters at his feet, he panic and goes to pick up the pieces of glass frantically avoiding his friends eyes. He doesn't even wince as large pieces of glass split his hands open, he's not paying attention as the blood drips slowly onto the floor. His whole body is frozen waiting for his life and friendship with his best friends go up in flames.

"Stephanie got back from vacation tonight and said that she never had a date with you. What's going on Carlos? You're lying to us now?" Kendall spat his voice raised. He moves forward and Carlos shrinks back afraid he's going to be hit.

"What the eff dude? Man you never lie to us? What the _hell_ is going on Carlos?" Logan said, Pain and sadness evident in his eyes.

"I thought we were closer than that?" _James._ Hurt lacing his normally steady and calm voice. He sees how Carlos flinched away from Kendall and moves forward to take his bleeding hands and examine them, Carlos' heart wrenches as he realizes James won't look him in the eyes. He needs to lie, and fast.

"Ok here's the truth," He says inwardly wincing.

"I met this guy a while a go and we became friends. Like good friends and we've been chilling and he wanted to go clubbing tonight to pick up girls. But it was just a me and him thing and I didn't want to hurt you guy's feelings because you weren't invited. I'm so sorry I shouldn't have lied. I just didn't want you guys mad at me." Carlos held his breath, waiting for them to scream, 'TELL THE TRUTH!' But it never came, in fact they look apologetic and their faces all soften.

"You should have just said something. We would have understood. It's okay for you to have other friends. It's okay for you to want to go out and do stuff without us. We all get sick of each other sometimes. But we love you, just tell us next time." Logan said smiling.

"Yeah I will, so are we cool?" Carlos thinks, 'we're never going to be 'cool' ever again. I'm a monster and a liar. I'm a horrible person.'

"Of course, we should go to bed though, it's like 2am," Kendall says smiling.

As Kendall walks of Logan turns to James.

"You need to help him pick the glass out before you wash the cuts and bandage them," Logan says smiling at Carlos.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to drop the glass," Carlos says quietly.

"Man, it's you. Don't apologize you break things on a daily bases. It's just who you are," Logan says grinning before following Kendall to their bedroom.

'It's just who you are... but who am I anymore?'

Carlos feels large hands wrap around his wrist and move Carlos closer to the light above the sink so he can examine Carlos' hands.

"Shit man your hands are wrecked," James says in a whisper.

"Really? I didn't even notice," Carlos says honestly. Probably the most honest thing he's said in a while.

"Yeah, stay here I'm going to go get the first aid kit," James said gently squeezing Carlos' wrists before walking towards the bathroom. He comes back with the kit and sits Carlos at the kitchen table hands extended. Pulling out a pair of tweezers he makes quick work of the glass in his hands. Throwing away the bloody pieces and sweeping up the remants on the floor he throws it into the trach can. After making sure the kitchen was clean and there was no more blood or glass James walks back to Carlos and kneels in front of the smaller boy. He pulls out a little bottle of antiseptic.

"Is that the sting stuff?" Carlos asks wearlily. James laughs out loud.

"You pretty much destroy your hand in glass and you're afraid of 'the stingy stuff?'" James asks smiling widely.

"It hurts," Carlos says pathetically.

"I love you," James laughs again and proceeds to spray the wounded area. Carlos doesn't wince, he's happy, even though James doesn't mean 'I love you' in the way Carlos wants him too. Still, for a moment it was beautiful to hear it. No matter the context.

After bandaging his wounds James puts away the supplies and kneels in front of Carlos again. He looks like he's thinking really hard about something. James looks up into Carlos' eyes and he can _swear_ he can see tears pooling in the pretty-boy's hazel eyes.

"James-" Carlos starts but it cut off as James grips his wrist again gently.

"Never do that again," James says seriously.

"James I'm sorry about the broken glass, I really didn-" But Carlos is cut off.

"I don't care about the stupid glass, I care about you!" James nearly yells.

"What are you talking about?" Carlos asks his heart speeding up. 'Was this it? Did James feel the same way I felt about him?'

"Go off and lie about it, I don't care if you're hanging with someone else. Jeeze Carlos we thought you were doing drugs, or getting jumped, or dead in a ditch. We waited up for _hours_ worried sick about you. Please, please Carlitos promise me you won't do that ever again," James said shakily pulling Carlos in for a tight hug. Carlos was shocked, he didn't think they would worry that much. Smiling Carlos pulled James to an arm's length and looked deep into his eyes.

"I promise," Carlos said.

"Okay good, stupid jerk," James jokes. Carlos slaps him playfully before standing up and pulling James with him. Carlos momentairly loses his balance and stumbles into James' chest. James' arms go up around Carlos' waist on instinct and both boys blush pulling away.

"So find any hot girls tonight?" James asks awkwardly.

"Only one person caught my eye tonight," Carlos said looking straight into James' eyes.

"Cool, you'll have to introduce us sometime," James said before heading towards their bedroom.

Carlos smiles at how oblivious James is.

'It's you, I love you Jamie.'

Carlos follows James to his room and gets ready for bed. As they settle in for the night Carlos realizes that he's going to be in for a rough time. Catching this guy. Because of the lying, and because of the sneaking around. But it would be worth it, to avenge those boys, to avenge himself. This was for them, him, and for James. He could do it. He would catch the guy. He'd be a Hero.

'I'll be a Hero.'

As Carlos closes his eyes and let's unconsciousness take him he has no idea that dark, sinister eyes were watching him sleep from his balcony. No idea that lying to his friends was about to be the least of his worries. No idea that his life was about to take a dangerous turn.

**P.S. K well that's that chapter. Only a few more till we're up to the prolouge. **

**MyHeroRaven**


	7. Be Careful What You Wish For

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush**

**Chapter 7 Be Careful What You Wish For:**

'Daniel was truly beautiful. He has a great smile and he is so sweet,' Carlos thought as he sipped from a glass of water sitting across from Daniel. They had been meeting here every night for the past week, and Carlos was hooked. Completely intrigued by this man that seemed to know him like they had been friends forever. In fact it was like he was talking to James. 'Weird...' Carlos thought.

"Well I think I had better get going. My friends may be waiting up for me and I have work in the morning," Carlos said before fishing a twenty out of pocket and laying it on the counter.

"Yeah you're probably right, plus the clubs going to be closing soon. Have a good night Carlos," the killer said smiling softly.

"Yeah, have a good night Daniel, take it easy man," Carlos said walking away from the bar and out of the club. It was going to be another long walk home and Carlos found him thanking the warm LA weather for the 5th time that week.

_'So we checked out the alley every night this week and there's been nothing, I was so sure there would be some kind of clue there.'_

"Well there wasn't. It's okay though, I'm sure we'll find him. We better, and soon. I'm so tired of this," Carlos mumbled as he moved through the streets of LA towards the Palm Woods.

_'Don't sound so happy... jeez kid.'_

"I'm not happy, I'm tired and all I want to do is go home, get some sleep, and think up a crazy plan to get James to love me. Is that too much to ask for?" Carlos said quickening his pace. The streets of LA weren't safe, there was a killer on the loose after all.

_'He will! Come on! If you catch the guy James will fall madly in love with you! He will be so proud of you, but if you quite he'll hate you. Do you really think James Diamond wants to date a pussy that just gives up?'_

"No."

_'Exactly, just do as I say Carlos and you'll get your Jamie, don't worry.'_

"Yeah, I'll make James so proud of me," Carlos smiled and thought about James.

**With The Boys**

"Okay welcome to the 'Carlos is a zombie and has gone completely mad' meeting," Kendall said standing in front of his other two friends. They had all agreed to talk about Carlos' behavior lately. Although Kendall was just being stupid.

"Stop being stupid," Logan said frowning at Kendall's inability to take this seriously.

"Come on Logie, you know nothing's wrong with Carlos. He's the same as he always is," Kendall argued back looking exasperated.

"No... he's not," James said quietly. The tall boy hadn't said anything up until this point. He just stared at the floor his fists clenching and unclenching.

"Okay James, explain what is so off about Carlos," Kendall said sighing taking a seat; he knew he was going to be there for a while.

"He's been stressing out. Little things set him off, and I've never been in so many fights with Carlos as I have this week. He also doesn't really eat much. It looks like he's lost weight. It's not too bad. But, guys, he _needs_ to eat. I just feel like I don't know him anymore," James said sadly putting his head into his hands. Logan moved to sit next to James and put his arm around his shoulder.

"Wow, I mean I noticed he wasn't eating as much but I just thought it was because he wasn't hungry. Am I horrible friend?" Kendall asked sincerely looking at James and Logan.

"No, you've just been pre-occupied. We all have, but now we have a chance to fix it. To get him to open up about whatever's bothering him and to try and get him to eat a little more. We need to have an intervention, but it can't look like we're ganging up on him because we're not. He's our best friend, our brother and we just want to help," Logan said.

"When do we talk to him?" Kendall asked.

"When he gets back, as soon as he gets back. I don't like what's happening to him and I want to find out what's going on," James stated, standing up to get something from the fridge. Kendall and Logan exchanged a glance at James hard statement and nodded. Tonight they would all talk to Carlos.

Speaking of Carlos...

The door to Apartment 2J opened and Carlos shuffled in looking dead on his feet. He really _did_ look like a zombie. It took Carlos a few moments to realize his friends were in the room with him.

"Oh, hey guys. What are you all doing up so late?" Carlos asked walking towards his and James' room.

"We wanted to talk to you," Logan said as all four entered the bedroom. Carlos quickly started to strip putting his pjs on. Kendall noticed that James' breath hitched as he saw Carlos' toned chest and thighs. 'I knew it.' Kendall thought smiling.

"Guys, I love you, but can we just _not_ right now? I'm so tired, I just want to pass out," Carlos said staring at his friends. Kendall and Logan went to protest but James stopped him.

"Yeah it can wait. We should all get to bed anyways, we have a long day at the studio tomorrow," James said before he went to put his pjs on as well. Kendall and Logan just shrugged and left for their room. It was okay though, they knew they could always talk to Carlos tomorrow.

"James, tell me a secret about yourself," Carlos said as he crawled into his bed.

"If I told you it wouldn't be a secret," James said smirking. Carlos threw a pillow at him.

"Ok, Ok, Uhm let's see, the reason I want to be famous is because I'm afraid if I don't make a name for myself no one will remember me when I die. And if I don't make a name for myself I'll be just a worthless person, a nothing. I would never be able to stand being called worthless, it would kill me," James said solemnly.

"Really? James you're not worthless at all. You are worth so much and you don't even realize it. I promise that even if you weren't famous I would never forget you, and neither would Kendall and Logan. We all love you Jamie," Carlos said, 'I love you Jamie.'

James blushed at the cute nickname.

"Thanks Carlos, but please don't tell anyone I told you that. I don't want people to know that I think that way," James said softly.

"I promise James, I'll never tell a soul," With that Carlos and James both settled in for the night.

Daniel stood on the balcony smirking, "It's almost time Carlos. I'm going to get you baby."

**The Next Day At Rocque Records**

"He didn't eat breakfast," James said worriedly as they all stood around waiting for Carlos to get out of the bathroom so they could start the dance rehersal.

"You guys were right, something's up. I have never known Carlos to _ever_ miss a meal. He's like a freaking hobbit with his second and third breakfasts, and today he had nothing," Kendall said his brow furrowed in worry.

"We can't do anything about it now, we'll just have to talk to him when we get home later, Quick! Here he comes act natural," Logan said.

Logan started to comically lean against the wall but his arm slipped and he toppled over onto Kendall.

"That's _natural?_" Kendall asks furiously as he pushes Logan off of him and they both stand up. Logan blushes and James burst out laughing.

"Wow Logan, you're really uncoordianted," Carlos says smiling widely. Logan just pouts.

"Yeah, yeah if we're all done 'making fun of Logan' can we please just start dance rehersal?" Logan grumbles embarassadly.

And they do, Mr. X takes them through dance step after dance step. Not even half way through Carlos vision starts to go blurry. He tries to shake it off but he just can't seem to get his sight back. Soon all the sounds around him grow to a loud roar, like waves or thunder. To the horror of his friends they all watch Carlos go down hard, head bouncing sickeningly against the floor.

"CARLOS!" James screams in fear. They all make their way over to their unconscious friend and James starts to shake him violently while Logan checks his head to see how bad the damage was. Surprisngly Carlos skull was OK and the young latino started to slowly open his eyes looking up at his friends.

"Oh thank God," Kendall said breathing a sigh of relief as James helped sit Carlos up. His back pressed comfortably against James' strong chest.

"Whaa 'appened?" Carlos mumbled the words coming back broken as he tries to regain his senses.

"You passed out Carlitos, I thought you were going to die! Logan why did he pass out?" James asked angrily.

"He didn't eat, plus exhaustion from getting barely any sleep and staying out late last night. The best thing is to get him back home and into bed," Logan said looking pointedly at Mr. X, Gustavo, and Kelly who were all crowding around the boys.

"Yeah of course, I'll have the car brought around. You guys go home and get some sleep, and Carlos? Please, feel better," Kelly said nervously before walking away to get the car.

"Yeah, you dogs take the day off. But I want you all back here tomorrow morning 7 am sharp!" And with that Gustavo walked away, not even wishing Carlos well. Deep down though Gustavo was worried, the behavior that Carlos had been exhibiting lately was very out of character. Mr. X huffed away after mumbling something about this all being X-hausting.

"Okay Carlos up you get," James said hooking his arm under the small boy's knees and his other across his back. If Carlos hadn't been so tired he would have blushed bright crimson from James carrying him bridal style. Instead he tucked his head into James neck and shoulder and drifted off to sleep.

**Apartment 2J**

"This isn't OK anymore. He's not eating, he's going out at all hours of the night, he's not sleeping, he's tired all the time, and now he's fainting." James said exasperatedly while pacing the kitched.

"James you're going to wear a trench in the floor if you keep that up," Kendall said amusingly. James however found no humor in the situation.

"This isn't funny, don't you get it? Carlos is _hiding_ something, something serious. He wouldn't be stressing himself out this badly if it wasn't important. Something is seriously wrong with him," James sounded so small as he spoke. Like he was a little boy again and he was afraid of the monsters in his closet and he had no idea what to do about it.

"Don't worry as soon as Carlos wakes up we'll talk to him. We'll sit him down and have a nice long chat with him, and then we'll get to the bottom of this," Logan said rationally. Kendall smiled and grabbed an apple from the basket on the counter, he took a huge bite, pieces of the apple spraying from his mouth as he spoke.

"Besides, whatever Carlos _is_ hiding, how bad could it possibly be?"

**With Carlos**

Opening his eyes, Carlos woke and realized he was in his room. He had a huge headache and his vision swam dangerously as he sat up in his bed. Groaning Carlos looked at the clock next to his bed and nearly freaked out. It was late! He had to get to club to look for the stupid serial killer.

_'Than what are you doing still in bed! Go get ready!'_

Carlos flew from his bed and started to shift through his clothing. Pulling on a black button down and pain of faded, ripped jeans he threw on his chucks and started to fix his hair. Staring at himself in the vanity mirror he noticed that the bags under his eyes had become more pronounced.

"Shit, I need to start getting more sleep. Four hours a night isn't enough," Carlos muttered.

_'Catch the killer and then you can sleep. First killer, than sleep.'_

As Carlos finished getting ready he looked himself over in the mirror and deemed himself appropriate before walking out of his room and towards the living room. His friends were all sitting on the couch but they jumper up when they noticed Carlos dressed the way he was.

"Uhm are you going somewhere?" James asked eyes narrowing.

"Yeah, I have to meet my friend at the club, and I'm running late." Carlos said looking for his ID, and finding it on the counter next to his cell. He pocketed the ID and was about to grab his phone when he felt hands on his shoulders and then he was facing his three best friends.

"No, you're not, we need to talk," Kendall said holding Carlos in place.

"What? You can't tell me what to do Kendall," Carlos said shrugging the taller boy's hands off of him.

"Carlos you need to stop! You need to listen to us," Kendall said more forcefully, realizing Carlos wasn't listening.

"_I_ don't need to do anything _Knight_," his friends frowned at the anger in his voice. The harshness of the words.

"Carlos Kendall is right," Logan said defending his boyfriend. He didn't like the way Carlos was snapping at Kendall. He had no, freaking right. And things would blow up if he didn't get ahold of the situation.

"No, he's not," I know what I'm doing Logan, and it's not standing around listening to you all bitch," Carlos snapped.

"Whoa! Just wait a goddamn second! You _obviously_ don't know what you're doing. Is that why you keep going out at all hours of the night? Why you barely _eat_ anymore? Are you starving yourself now? Trying to get our attention? Well you've got it Carlos, we're all here, and we're all watching you now, ready to listen," James said stepping up to bat. Carlos feels anger at James' condescending tone. 'How _dare_ they? I'm working day and night to keep Kendall and Logan safe, to save more boys. I'm fighting for _them!'_ Carlos thought in fury.

"Fuck you!" Carlos snarls. James looks pissed ready to set Carlos straight but Logan intervenes before he can do anything.

"We're just worried," Logan says hands raised in surrender. Carlos is breathing heavy, an animal caught, trapped, and scared.

"If you have something to say than fucking say it!" Carlos shouts venom dripping from every word. James steps close to Carlos looking down on him and leering. All the hurt from Carlos hanging out with his new friend bubbling up inside of James. The hurt that Carlos won't tell them anything anymore, the hurt that he doesn't know what's wrong with his best friend. And then the hurt exploded.

"Okay let's see... You're so STUPID! YOU DON'T EVEN SPEND TIME WITH US ANYMORE, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO HANG OUT WITH YOUR BETTER, AND COOLER FRIEND? YOU WON'T PICK UP GIRLS WITH ME, BUT YOU WILL WITH THIS GUY YOU JUST. FUCKING. MET! WHAT THE HELL CARLOS! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY BEST FRIEND!" James screams getting up in Carlos face chest puffed out, looking intimidating. Carlos wasn't scared. He was pissed, no Carlos was _livid_.

"OH YEAH WELL IF MY 'BEST FRIEND' CARED ABOUT ME HE'D GET. OFF. MY. ASS!" Carlos bellowed. He and James were flush against each other now, both boy's breathing was hard and their chests were heaving pushing on the other. James looks furious and his fists clench at his sides, he looks like he's about to deck Carlos and somewhere deep down Carlos wants him to. He wants James to punch him so hard his nose breaks and his lip splits, dripping blood all over their perfect little fantasy, where everything is OK, that they had been living in.

"You think you're all that! But you're nothing, you'll always be nothing, people will look back on you and won't even know your name James. And you wanna know why? Hmm? Because you'll never be a, WAS, you'll always be a never, WERE. Just a stupid little boy with stupid little dreams," James is heaving his eyes blackened with rage and Carlos' face in front of him starts to blur because he's so goddamn angry. He's getting closer, Carlos can tell that he's a breath away from beating the life from him. And he wants it so bad, he _needs_ it.

"Go ahead, hit me. I fucking. Dare. You," Carlos spits out darkly, and then, with one word, with one dark, unmentioned taboo, he pushes James that last step and he's tumbling over the edge.

"Worthless," it's just a whisper, but a line was crossed. Carlos knew that was the worst thing to say to James. And all of a sudden James' fist is connecting with Carlos' jaw. It throbs and Carlos stumbles back a few steps. Looking shocked, he knew he wanted it, but Carlos never knew James would hit him. Never thought he'd take the bait.

_'Serves you right.'_

No one ever hit Carlos ever since high school when he got jumped by a bunch of the Varsity hockey players for being hispanic. Carlos ended up in the hospital and his friends always swore to protect him from that moment on. They promised him that they'd protect him forever.

'I guess forever ends today,' Carlos thought bitterly, and than he's moving away scared and angry. Screaming things that should never have left his mouth, but they did.

"YOU'RE ALWAYS COMPLAINING ABOUT ME! YOU JUST THINK THINGS WOULD BE BETTER! IS THAT IT JAMES? YOU WISH I WAS DEAD! YOU WISH I WOULD JUST DROP DEAD SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH MY SHIT ANYMORE?" Carlos screams.

"No that's not what he mea-" Kendall tries but he gets cut off. Logan's eyes were wide and he was holding his hands over his mouth in shock at the fact that James had just hit Carlos, _Carlos_. No one ever hit Carlos. Logan was shocked that Carlos was saying the things that he was saying. It was so scary seeing his friends act like this. The next words out of James' mouth froze Logan's blood in horror, those words should never have been said. Never have been thought.

"YEAH CARLOS, GO FUCKING DROP DEAD! I FUCKING WISH YOU WOULD DROP DEAD! WE DON'T NEED YOU! GUSTAVO WAS RIGHT YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING! _WE _DON'T NEED YOU! IN FACT, NO ONE NEEDS YOU! AND MORE IMPORTANTLY _I_ DON'T FUCKING NEED YOU!" James screams, spit flying from his mouth, face red, and a glint of madness in his eyes.

"JAMES!" Logan screamed in disgust and terror.

"Carlos, he didn't mean that," Kendall starts to say, panicked, but Carlos interupts, eyes dead and hollow.

"Yes he did, you all do. He's just the only one to have the guts to say it," Carlos whispers, and with that he leaves. Running out of the apartment and towards the club as fast as he can, not knowing if he ever wants to see his 'friends' again.

_'It's not about your friends, it's not about the glory, it's not about the fame, and it's not about honor. It's about doing the right thing. Making the right decision. Even if it's the hardest decision you ever have to make.'_

"I know."

**With The Boys**

Kendall was the leader, he was the boy that was supposed to keep their friends safe. So he had no idea what to do when he saw James punch Carlos. Who did he protect? The boy that was hit or the one that was verbally torn down? Kendall chose the boy that was hit, that's how James ended up slammed against the counter his back pressing painfully into the marble. Kendall's fists clenched into the taller boy's shirt.

"What the FUCK dude? Why would you hit him? He's been terrified of being physically assualted since he was, oh I don't know... PHYSICALLY ASSUALTED! You saw him fucking laying there _broken_ in the hospital! And so you decide to hit him! Good job! What a stand up guy! Really fucking honorable of you! Did you feel like a man when you hit your BEST FRIEND who is HALF your fucking size?" Kendall screamed spit flying into James' perfect face.

"I'm sorry OK! I was just so upset! I didn't even mean what I said, things just got out of hand," James finished lamely. Kendall's grip didn't loosen.

"Come on Kendall, everyone was on edge, it was bound to happen, let him go. Please?" Logan asked putting his hand on Kendall's bicep. Kendall's eyes never left James'. Promising excruciating pain, if it ever happened again. Finally Kendall pulled away going to sit down in one of the kitchen chairs, while James just stood there looking pathetic.

The air in the kitchen was tense until Logan broke it with a terrifying question.

"I wonder is Carlos really feels that way, that we all hate him and that he want him dead," Logan's breath hitched on the last word. It felt so wrong coming out of his mouth.

"Well if he didn't before he does now, we're horrible friends," Kendall said looking at James. The room was thick with unsaid thoughts. Thick with the pain that their friend was so _hurt_ and none of them noticed.

**With Daniel**

I had been watching Carlos for the past week, and I truly loved what I saw. He was truly beautiful. That dark skin will look so sexy as the blood runs down it, and the boy really did have a perfect ass. I can imagine how tight he was going to be, just thinking about it made me drool. I wanted to make that boy so fucking sick, I'm going to make him suck my fat cock and swallow, I hope he chokes on it.

_Stop thinking like that, it's disgusting_.

Whatever. I also noticed something very, _very_ important, Carlos was the glue that held his friends together. The little kid of the group, (the innocent and naive child) and from what I could tell he was a virgin and had never even kissed anyone. It was going to be so beautiful to break him. My thoughts trailed off as said boy came storming in the club and right up to my bar. He threw himself into the stool across from me and huffed angrily.

"Something bothering you Carlos?" I asked, and I honestly wanted to know what made this perfect boy so upset. So disraught. I poured him a drink and listened to his story patiently. Drink after drink, sentence after sentence and word from word I listened, until he got to one part that really intersted me.

"So then James said he wished I would _die_! I mean who _says_ that to their _best_ friend?" Carlos yells slamming his glass onto the bar hard. He looked so angry, but the hurt outweighed the anger. What Carlos just said made me smile. 'Be careful what you wish for,' I think. It's ironic, and so sweet that the last thing the guy this kid loves ever says to him is to go die, and here I am. I realize that Carlos was still talking.

"And I love him so much! So much! I'm doing this for him you know? I'm here in this bar night after night losing sleep for him!" Carlos says in frustration. That part makes me frown, what does he mean he comes here for James?

"What are you talking about?" I ask. Carlos sighs and looks around as if he's trying to be sure their alone.

"It's a secret you can't tell anyone," the boys says seriously.

"I swear to God, I'll never tell a soul."

"You know that serial killer? The one that's been attacking gay boys? I'm hunting him! I'm trying to find him and capture him, I want to make it safer here, I want to put this man away forever for hurting all those boys. I tell myself it's also for my friends, it's for James." Carlos explains. If I hadn't been the smart, intellectual man I was my jaw would have dropped. Here I am, ready to murder this boy, stalking him, following him, and all he's looking for is me. And he has no idea. This is going to be fun. I grin widely and continue to listen to him talk. I keep getting caught in my fantasies of what I'm going to do to him. As the night starts to come to a close I get ready to move in.

"Carlos I'll make you a deal, you help me take the trash out back to the dumpsters all your drinks for the night will be on the house deal?" I ask, waiting knowing he's going to take the bait. His eyes light up.

"Sure, but I would've done it anyway free drinks or no free drinks," He said smiling as he followed me and I handed him a trash bag. We made our way to the the back door and exited.

I watch as Carlos heads for the dumpster and stands on his tiptoes to push one of the bags of trash into the bin. I move quickly behind him grabbing the crow bar sitting on the side of the alley and bring it switly onto the small boys head, he drops to the ground, crimson liquid flowing down the side of his face. I think excitedly how I was right:

His skin looked so beautful with blood dripping down it. So beautiful.

**P.S Ok we are getting much closer to the prologue. I hope you all liked this. Oh and I'm not going to lie to you, Daniel is only going to get worse, more brutal. **

**MyHeroRaven**


	8. I'm Going To Die

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush**

**Chapter 8 I Am Going To Die:**

**Carlos POV**

My eyes started to adjust and there was a sharp pain running through my arms. My chest felt tight and every second that went by just made it a million times worse. Where was I?

I looked around and soon realized that I wasn't safe in my bed at the Palm Woods. My head was throbbing and I could feel something slick running down the side of my face. It was blood. I must have been hit in the head. It hurt so badly and it was hard to keep my eyes open. I felt sleepy, but I've heard that when you get a head injury that you need to stay awake. I think it's because you can fall asleep and never wake up if you do. I started to hyperventilate, my brown eyes widening with fear as the panic set in.

"HELP PLEASE! SOMEONE HELP ME! AYÚDENME POR FAVOR! YO NECESITO AYUDA POR FAVOR ALGUIEN! NADIE! ¡Por Favor!" I screamed. It hurt my throat to yell, and I had started to speak Spanish. It was compulsive… I only spoke my native tongue when I was scared.

And I had good reason to be!

I was completely alone in what seemed to be a cellar. It was dirty and the smell of rust was strong… wait that's not rust. Its blood; the sickening and thick coppery scent of blood eroding my senses. Dirt and grime covered the walls of my surroundings. I could hear water dripping from the sink in the corner. I couldn't see much though; the room was so dark. I tried to get up so I could walk around and get a better look. But I couldn't move.

I looked up and realized that my wrists were shackled and bound to the ceiling by a pair of chains; the cold metal chafing against my wrists. My ankles were chained as well to the floor, making it hard for me to stand. I couldn't move.

What was I doing before I got here? I was at the club. Hunting for him like I had been doing for the last month. I was at the club. I was at the club, I can't remember! I can't remember what the hell happened! Okay Carlos breath, remember what your abuelita used to say before she passed away: love each day... for there may not be another. I have to stay positive, that's what she always told me. I need to think about the good things!

Well, nothing seems to be broken. I think I still have my kidney… and I'm not dead. _Yet._ Don't think like that! My friends will find me! They always find me, Kendall, Logan, and James. James… _James._ He'll never know, he'll never know how much I love him, how I've _always _loved him. I'm going to die and he'll never, ever know.

_Way to be negative._ But it's true. Oh God, I'm locked in a cellar, bleeding and injured, with a serial killer, a rapist, a man that preys on gay boys. I'm gay, and none of my friends knows where I am. _I __have__ to stay positive._ Come on I'm Carlos! I can do anything! I can make it! I looked up at the chains above my head and I pulled and pulled, thinking like they do in the movies where the Hero gets the strength he needs at the last second and makes a miraculous escape

But this wasn't the movie, I wasn't a Hero, I wasn't even the damsel in distress, I was just a 15-year-old boy, a _kid_, trapped and at the mercy of a madman. My heart strayed back to James the look in his eyes when he laughs, when he smiles, when he told me, _you'll never be able to do it._ He was right. What was I thinking going head to head with a serial killer? A murderer? I'm just a stupid little boy in love, desperate for _his_ attention. I'm in love with someone who will probably never love me back. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Fucking stupid Carlos! I'm always doing something reckless! And look where's it's gotten me! _But…_ But… what? _But you have to make it. For your friends… you have to make it for your friends… for James._ Yeah. I can do this, I'll survive for James. Hope elated within me, filled me up till I was ready to burst. I could do this.

BANG!

All of a sudden a small light filtered at the other end of the room and I knew that the door had been opened. Heavy footsteps descended the stairs, descended upon my heart making me feel like I was going to be violently sick. As the footsteps neared I felt tears fall from my eyes and in that moment all hope and courage I had found went out like a light.

_I am going to die._

**With James**

It had been hours. Hours of James pacing back and forth in his room just waiting. Waiting for a phone call, for a txt message, or for Carlos to come walking through the door to apartment 2J ready to forgive James.

"Yeah, like he would ever forgive me," James said moving to sit on the end of Carlos' bed. He ran is hands through his hair, thoroughly messing it up. But James didn't care, all he cared about was Carlos. It was now 10 a.m. and Carlos _still_ hadn't returned, or called, or _anything._

"Carlos... if something happens to you I will _never_ forgive myself," James whispered pure agony lacing his words. Dread filled his belly as he feared for his friend. The guilt that he had driven away his best friend after being so cruel started to spread like poison.

It was all James' fault. Carlos was just _upset_. They had all attacked him, ganged up. Something they had agreed that they _wouldn't_ do. And yet they did. Carlos was just mad. He didn't mean to say those nasty things, and at any point during the argument James could have just _stopped_.

"But I didn't."

_'Yeah, you only made it worse, you PUNCHED your BEST friend. How does it feel knowing that anything from here on out is going to be all your fault?'_

"It is my fault. Everything's always my fault. I've been selfish. I made all my friends pack up their whole _lives_ just so that I could live _my_ dream. I've been cruel, obsessive, and vain. I hit Carlos. _Carlos!_ How could I do something so bad? Where did it all go wrong?"

A terrible thought filtered into James' brain and festered.

"What if he leaves? What if I never see him again?"

On one hand Carlos could still be mad at him, and James didn't blame him. In fact James was still mad at James. On the other hand, Carlos could have gotten hurt, the numerous scenarios running through James' head made the tall boy slightly sick. But then, this was CARLOS! He's probably fine, James reasoned.

_'But what if he's not?'_

"He is! He has to be! Carlos has to be OK, even if he hates me!"

Because if Carlos was not okay... then the whole world wouldn't be okay.

James knew that, he knew his own future was tied into the smaller boy's now. He couldn't imagine anything ever being OK without Carlos. Nothing would be the same, Carlos was the kid of the group, the one everyone loved and wanted to protect. The boy that James had stayed up to watch sleep on countless nights. He felt closer to Carlos than the other boys. As much as he loved them, there was just this distinguishable difference in how he was around Carlos than how he was around Kendall or Logan. James didn't understand why he felt that way; it actually confused the crap out of him. He didn't know why he felt so strongly for Carlos... he just did.

It was like asking why the sun shines... and the answer could be put into technical terms but in reality the sun shone because it just did.

James started to feel restless and looked around his room. His side was messy like always and Carlos was neat. Completely spic and span. Logan and Carlos were always the most organized out of the group, it was ironic because Carlos' lifestyle was spontaneous and all over the place. Yet his room was perfectly clean. Except, James noticed, a shirt laying on the floor by one of the vents.

Grabbing it he realized it was Carlos' favorite shirt, his blood-red button down. He usually wore it only on special occasions or for concerts, and he always took really good care of it. So, when James found it crumpled up on the floor it seemed weird. Feeling the fabric between his fingers he moved towards Carlos' closet to put away the precious shirt. His hand on door, feeling the cool wood beneath his finger, James opened Carlos' closet and opened up terror as he froze staring at what was in front of him, laid out like some sort of fucked up beacon in a cloudy storm.

"KENDALL! LOGAN! COME QUICK!" James screamed. His breathing had become labored as he started to panic at what was before him. He didn't even hear the thudding footsteps as his friends came barrelling into the room huffing and out of breath.

"Dude! You're so luck my mom took Katie to school and had to go shopping! If she had heard you-" Kendall stopped abruptly looking at the fear and shock on James' face. Kendall moved to where James stood immobile in front of Carlos's closet. The sight that met Kendall stopped his heart.

"Seriously James, it's too early in the morning for this bullshit," Logan snapped walking over to join his friends. Logan was _not_ a morning person. Not at all.

"_Oh my god..."_ Logan covered his mouth as he stared into the closet.

There were crime scene photos, pictures, stats, and lists of all the boys killed by the serial killer they had heard about a few weeks ago. The same serial killer that Carlos said he was going to catch. Newspaper clippings littered the wall and Carlos laptop sat opened on the floor. Information on the club that the kids had been taken from. It was like watching a horror show, a fucked up murder spree, pictures littered the floor, the wall. Empty bottles of water lay on the ground surrounding the laptop like a shrine. There was a small blanket on the floor, which meant that Carlos had been _sleeping_ here. In this closet. In this room or horrors. The pictures were gruesome, blood splattered the victims. Some had their eyes shut as if they were sleeping, and some had their eyes open. Dead and void.

_'Of course they're eyes are dead Logie. Because they're dead.'_

The thought sent a shudder through the smaller boy and he unconsciously curled closer to Kendall, as if the boy could save him, erase from his mind the images that he just saw. That he'll never _ever_ be able to _un_see.

"Kendall," Logan whispered. It was soft and pleading. _Fearful_. Kendall took a terrifying, shaky breath before speaking.

"James... where's Carlos?" James whimpered.

"Oh god," Logan choked on a small sob that threatened to take over his throat.

"I don't think Carlos has a new friend… I think he's been hunting that freaking lunatic down!" James said sounding mad. Anger at the fact that he had been _lied_ to.

"He lied, he doesn't have a friend. The club he's been going to? Yeah a million bucks that's the same club the victims were taken from! How could he lie? To us! To me! Goddammit Carlos!" James screamed madness, hurt, and fear in his eyes. He ran forward into the closet and started to tear the pictures from the wall down. Ripping, tearing, shredding. Anything to make it all just _go away_. He's kicking stuff in Carlos' closet, the laptop falls to the ground with a loud thunk and the screen goes black, but James doesn't care. He's screaming and Kendall and Logan just stand there in awe as their friend destroys everything. Kendall finally had enough as he sees tears stream down James' face.

"James, come on buddy stop. Calm down," He moves forward and grabs James' shoulders and forcefully steers him out of the closet. James fighting the whole way. When James is finally seated on his bed Logan shuts the closet door in disgust and moves away from it quickly.

"He fucking lied! He lied! He said he wasn't going to do anything! Doesn't it bother you guys at all? Don't you care that someone you trust your lives with has lied to you?" James yelled.

"Of course I'm upset, but Carlos is missing and that takes precedence," Kendall said calmly standing next to Logan carefully watching James.

"Yeah, guys this is really dangerous, he could be seriously hurt! I know he lied but I don't care right now… I just want Carlos back," Logan says as tears fall from his eyes. Kendall pulls him into his body and wraps his arms around Logan's waist. James is just standing there staring blankly.

"Wait a minute, just wait, yes Carlos is still not back. But that doesn't mean we should jump to conclusions. He's probably just still pissed about last night. I know I would be. Plus when you think about it really, what are the chances that Carlos _actually_ found the person killing the boys? AND even if by some _miracle_ he _did, _ Carlos isn't gay! The television said that it was a _hate_ crime, as in only homosexuals are targets. So really everything points to Carlos being ok." James said smiling widely. Honestly, he was still _pissed_ that Carlos lied. But knowing the small boy was in no immediate danger helped ease his racing heart. At least until he saw the agony and guilt wash across Kendall and Logan's faces. Then to James' absolute horror Logan broke down in tears. And not even sniffling little tears but full out sobbing.

"What?" James asked looking startled.

"James, Carlos _is_ gay. He came out to me and Logan a couple of months ago and we promised we wouldn't tell anyone," Kendall said sitting Logan down onto the bed and rubbing his back soothingly.

"Okay, so he's been lying for a while ago, and by _you two_ not telling me, that's lying too! What is Mamma Knight a stripper too? Is Guitar Dude banging the Jennifers? Anything _else_ you've been _fucking_ keeping from me?" James spat, venom drenching his words.

"Man shut up! Don't you fucking get it? Carlos is missing, Carlos is missing and he's been hunting down a serial killer that _rapes, tortures, _and _murders_ gay boys! And guess what James... CARLOS IS GAY!" Logan screamed standing up. Kendall and James looked in shock at the smart boy's outburst. Then reality sunk in like the Titanic.

"Oh my god, we need to do something! Anything, other than just sitting here talking about it! Carlos could be dying!" James said before standing up and looking around the room frantically. Logan sighed as he started to calm down.

"We're all worried about Carlos" Logan said tiredly.

"No you don't understand! We need to find him! I need to find him! I need to save him! This can't happen, _I can't lose him_."

"We can't do anything… it hasn't been 24 hours so we can't report him missing. Plus what are we going to tell the cops? Oh our best friend has been hunting that serial killer down, going to bars illegally, and breaking into police files? Yeah that'll go over well," sarcasm dripping from Logan's words. In the blink of an eye James has grabbed Logan by his shirt and has slammed him into the wall; Logan's feet are barely touching the flood.

"You know Logan you're really starting to piss me off with your logical bullshit! Carlos needs us!" James is grabbed roughly by the back of his shirt and is thrown away from Logan, stumbling to right himself he looks into angry green eyes. Kendall's arms have wrapped protectively around Logan's waist.

"_Don't you dare touch Logan again_, you need to chill." Kendall has never looked more vicious and menacing than he does right now. James' eyes soften as realization hits him. They're _together._ Something painful hits him in the heart. He wants Carlos to be okay, and not just because he's his best friend… but because he loves Carlos he wants Carlos to be okay so he can have what Kendall and Logan have. Calming himself as best as he could he looks at his best friends. Understanding that they had been found out by Kendall and Logan and understanding by James that he did need to chill. Nothing would be accomplished from screaming and fighting amongst themselves. He had to do this for Carlos. For the boy he loved.

'I love Carlos.' And finally it felt right. To think it, but now James just hoped with all his heart that he would see Carlos again so that he could finally say it.

"Yeah you're right we need to focus and come up with a plan; that is your specialty after all right K-Dawg?" Apology is written all over James' face and Forgiveness is splayed across Kendall's.

"Damn straight, let's get to work," Kendall said smiling pounding his fist to James, a smile spread across both boys' faces.

**P.S. Okay so the next chapter is one of the rape/torture chapters. There will be new warnings at the beginning. I'm saying this again, it's going to be graphic, it's going to be painful to read, and it's going to be sick. Because in real life rape isn't pretty. It's harsh and traumatic. **

**MyHeroRaven**


	9. Ruin

**Disclaimer: I do now own Big Time Rush.**

**WARNING: This is my last warning. This isn't going to be sexy, this isn't going to be beautiful, it's going to be rough, disgusting, vile and sick. I am not censoring this because in real life rape (oral or anal) is not censored. This is for all the victims that have gone through this. For the people that have suffered. I'm done warning you, the second you clicked this and read this warning you entered my domain. So sit back and welcome to my world. **

**Chapter 9 Ruin:**

_'I am going to die,'_ Carlos thought as the figure reached the bottom of the stairs and walked over into the small amount of light that bathed the cold, dirty room.

Hope elated within Carlos when he realized blearily who he was looking at.

"Daniel! Please you have to untie me man, there's a killer, we have to get out of here!" Carlos spoke hoarsely, panic seeping through his words.

"That would be counter-productive," Daniel said calmly. He had a small smile on his face as he came to stand before Carlos. Looking over the boy hungrily.

"What? What are you talking about dude? I'm fucking serious! Untie me, we need to go get help!" Carlos screamed breathing heavily. Daniel chuckled darkly.

"Like I said it would be counterproductive, Carlitos." he purred deep into Carlos' ear, making the small boy shudder. Something about that voice, it made Carlos feel so small. So... insignificant.

_'Carlos... Carlos he's-' _His breath hitched in realization horror consuming his body as he whispered into the deadly silence:

"No..."

"Oh yes, you were looking for me? Well here I am Carlos."

"NO! You're not him! You're not fucking him!" Carlos screamed disbelief pooling in his precious brown eyes.

"Yeah actually I am him. The one and only boogeyman. I am the monster little boys fear. And I've been waiting for you," Daniel said running a calloused hand down Carlos' cheek slowly. Enjoying the look of disgust and fear on the small boy's face. His eyes, his beautiful honey eyes lighting up in terror.

"This whole party is just for you baby. This is going to be so much fun, but not for you Carlos. I don't think you're going to enjoy this." Daniel cooed menacingly.

"DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! I FUCKING TRUSTED YOU! YOU WERE SO, SO _NORMAL_!" Carlos shrieked trying unsuccessfully to yank his head away from Daniel.

"Normal? But what is normalcy? How do we, as humans beings, define what _normal_ is?" Daniel asked confusion in his dark eyes.

"Humans? You're not fucking _human_! If anything you're a sociopath, a killer, _pedophile,_" Carlos growled anger surging through his veins trying to cover the terror. Daniel's eyes grew dark and his thin fingers crawled into Carlos' hair, yanking, pulling the strands violently. Tilting Carlos' head back. Daniel moved towards Carlos' throat and kissed it gently, lovingly and then moved towards his ear, whispering as softly as a summer wind.

"I am _not_ a pedophile, you'd do well to remember that Carlos. I am merely doing God's work. What he tells me to do. Remember, here you are not the victim, you are the villain. The world is the victim of your perverted ways; I'm just here to get rid of evil. To get rid of you."

"I'm not evil! It's not wrong for me to love a boy! It's not wrong! I'M NOT WRONG!" Carlos screams, face turning red from anger and the tight grip the killer has on his hair.

"You are, sweet boy, you are so wrong. And somehow, to me, that's so right." He tightens his grip in his hair before breathing in, smelling Carlos' boyish skin. After drinking in the intoxicating aroma he let's go of Carlos' hair.

"You're the youngest I've ever had. You're my good little baby aren't you? It's going to be so breath-taking to break you," Daniel smiles and stares at Carlos young, small form. Eyes growing dark from lust.

"You'll never break me, no matter what you do to me. You'll. Never. Break. Me." Carlos says as strongly as he can.

"Ah but I will. I'll hurt you so bad that your little _Jamie_ won't even be able to look at you," he growls. Something primal erupts within Carlos, something dark and strong.

"Shut the fuck up! Don't talk about him! Don't you DARE say his name again!" Carlos is going crazy, trying to break the chains screaming as loudly as he possibly can. He can't stand it, can't stand the fact that he said his name.

"Shut up," is Daniel's clipped reply as he walks over to a metal table in the corner of the room. Staring at the multiple weapons, knives, and medical equipment laid out, gleaming.

Grabbing a scalpel Daniel walks back over to where Carlos is restrained. He pushes the small surgical instrument into Carlos throat drawing a red line of blood. Carlos stops breathing trying not to move too much so the blade would not be imbedded deeper into his skin.

"I'm going to undo your bindings, we are locked down here in this basement, there is no escape. But by all means scream and struggle all you like. I'm stronger, faster, and smarter than you. So you will not get away. Do you understand?"

Carlos' eyes went wide and large fat tears started to stream down his perfect face. He blinked once to show he understood. No _way_ was he going to nod his head with that thing ready to pour open his throat. Daniel nodded and slowly dragged the blade across his throat causing more blood to flow. The cut was shallow, it would not kill the boy.

Daniel walked back over to the table and placed the knife onto it before returning to Carlos. Deciding to do his feet first, Daniel unclasped the shackles and pulled a roll of duct tape out of his pants pocket. He pushed the small, tan ankles together harshly and started to roll the duct tape around it, once, twice, three times until Carlos' feet were immovable barely touching the floor. Smiling at Carlos' shocked face he went to remove the shackles on the boy's wrists and bound them together in front of his body with the same tape. Since nothing was holding Carlos up he slumped forward until Daniel gently lifted him into his arms. One arm across the back of the boy's shoulders and the other under his knees. Carrying Carlos bridal style to a rusted bed at the far side of the room under the stairs he carefully laid him on his back on the bed before walking away and out of sight.

Carlos felt dirty for not fighting him when his hands were free, but he really didn't want to die. Not yet at least. The tears continued down his face and he felt shame as Daniel came back and gently wiped them away with his thumb.

"It's okay you don't need to cry baby," Daniel said. This made Carlos mad and he wrenched his head away from Daniel's grasp. Growling, he pushed Carlos' bound hands to his chest and crawled on top of the small boy, effectively swallowing him with his large size. Pressing painfully on the boy's body he got down into his ear breathing in his boyish scent. It was intoxicating and delicious. He wanted to taste it. Daniel whispered,

"You know why I picked you Carlos?"

"Because you're a sick fuck?" Carlos groaned trying to move his head away from the hot breath that beat against his skin.

"Langauge Carlos, and no. I picked you becuse no one would miss you," Daniel said smiling beautifully at the helpless boy beneath his warm body. It was lie, Daniel picked him because he was truly beautiful and he wanted to watch his break, crack, and shatter from his tight, suffocating grasp. But they boy didn't need to know that.

"Yes they would! My friends-"

"What friends? From you told me at the bar you don't have friends anymore." Daniel mocked.

"They love me! They'll come! I know they will!" Carlos said, strong and true. Daniel smiled a wicked smile.

"No they won't, come on baby let's put that beautiful mouth of yours to better use." He cooed softly into Carlos's ear and started to shift above the boy. Carlos gasped in terror as he felt something hard rubbing against his thigh. That set something off in him and Carlos started to struggle wildly, arching his back trying to throw the man off of him. Daniel was unbelievebly turned on by this, the boy wriggling like a fish beneath him. It made his cock grow harder until he was engorged. Daniel needed release; he _needed_ that hot little mouth. But even more so, he needed the boy beneath him to feel him, he needed him to _crack_.

Moving forward he sat on Carlos hands, feeling them wriggling under his ass as his hands moved towards his own pants. Carlos was looking around scared, panic evident in his sweet, wide eyes. The strength that the boy had been spewing earlier was fading, and it was fading fast. Replaced by fear and innocence, Daniel could almost smell it on him and it was amazing.

Daniel unbuttoned his pants and slid the zipper down slowly, teasingly. The sound of that zipper would haunt Carlos for the rest of his life.

As soon as the zipper was down Daniel pulled out his hard dick, stroking it looking at Carlos, watching his reaction. And what a reaction it was. As hard as Carlos tried he couldn't look away, it was like watching a gory car accident. Body parts spewn across the ground, the occasional sick person taking a picture of a dead infant laying on the ground for his Myspace. It was horrific and Carlos snapped out of his daze only to start thrashing again.

Daniel thought it was hot watching this boy struggle, but it was inevitable and his patience was growing thin. Reaching out Daniel punched Carlos in the jaw as hard as he could, listening as the boy cried out in pain.

He reached forward gripping Carlos' hair tightly.

"Come on baby, open up for daddy. I've got a present for you," Daniel said breathless from the pleasure in his loins.

"No please, please do-" But before Carlos could finish his last desperate plea for salvation Daniel had pushed the boy's head up and onto his thick cock, pressing it as deep as it could go into the small boy's mouth.

"_Shit, shit baby you feel so good. So hot, God your mouth is sexy," _Daniel moaned_, _moving Carlos head back and forth on his dick. He loved the feel of the hot cavern surrounding him. He felt the boy gag aggressively, saliva and spittle coating his dick. It was like the kid was trying with all his might to force the object out of his mouth. Carlos kept gagging, retching, he wasn't used to something this large filling up his mouth and throat. His teeth kept scraping against the flesh because he didn't really know what to do. Daniel smiled as he felt Carlos' throat spasm around his cock. It felt wonderful. He was still going easy on the boy, though, not going all the way into his throat. At least until now.

Daniel stopped for a moment and Carlos tried to take a deep breath before having the whole length shoved down his small throat. Daniel's stomach was pressing against Carlos' nose, suffocating him. Tears gathered at the corner of his eyes from the pain, his throat was stretching unnaturally. It was _painful, sick, and Carlos was frightened._

Carlos started to heave, his back arching up towards Daniel as he tried to take a breath. There was too much in his mouth and he couldn't adjust. But Daniel didn't care. It felt so good, but Daniel knew it would feel even better if the kid would just fuckin _suck_.

"Come on Carlos, give me a little loving, won't you?" Daniel gasped out, pleasure from being wrapped up in something so hot. Carlos shook his head, effectively choking himself as Daniel slid forward a little more, refusing to help the man get off.

"Do you want me to kill Kendall and Logan? Do you want me to hunt down your faggy friends and do the same to them and make you watch? DO YOU?" Daniel screamed, pissed that Carlos wasn't reciprocating. Just the thought of Kendall, screaming and crying as a knife cut into his throat, Kendall crying because he has to watch Logan, his Logie, in the same position as Carlos was nearly killing him. Tears fell from his eyes in pain as he shook his head. Tentatively Carlos began to breath in and suck. Daniel noted that his throat was making a gurgling sound form the half ass job he was doing. But Daniel wasn't worried, the boy would learn to suck cock like a pro by the time he was done with him. Carlos began to feel bile rise in his throat. But he knew he had to keep going, if anything to preserve his life, but more so to protect his friends. He had to.

"Oh, good boy. You're such a good boy for me aren't cha baby? Oh yeah I'm getting close baby, come on keep going," Daniel groaned feeling his orgasm bubble up in pit of his stomach. He gave a tight pull to Carlos hair and shoved himself as far down his throat as he could, Carlos heaving violently, eyes bursting wide and back arching high into the air from the pain, before pulling back a little, filling the boy's mouth with his sweet, sweet cum, before pulling out. He was breathing hard as he watched Carlos start to spasm, trying to breathe through the cum in his mouth, trying hard to spit it out.

But, Daniel would have none of that. He closed his large hand over Carlos' mouth and rolled the little boy over so that he was on his belly, still heaving. Trying to get rid of the poison in his mouth. He had to flip Carlos onto his stomach because if he's on his back then he can just say to himself that it flowed down his throat and gravity did all the work, that it wasn't his fault, but if the boy is on his front then he had to swallow consensually, it makes it all his fault. The little slut.

"Come on Carlos, swallow," Daniel cooed into his ear, pressing his body flush against Carlos feeling all his muscles tense as he tries to heave again in pain, disgust, and shame. Tears fall and Carlos realizes he's crying.

"Come on shhhhh baby it's okay, just swallow it sweetie," Daniel whispered softly, reaching his the hand not covering Carlos' mouth down to his belly as he started to rub it gently, almost lovingly.

Carlos' eyes rolled into the back of his head as he swallowed and swallowed until it was all gone, down into his stomach.

"Are you full now baby? Is your tummy full?" Daniel mocked in a sweet and gentle voice, cruelly shoving the boy down into the mattress and punching the back of Carlos' head as hard as he could, before getting up and sitting on the edge of the bed just watching, waiting for the reaction he knew was going to come.

Carlos rolled over so that he wasn't on his front anymore. He looked at the ceiling feeling the shame well in his gut and that was all it took before he freaked. Reaching his bound hands up he started to shove his fingers down his throat, trying to make himself throw up the horrors within, the nightmares that would never leave.

Daniel chuckled, leaned forward and pulled the boy's hands from his mouth. There was blood covering Carlos' fingertips, showing that he had scratched his throat to hell in his maddening attack to be clean again. But Carlos would never be clean again. Daniel knew it and Carlos knew it.

'Now he's just as dirty as me,' Daniel thinks.

Pulling Carlos' hands up above his head he handcuffed them to the rusted, metal bed post. insuring that Carlos couldn't make himself throw up the _Daniel _that was in his stomach.

"Do you want me to rub your belly baby?" Daniel asked moving down to Carlos shirt lifting it slightly. Daniel started to stroke the skin around and below his belly button, watching as the muscles clenched and unclenched in discomfort.

"You know you liked that, you _wanted_ it. If you hadn't then you wouldn't have swallowed me down like a starving man trying to clench your thirst."

"God, no- you're so sick," Carlos began to sob, breath-taking, heart-wrenchingly beautiful sobs that shook the boy so hard it was almost violent. Carlos cried, the reality of the situation taking over his brain. Leaving nothing but fear, and a small wish for death. To just die, so he wouldn't have to face what he had done. So he wouldn't have to face himself.

Daniel stopped rubbing Carlos' skin and pulled the shirt down covering his flesh, thinking of how soon he would claim that skin, he would make it bleed and take it over until it was _his own_ skin.

Moving away from him, Daniel went to the table with all the instruments and grabbed his camera. This was a beautiful moment in history, it was step one to breaking the boy. There were four steps: Shame, Pain, Agony, & Death. Zooming in the killer made sure the camera caught the still wet cum on the boy's cheeks and the spit running down his face to mingle with the tears. He took tons of photographs, some with the blood slowly drying on his throat and some of the tears that mixed with his own sweet cum. It would be his masterpiece.

Daniel put the camera down and sat on the edge of the bed. He moved forward watching as Carlos sobbed, reaching to gently push the hair off of Carlos' sweaty forehead, lovingly, sweetly. But Daniel wasn't sweet as he bent down to whisper into his baby's ear.

"You still think your friends will save you? Still think they're going to come?"

Carlos doesn't say anything his wretched sobs echoing throughout the room so loud that nothing would ever drown them out. He opens his eyes, and they're darker, sadder than when Daniel had first met him. The bright, bubbly kid was gone. Replaced with a sobbing, pathetic mess. He was breaking... slowly, but surely.

"No? I didn't think so," Daniel said smirking before getting up and walking towards the stairs. He turns, one foot on the first step before whispering softly, but still loud enough for the boy to hear him:

"No one's coming for you, because no one cares. You're going to suffer here and die here. So get used to this room baby, because you're not leaving it alive."

Footsteps, and then a door slamming shut before Carlos is left in the dark, alone with his deadly thoughts.

**P.S. OMG, So okay there was only oral rape in this chapter, but it's going to build up to the actual rape. Daniel isn't your typical serial killer, no he is so much more. **

**I'm glad I finally wrote this though, because I was nervous that I was going to write it badly. I hope I didn't. I hope I did you all proud. **

**Until next time. **

**MyHeroRaven**


	10. I'll Save Him

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush**

**Chapter 10 I'll Save Him:**

It's been four days. _Four __days_ and still nothing. No sign of Carlos, no sign that Carlos was anywhere before he vanished. No sign that my best friend, the love of my life, was going to walk through the front door. Big, beautiful smile on his face, laughing ridiculously at some cazy prank he had just pulled. There was nothing. Nothing except the pain in my heart, the guilt coming from the fact that I caused this. If I hadn't punched him he wouldn't have run out, he wouldn't be at the mercy of some perverted man being subjected to GOD knows what. I wouldn't be sitting here, in Carlos' closet pouring over the same files, and pictures of the boys that Carlos poured over. It's ironic, because Carlos was the one researching this lunatic, and now, here I am with torn photographs [curtesy of myself] and shredded news paper articles. Trying to see what Carlos saw.

So far I hadn't found anything out that the police didn't already know. Four days ago, Kendall, Logan and I came up with the plan of checking out the club. We all went there and asked around. But nothing, they said that Carlos had become a regular and that he would just sit at the bar and drink. Always looking around, as if he were waiting for someone. Well I guess that _someone_ had found him.

It made me sick to my stomach knowing that it had been four days, four days since we went to Mamma Knight in tears. Four days since we explained to the cops what had happened. And so far they didn't believe us. They thought Carlos had just run away. They said it was normal for a boy his age to run off and that he would come back in a couple of days. But how many days were we expected to wait? How many more days of this _torture_ were we supposed to go through? How many more days of lazy fucking pigs, just sitting around and doing absolutely _nothing_?

The cops had questioned all of us, and we explained everything. How we had all gotten into a fight that night, and we even showed them Carlos' closet. We told the detective that Carlos was out at the club hunting down that _monster_. But they said it was unlikely. That he couldn't have _possibly_ found the killer, since the cops couldn't. _Seriously?_

Mamma Knight had freaked at first. She dropped to her knees and screamed. She feels like a failure. We all do. But it's because Carlos has _no_ family. _We're _his family. And we let him down. She had taken him in when his parents died and kept him safe for most of his life. But now? Now one of her babies was gone, gone, dead to the world. And she had no idea what to do about it. She was so _lost_.

Kendall tried to act brave, helping in any way that he could. Comforting his mom and Logan. Keeping Katie as busy as he could before the reality of the situation could set in. But it already had, you could see it in her eyes. She knew that Carlos was in trouble. She could _feel_ it.

After four days, however, Kendall started to crack. He started to wander around the Palm Woods, eyes glazed over. He blamed himself. I could see it in his eyes. They were hollow and saddened. Kendall was the leader. He was supposed to have saved him. At least that's what Kendall thought. But in reality, I was supposed to have saved him. Saved him by listening more, by seeing what he was doing. By not punching him and telling him to go die. I was horrible, I should kill myself. That thought had been festering in my mind for the last 3 days. I was so horrible. So bad.

We all knew Kendall had really cracked when he started to talk to himself. It happened just this afternoon, I remember because I was there. Or maybe I was here. I don't know anything anymore.

_Flashback_

"I know we'll find him. He's going to be okay, it's _Carlos_." Kendall muttered staring out the window, pacing. It seemed he was listening to nothing before he spoke again.

"Yes, I know he's the baby. He's our baby. We've always looked out for him, and this time is no different. We'll get him back. It'll be okay. It'll be ok," Kendall whispered to himself.

"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY! THAT WON'T HAPPEN TO CARLOS! HE'LL BE OKAY! HE'S GOING TO BE FINE! He has too," an agonizing sob broke through Kendall's thoughts and he turned. Logan stood there crying softly, wearing a pair of sweat pants and a white t-shirt. His t-shirt was hanging off of one shoulder. 'Baby you're so skinny.' He was holding himself crying looking at Kendall with those big brown, scared eyes. He looked so small, weak, _thinner_.

"Oh Logie, baby come here," Kendall held his hands out to the scared boy. But Logan didn't move. He stood there shaking and crying.

"Logie?" Kendall tried again and before he could take a breath he found his arms full of Logan. He was crying as Kendall held him.

"Why were you talking to yourself?" Logan sobbed. Kendall's grip tightened. He could feel Logan's ribs clearly and his shoulders were sharp and poking.

"Oh Logie, sometiemes I just get so lost. And I was just thinking out loud. I'm sorry. My boy, my beautiful baby boy," Kendall didn't realize he was crying, but Logan did.

"I love you Kenny, we'll be okay. It'll be okay, I promise," Logan held strong, taking up the position of leadership, showing Kendall that it was OK to be scared. And that he didn't have to be strong all the time. For hours they cried. Holding each other up by their souls, and hoping with everything inside of them that Carlos would be okay.

_End Flashback_

Logan's reaction to Carlos' disappearance was the worst. It was sick, he was _sick_. Logan had stopped eating the night Carlos ran out. Logan does things like that, he blames himself. He's supposed to be intelligent. He's supposed to see when his friends are hurting, and when it came to Carlos he didn't see a damn thing. Logan was always looking out for Carlos, it was like his job. We all looked after him. Carlos and his innocent ways, Carlos and his naivety. Carlos and his child-like acts.

Logan didn't eat anymore, and anything we forced him to eat he promptly threw up. Logan was wasting away. Slowly but surely. Pound by pound. Oh, he was smart he drank water so that he didn't die. But Logan knew that Carlos was suffereing, no matter where he was, that's why he did this. As long as one of his friends suffered so would he too. As long as Carlos was missing Logan wouldn't eat. And there was nothing any of us could do about it. We all stayed up, not able to face the demons in our sleep. Yet when we would get to sleep it was in Carlos' and mines room. We pushed the beds together and we would curl up. Three pieces of the puzzle waiting for the fourth to return. Only Carlos could complete us. Kendall and I would hold Logan between us as he cried himself to sleep, and then Kendall would fall asleep trying to be strong, and I would just lay there watching my friends fall apart. Until there was nothing left.

I was scared for Logan the most, he could die, and the sad thing was... it was like he didn't even care.

"Oh Carlos, you have no idea how lost we are without you," I whispered looking into the eyes of another dead boy. I could feel tears pooling in my eyes but before they could fall there was a loud knock at the front door. Composing myself I got up and walked out of the closet and out of my room into the kitchen. Kendall and Logan were arguing with a couple cops. I recognised them as being the assholes we had talked to before. The ones that thought Carlos has just ran away.

"What's going on?" I asked as I made my presence known. The cop on the left looks up and walks towards me smiling.

"Just here to arrest you, James David Diamond you are under arrest for suspicion of the kidnapping of Carlos Roberto Garcia. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?" Cold metal was slapped onto my wrists and tightened until it hurt.

"What are you talking about? I didn't fucking kidnap anyone! Let me go!" I started to struggle against the cop that was holding me.

"Resisting arrest, that doesn't look too good for you Jamie," The jerk mocked.

"James just relax and we'll meet you at the station. Don't say anything!" Mamma Knight said as I was dragged from the room and out of the hotel. Seeing Logan and Kendall's angry faces made me angrier. This wasn't helping Carlos, arresting me isn't helpful to CARLOS! Am I the ONLY one who cares about him? _Jesus_.

When we arrived at the station I was dragged into a small enclosed room with a two way mirror, table and two chairs. And then I was left alone. Where are you Carlos? Why did you have to run out that night, oh yeah it's my fault. All my fault. I thought about killing myself again. I thought about the chances of Carlos surviving. I brought it up once before but it made Logan cry so badly and Kendall got quiet. So I didn't bring it up again. But now that I'm alone, I can really think about it. He is a 15-year-old boy. Sure Carlos was strong, stronger than most. But this was a grown man, Carlos, care-free crazy Carlos was facing off against a grown man, a sick _freak_. A man that hurts little boys, boys like Carlos.

There have been no survivors, that's what the statistics said. Oh God, that's what Carlos is going to be, a statistic. No. I'm not going to let him be forgotten so easily. He'll fight, and I'll fight for him. I can save him.

The door bangs open and the dick cop struts in, sitting down across from me, smiling widely. I wanted to punch his coffee-stained teeth out.

"We take kidnapping very seriously kid. So how about you save me the time and paper work and just tell me where to find him," the bastard was so condescending.

"I didn't do anything," I said sitting back looking lazy. They had no proof.

"You wanna know what I think?" The cop jeered, looking down disgustedly at me.

"Not really," I mumbled.

"I think that maybe... you didn't kidnap him. Because maybe he's already dead. I can see it now, you guys argued and he ran out. You followed him and things got out of control, you killed him and stashed the body. Is that it kid? You killed your best friend?"

"No! I would never do something like that! I stayed in the apartment!"

"But can anyone vouch for you?"

"No, the others went to bed and I stayed up for hours by myself," I said looking down. This was looking worst by the second.

"No alibi, yeah that'll hold up in court," the cop scoffed.

"I didn't kill Carlos! Fuck! Are you really that fucking stupid?" I screamed slamming my hands onto the table before standing up and turning my back on him.

"Shhh... It's okay, accidents happen." the cops says.

"It's not OK! Becuase I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! JESUS CHRIST!" I picked up the chair that I had been sitting in and smashed it against the wall. Shit I was so fucking pissed off.

"Suspect gets angered easily."

"I DO NOT GET ANGRY!" I hollered viciously, as spit flew from my mouth spraying the cop all over his face.

The cop stood up and ran around the table so fast I didn't even have a chance to blink before I was slammed up against the wall, his hands around my throat, pressing menacingly.

"A 15-year-old boy is missing! Do you not understand that?" He yelled.

I look into his eyes, truth held in ever word I spoke,

"Why would I kill my best friend? The boy that I'm in love with? You should be looking for the serial killer, not wasting Carlos' precious time sitting here, bothering me."

His grip on me lessened slightly, but not by much. His nose scrunched up in disgust when I said that I loved Carlos. This guy obviously wasn't a fan on homosexuals.

"I would never hurt Carlos," I said looking down trying to stop the tears from falling. The hands released me and he went to sit back down, looking through a manila file folder.

"You hurt him that night... it says here on your testimony: 'I punched him in the jaw.' You punch your best friend often kid?" he smirks up at me, flashing me his nasty teeth.

"I. Didn't. Kill. Carlos." James said through gritted teeth. Suddenly the door bangs open and a good-looking man in a sharp suite walks in.

"You've done enough of harassing my client, thank you." The man said walking over to me, looking me up and down before turning towards the cop.

"Actually we haven't bring the family and other boys in," the cop says into his walkie. A few seconds later Logan, Kendall, and Mamma Knight walk into the room. Kendall and Logan immediantly flanking to my side. The cop was being nice all of a sudden, this cop was dirty and I didn't trust him.

"Now that everyone's here, boys do you recognize this?" The cop asks pulling out a clear plastic baggie with a piece of plastic in it.

"Yeah that's Carlos' fake ID. Where did you find that?" I aked excitedly. Logan leans in closer and examines the ID.

"Is that blood?" Logan asks in a shaky voice. Everyone leans in closer and realizes that Carlos' ID had blood drenching just one side.

"We found his ID in a pool of blood in the back alley behind the club. There were small fingerprints on it, and we need to run it through our fingerprint files but it will probably be a match to your friend. I'm sorry," he said.

"No you're not, you don't give two shits about Carlos! You don't care about anything but your paycheck! Just ten minutes ago you had me slammed up against the wall! You just want to put someone away and say, 'problem solved!' Well PROBLEM NOT SOLVED YOU SON OF A BITCH!" I screamed out getting into his face as much as I could.

"You physically assualted my client?" The suite asked, looking clearly perturbed.

"I- well yes but-"

"But nothing," The man strode from the room and it was quiet for a few moments, except for me breathing hard, panting in anger and indignation. Soon the man returned with another well-dressed man and the police chief.

"Sanders, you are being relived of all active duty and you will be on prison detail until further notice, we are also looking into this personally and you will lose your job if you put one more toe out of line. Do you understand me?" The chief said looking directly into his subordinates eyes. A deadly look of anger flashed across his face, and he stared directly at me while answering.

"Yes, sir. I understand perfectly." With that the evil cop left the room and the police chief turned to us.

"I am terribly sorry about that, this is detective Gabriel Caines. He is the detective that will be working your case. He's tough, but fair. He'll look at it objectively, he's the best we have," with that the chief walked out leaving the lawer and Caines in the room with me, Kendall, Logan, and Mamma Knight.

"Alright now that they're both gone, You can call me Gabriel. But, I've reviewed the case of Carlos Garcia and we need to talk about something. James you are no longer under arrest but you are under sucspicion. I'm sorry but I have to look at all sides. But think of it this way, if you are innocent then the evidence will show that."

I nodded in understanding before letting the detective continue.

"Okay, let's pretend for a second that you didn't kill your friend. Then the kid,"

"Carlos! His name is Carlos," Kendall said looking warily at the man.

"Okay, ok! Carlos, fine. _Carlos _may already be in the hands of this guy, if he's not dead already," he trailed off a seriously look in his eyes. Logan's eyes went wide and he burst into tears. Seeing this Kendall moved forward to punch the cop but I grabbed him by his shirt pulling him back. As Kendall started to calm down I turned to man growing,

"You better be going somewhere with this,"

"Okay jeeze! Say he's alive and lives through this. There are some things you can't unsee... What this guy does to little boys-"

"Yeah we saw the pictures... thanks," I snapped.

"Some things you can never unsee. You have to be prepared that IF your friend survives. That he may be physically, emotionally, and mentally broken. Unfixable."

My eyes narrow mennacingly. "He won't break," I spats. I made myself calm down slightly and look the cop straight in the eye, sincerity flowing from my words. From my _everything_.

"Not Carlos."

"And as for being unfixable... I'll fix him. _I'll_ save him," With that I stood up, leaving the room and all negative thoughts behind.

**WITH CARLOS**

I don't know how long I had been down here, my screams had long since died down. It felt like _weeks_ had gone by. I hadn't seen him, not while I was awake. Sometimes there would be a small cup of water sitting out of reach, teasing me. I haven't had any food, I was starving. Literally, I could feel my rips poking through my shirt painfully and my hipbones chaffed agaist my jeans, skin stretching harshly. It was painful, I couldn't feel my back, it had been forever since he had touched me and I could still feel him churning in my stomach, I could still taste him, dancing menacingly on my tongue. I would gag myself often, and I had peed myself a few times, I tried not to, but I was so scared and I couldn't hold it forever. I was so ashamed of myself. But he must have been forcing me to drink water in my sleep since I was peeing. And, the pain from the ropes and not eating made me pass out a lot.

"Just let me die," I whispered to no one.

A door slams open somewhere above me and I twist slightly, from my pained position on the creakey, metal bed. Footsteps echoed through the room and got louder as he got closer. I looked up blearily as a light was shone on my fading body.

"Please, please let me go," I pleaded, small sobs shaking my body as I begged for my release. I don't know whether I meant release from my bonds, or from my life. Either one would have worked though.

I can hear him laughing before a bright light is turned on above a metal medical table in the middle of the room. He walks towards me and leans down, pressing a soft kiss to my sweat-ridden temple, pushing my straggly hair out my eyes. Pressing down on my malnurished body one last time, making me cry out in anguish, he walks towards the table and releases the straps on the table before picking up a knife and walking over to me smiling maliciously. His voice echoing inside my skull, burning me alive, like a death sentance.

"Step 2 Pain."

**P.S. OKAY I'm sorry I've been gone so long but some stuff came up in my life. The next chapter is all gore and all torture. **

**I hope I did a good job, I really hope I did well with Logan, I wanted people to understand Logan more. And I hope I wrote Kendall well. Plus I did most of the chapter in James' POV so let me know if it sucked or was good. **

**Thanks all!**

**MyHeroRaven**


	11. Agony

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush**

**A/N: So this story has been nominated for the best James/Carlos slash story. I am truly honored. This is my first BTR chapter-fic and I started out on this journey just trying to get a message across [that homophobia, no matter who you spin it, is wrong] and in the process I have made friends for life, learned more than I could have ever hoped to learn, and been honored by the fact that you guys like this story and not only this story but you like **_**me**_**. This is truly incredible. Thank you. If you want to vote for your favorite stories and honor your favorite authors go to ComeOnClapYourHands profile and click on the story. Once again, thank you so much. Just the fact that people enjoy my writing and it touches you this much is so special to me. : )**

**Chapter 11 Agony:**

"Step 2: Pain."

Just hearing those words sent waves of terror washing over Carlos' starving body. As if what he had been through already wasn't enough. Hale was going to add to it. He was going to make it worse. Make Carlos hurt worse. Hurt him as badly as he possibly could. Carlos saw him moving to cut away the bindings and started to struggle. He wasn't going to let this monster consume him. Not when he still had people waiting for him to come home. Carlos was going to make it out of this. He was going to see James again.

He had to.

"Hold still you little shit!" Daniel punched Carlos across the face hard and watched as the blood bloomed from his swollen and dried lips. Seeing the boys head thrown to the side from the power of his own fist, made Daniel's skin crawl deliciously. This boy was so beautiful, so _fuckable_. But it wasn't time for that... not yet.

Daniel reached out grabbing the boy's jaw tightly, forcing him to look into his eyes. Defiance shown bright in the chocolate orbs. The kid still had some fight left in him. That was good, Daniel had chosen this boy because he hoped he would last longer than the others. So far, he was.

Digging his immaculate fingernails into the small latino's cheeks he shook the boy hard. As if he was trying to shake all his dirty thoughts away, only not really.

"I'm going to make you hurt so bad Carlitos. You're going to be _begging_ me for death when I'm through with you. You're going to wish I had killed you the day I met you. The other boys got off _easy_ compared to what I'm going to do to you," Daniel smirked running his other hand through Carlos' matted and dirty hair.

"Fuck you!" Carlos growled out before pulling his head back and spitting right in Daniel's face. Daniel untied Carlos before gripping his hair tightly and pulling his head back, biting hard into his throat. He watched as the boy groaned in pain and blood dribbled from his neck.

"You're going to regret that sweetie," Daniel cooed before dragging Carlos by his hair to the medical table, the latino kicking and screaming the whole way. He didn't want to be restrained to that table, he had seen the pictures of the dead boys, of what was about to happen to him. Wincing Carlos cried out as his head collided harshly with the metal table, stars bursting into his vision.

The pain took him to a place that he did not want to go. He imagined his friends finding his body, blood drenched and matted to his hair. Bruises littering his body, even deeper wounds that one could not see with the naked eyes. Becoming a statistic, becoming just another picture pinned to a board in a police station. His funeral, seeing his friends cry.

_'Like they would cry over someone as pathetic as you.'_

The voice was back. The one that had egged him on all along to catch Hale. The one that told him just a little more, just a little more, _just a little more._ The one that got him into this mess.

_'I didn't get you into ANYTHING. You got yourself into this. You fought with your friends. You lied-'_

'You told me too!' Carlos thought.

_'But you didn't have to listen... if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you? Nah you'd jump off the bridge cause you have no friends. Because you want to die. No one cares about you. Least of all James...'_

Tears pooled in Carlos' eyes but he brushed it off as the pain from his head colliding with the table. He felt himself being pulled up into a sitting positing, both hands held by his wrists by Daniel. He felt like a kid in a fucked up doctor's office. If he ever made it out of here alive he would never make fun of James for not liking shots or Katie for being scared of going to the doctors. Feeling his legs being pushed open wide he felt Daniel slid in between. Carlos started to kick but Daniel held firm. Pulling his head back Carlos brought it colliding with Daniel's as hard as he could. The man's hold loosened and he stumbled back. Carlos went to rip his arms free but befoe he could he felt a stern blow to the side of his head, disorienting him for just a few moments. But a few moments was all Hale needed.

Moving quickly he shoved the small boy down onto the table and spread the boys arms out and restrained them with the straps, before moving down to his ankles to do the same. He was spread-eagle, and Carlos felt very vulnerable. He shook his head and felt blood flow into his eyes from his head wound.

"See if you were a good boy I wouldn't have to keep hitting you in the head. But maybe you're a masochist. Maybe you like it. Is that it baby? You like being handled roughly? Violently?" Daniel asked softly stroking Carlos' cheek.

Jerking his head away he glared at the monster before him. He wasn't going to give into this madman. He wasn't going to be weak.

"Do you know why I haven't fed you?" Daniel asked pulling up a chair and taking a seat, staring at the bound boy. Carlos said nothing, choosing rather to stare at the dirty ceiling than to play along with this asshole's mind games.

"I haven't fed you because gay people don't deserve to eat."

This made Carlos turn to look at the man before him, the man that lied to him, beat him, and raped his mouth. The man that was going to do so much more and he felt fear, shame, and disgust well up inside his stomach.

"What?" Carlos asked, his voice shaking with disbelief.

"Yeah, you see I'm starving you, so that when I feed you, you'll throw up. I'm going to do whatever I can to wreck that pretty little body of yours, and it _is_ true: you don't deserve to eat. Fags don't deserve to eat. You know what people like you deserve Carlitos?" Daniel whispered, leaning in closer to the tied-up boy.

"No, how about you _educate_ me." Carlos spat viciously.

"You deserve to be six-feet-under." the shiver that ran up Carlos' spin was earth-shattering. He still couldn't wrap his head around the fact that the man in front of him was going to kill him. He couldn't wrap his head around the thought that he was going to be murdered, and there wasn't a thing he could do to stop it.

"Well... let's get to work." Daniel said clapping his hands together and rubbing them good-naturedly. Carlos pulled at his restraints, hoping with dimmed faith that they might come lose. They didn't.

"Usually I just torture the boys I bring here, usually I cut them, and slap them around a bit before killing them. But you're _special_ Carlos. You're my good little baby. So this is going to be slow and fun. Feel free, at any point, to scream. I love your screams," Daniel breathed hotly onto the juncture where his neck and shoulder meet. Carlos whimpered in fear, trying desperately to pull away from Daniel. But Carlos had a feeling that no matter however far he got from the man he would always be there, crawling under his skin. Spreading like poison through his brain.

Daniel moved away and turned his back from the shaking boy moving a few instruments onto the table beside Carlos' body. He couldn't tell what the objects were, except one looking like a long rod with a point at the end of it, about two inches long and very thin. There was a bottle of rubbing alcohol next to the stuff.

All of a sudden a flash of silver moved before Carlos' eyes and he realized in horror that it was a knife. Closing his eyes and preparing himself for the inevitable blow he sucked in a deep breath, flinched, and waited. And waited, but nothing happened. Opening his eyes he saw that Daniel was cutting away at his clothing.

"From here on out, you will be stripped bare, you won't wear anything. This is a party after all... so it's only fitting that you be in your birthday suite hunni," Daniel said while removing his shirt and all jewellery. Sawing roughly at the denim he finally pulled the boy's jeans from his trembling body, running his hands alone smooth, tan thighs.

"Please, no-"

"Shhh... it's okay. Don't worry, daddy's here baby. You'll be alright," Daniel cooed gently, long, muscular fingers tip-toeing up his flesh to rest on his dick through is boxers. Carlos sucked in a harsh breath and squeezed his eyes shut tightly.

'Make it go away, god, please! Make it stop,' he thought as warm salty tears dribbled out of the corner of his eyes. The hand on his penis retracted and he knew the man was cutting away his underwear. The shame and humiliation was almost too much to bare for Carlos as he started to flicker in between conscious and unconsciousness. He couldn't take being spread out and naked while this man looked.

"Oh god, so hot Carlos. You're so fucking beautiful, Jesus," Daniel breathed, trailing his hands over Carlos' toned stomach, privates, and lean thighs. Sighing and moaning coming from the older man. Carlos dry heaved a few times at the feeling of Daniel touching him. And then he was screaming, screaming so loudly it was sure to tear his insides to shreds, sure to make his throat bleed, sure to kill him.

But no, that was _Daniel's_ job.

"Alright Carlos, do you know what this is?" Daniel asked smacking the boy in the face a few times, to gain the boy's attention, and holding up the metal pole Carlos had seen earlier. Daniel got no response but continued anyway.

"It's a piercing needle. I'm going to pierce your belly button. Why? Because it'll look cute. And I like my boys looking cute. Especially boys as beautiful as you," Daniel said and then laid a soft kiss to Carlos' forehead. Pulling away he prepared the area around Carlos' navel. The boy sucked in his stomach the second he felt the man touching him there. As if he could suck in enough to sink away from the monster before him. To sink away from everything.

"Just relax and breathe deep, this won't hurt. At least, not compared to what's going to come after sweetheart," Daniel said while grabbing a pair of clamps and tightening them around the skin. When he had the clamps in the right positioning he lined the needle up and speared the flesh quickly. Carlos didn't even flinch, he was too disgusted with the idea of a piercing. Of a piece of jewellery applied by this monster. The hands on Carlos' stomach were removed and he looked down at his once pure belly. A small diamond belly button ring had been secured and the area was a little red. But it didn't hurt. It was like he was teasing with Carlos, going through the motions before the real agony began.

And was it ever _agony_.

Daniel moved to the restraints and undid them. Carlos was shocked, but he didn't even have a chance to hope that he was going to be set free. It would have been a fool's hope anyways.

Carlos was dragged away from the table and restrained face first against the wall, where he was originally when he first woke up in this nightmare. Feeling Daniel's hands caress his back shoulders and move down his back to his ass had him bucking wildly. Trying to get the hands away from a dangerous area. A light chucking could be heard near Carlos' ear.

"Don't worry... it's not time for _that_ yet." Carlos let out a dry sob, waiting for the inevitable was horrible, he knew it was going to happen but waiting for it was pure agony.

"I'm going to whip you, mark that beautiful caramel skin till it's dripping with blood. But, it's a game. The more you beg, the less severe this will be, and the more you beg the quicker this will go." Daniel said smacking the whip a few times in his hand before bringing it down hard into the flesh.

He saw the boy jerk spasmodically, grunting at the pain.

"Beg."

"No fucking way bastard!" Carlos screamed.

The whip bit into his skin even harder drawling a long line of crimson liquid in it's wake.

"Beg."

"No!" Carlos cried out. The whip was imbedded into his flesh ten more times. Small, quick strokes.

"Beg." Carlos refused again and this went on for quite a while before Daniel started to get pissed.

"BEG BITCH!" Daniel screamed lacing the whip into a bleeding wound making Carlos cry out in agony and hang his head. He could hear the boy laughing quietly. As if the boy had lost his mind.

"Language Daniel," Carlos mocked, remembering the words the older man had said to him when he forced Carlos to suck his goddamn cock.

Daniel saw red.

THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!

"You. Don't. Fucking. Talk. To. Me. Like. That. Boy! .!" Daniel screamed, the break between each word brought with a vicious strike to the helpless boy. Carlos wondered briefly if baiting the monster was worth it.

It was.

But his resolve was slowly breaking as he started to sob, the pain of the leather digging into already deep wounds was overwhelming. Carlos had felt pain before, but he was on the verge of passing out and he didn't know if he could take anymore.

_'Already about to pass out... how fucking sad.' _the voice said, mocking Carlos. He turned towards the voice and froze. He was staring at James, _his_ James. But it wasn't James at the same time. Carlos doesn't realize it, but his mind is going down the drain with his dignity and pride. Swirling to mix with the blood from his back, his life was slowly fading away.

"James?" Carlos asked confused. The pretty boy just smiled and nodded at Carlos, his smile breath-taking.

Carlos screamed, looking away from the imaginary James, as he felt fingernails dragging through the wounds in his back, his hair is yanked back painfully and Daniel's whispering into his ear, hand wrapped around his waist fingering the belly button ring.

"Say that name one more time, and I'll rip this ring from your flesh. That name, that _boy_ doesn't exist here. Do I make myself clear baby?"

Carlos nodded, groaning in pain and fear.

_'Yeah Carlos, don't say my name. You're not worthy to say my name. You're fucking pathetic.'_

Carlos felt fat hot tears falling from his eyes and soon Daniel was kissing them away, licking at his face.

"Let's move on shall we Carlos?" Daniel asked, untying the weak boy. Carlos fell to the flow in a heap, crying out in pain as his decimated back hit the cold floor. His warm wounds stinging as blood smeared the floor of the dirty basement.

"Come on Carlos there's so much more to do!" Daniel said brightly smiling as he started to carry the boy over to the table.

"No, no, por favor, no más. Me duele, me duele dios. Por favor-" Carlos was sobbing at this point, crying hard. He couldn't do this... this pain. It was excruciating.

"Sorry baby, I don't speak spic. This is American, you wanna say something, say it in English." Daniel said to the crying boy as he laid him on the cold table. Carlos cried out in searing pain as his hands are handcuffed and tied above him to the table. The position is different than before. Instead of tying his ankles to the table Daniel wraps more tape around them and leaves the bottom half of his body bound, but not restricted to the table. Only Carlos' hands are attached to the table. Daniel leans down and lays a kiss to the bleeding boys, bruised and swollen mouth.

"You are so beautiful Carlos, I love you. That's why I have to do this," Daniel said while rolling Carlos onto his side so he's facing away from Daniel.

_'Yeah Carlos I love you! Yeah right! Why would I ever love someone as ugly and dirty as you? You're so fat, and terrible and your own friends don't even want you. They're not looking for you... did you know that? They don't even care that you're gone. __**I**__ don't even care that you're gone.'_ the James said smiling cruelly. Carlos started to sob again, staring at James. He knew it was true, he knew he was fat. His ribs showing, and shoulders, and hip bones poking from his skin was all just an illusion. In reality he was morbidly obese, so fat he couldn't move. That's why he let Daniel do this to him. He secretly wanted it, right? Isn't that what Daniel said? Carlos shut his eyes trying to block out the thoughts streaming in like sunlight through a clean window.

This was all his fault. He was ugly and fat, and horrible and James would never _ever _love him.

Crying softly he felt rough hands running over the abrasions and cuts on his back, he had no idea just how much worse things were going to get.

Daniel moved to stand in front of Carlos and held out a large hammer, showing it to the shaking boy.

"I'm sure you know what this is Carlos, but what were going to do with it is going to be such a treat for you. I'm going to use it to break your ribs, every single one. But we're going to take this very slowly, that way I don't miss a thing, that way I don't miss your screams.

Carlos started to struggle widely, yanking, pulling, screaming as loudly as he could. This was sick, it was going to kill him.

_'That's the point.'_

"Shhh, shhh, baby it's okay, it's going to hurt but that's why I'm doing this. You need to hurt, you need to suffer. Come on let's do this," Daniel walked around so that he was behind Carlos again and ran his rough hands from Carlos' bound ankles up his calves and thighs, over the curve of his ass before gently sliding up the side of his stomach and stopping where his ribs were protruding obscenely.

Carlos felt the hammer touch his skin and he jerked like a rag doll. He was punched in the face and Daniel told him to 'be still.' Carlos cried waiting for the pain that was to come. And it did.

It was a small pressure at first but then Daniel started to apply more and more pressure, Carlos fists clenched and he groaned as he felt the first rib start to crack, it was very slow and painful. Soon he heard a muffled crack as he felt the rib break. Carlos screamed out pulling at his restraints, tear-streaked face turning red from the pain and the strain.

"One down," And it continued. The small amount of pressure building, until Daniel had broken all the ribs on Carlos left side. At this point the boy was sobbing, snot and tears running grotesquely from his face. Sticking and mingling with the sweat. Carlos was panting from the pain, trying hard not to pass out, it would've been degrading.

"Look at those bruises, god they bloomed like a fucking flower. Your whole side is black and blue baby, you did so well. The first boy I did this to passed out. Good job baby I'm so proud of you," And he meant it, Daniel had never been or sounded so sincere in his whole entire life.

'It's over,' Carlos thought breathing a sigh of relief as he felt Daniel move his bangs from his sweaty forehead.

"Okay baby we gotta do the other side now roll over," Daniel said and Carlos heaved until he threw up stomach acid, rolling onto his side so the vomit hit the cement floor, the burning in his throat not enough to alleviate the pain from his side. The agony was just too much.

"No, no, no, no please, no more, no more, PLEASE! I'll be good, I'll be good! I promise, please no-" Carlos begged. Daniel moaned and started to stroke his cock through is pants. The kids cries and begging making him hard as a fucking rock.

"God baby, that's so hot. But I'm sorry, I have to, roll over 'Los. It's all about the symmetry all about balance. It's why you have to die, I'm good, you are evil. If I kill you, all is right with the world again. Do you understand sweetheart? Come on let's do this." Daniel said while rolling the boy over so that he could see his face while he did the right side. It was truly a beautiful site. The dried blood from his lips being split open, his shoulder blades poking through the skin, tears and snot running down the hot latino's face. His eyes were shinning hot white fear. It was enough to make Daniel almost blow his load. Just by looking that the kid. This boy was definitely special.

"I want to go home! Please I want to go home," Carlos sobbed, heart-breakingly beautiful.

"But baby... you _are_ home." Daniel said smiling brightly.

Carlos had the strong urge to cry out for his mommy, but his mommy was dead, so he did the next best thing.

"I-I want m-my Jamie," the boy's entire body shook with his sobs and cries, it was so sexy.

Carlos, through is tears and despair, felt Daniel pulling on the ring in his belly, remembering how he wasn't supposed to say that name because Daniel would rip the piercing out. Hot breath flooded Carlos' check as Daniel spoke, still fingering the jewellery.

"The only reason this hasn't been ripped from your flesh... is because you look so goddamn cute with it in."

Carlos sobbed even harder, he was at the hands of a sick, sick monster. The voice in his head had turned into a crueller version of the boy he loved and he was in excruciating pain.

"I want you to look at me while I do this," Daniel said stroking the crying boy's face. Carlos shook his head, closing his eyes while he tried to bury his face in the table, from shame. He could see that Daniel was touching himself, and it made him sick.

"Please look at me Carlos?" Daniel asked stroking his face. Carlos was out of his mind now, not able to comprehend anything just hearing the command and obeying. His eyes opened and he stared into the soulless ones before him.

"Good boy," Daniel leaned in and pecked Carlos on the lips, tasting iron from the blood. Licking his lips he applied the hammer and began. Pressing against the poking ribs, adding pressure and pressure until it snapped. Carlos made a sick sound like a burb his body jumping; it was obvious by his glazed over, unfocused eyes that the boy was in shock. But he still stared at Daniel, watched him the whole time.

One by one his ribs broke and as his mind started to check out he heard a soft whispering in his ear.

_'You really are alone. I'm just like him Carlos I love to see you suffer, and I'll be here, watching you suffer until you're dead.'_ Carlos heaved at hearing James' words.

"There all done baby! You didn't pass out once, that's so amazing, great job. You did really well Carlos," Daniel said appraisingly. He heard the small boy mumble something, blood pouring through his mouth, eyes trying the hardest to focus. They finally did and he mumbled something to Daniel again.

"Hold on, let's get that blood out of your mouth and then you talk," Daniel walked away and came back with a white handkerchief. He opened the boy's mouth and dipped the cloth in and soaked up as much blood as he could, before withdrawing. A little bit of drool fell from the 15-year-old's lips.

"Now what were you saying?"

Carlos' eyes focused on Daniel's, eyes red-rimmed almost pleading.

"Kill me." It was a whisper, but Daniel heard it. Just hearing those words from the boy made him smile.

"Please.. please just _kill me._" Carlos begged. Daniel leaned in and brushed his lips against the shivering boy's ear.

"Not yet."

"No, we still have more things to do. Now, roll over onto your back baby," Carlos did, looking up into the light that hung above his head. Daniel undid the tape on the boy's ankles and bound them to the table, spread eagle once again. He did the same with this wrists and pulled out a scalpel.

"I'm going to make you my most breath-taking masterpiece," Daniel said before lowering the knife into Carlos' chest. Carlos didn't move, his eyes were glazing over again, he was trying to force his mind to go to a different place. But it wasn't working.

He felt the knife drag across his skin, and he knew that Daniel was carving something into him.

"You told me the last thing you said to your _beloved_ was that you called him worthless. Well now that word will forever be carved into your flesh." Carlos looked down and sure enough the word was branded into his upper chest, blood flowing down to pool in his navel. Daniel reached down and began to rub his belly, smearing the blood around, thinning it out.

"I chose that word for the irony of what you said to the boy that you professed to _love_. And because, when I'm done with you, you will be worthless. When I'm done with you, you're going to be a beautiful mess and no one's going to even be able to recognize you."

_'Yeah, how do you like being called worthless Carlitos? It's not fun is it. God, he really did a number on you. It's beautiful, your naked fat body laid out like Jesus. Blood dripping down your chest and your sides black as the night, your back is destroyed, it'll never heal over.'_

"So beautiful, you look so delicious right now baby."

Daniel leaned down, watching the boy shiver violently, lips turning blue, and whispered into Carlos' ear,

"Now no one's going to love you, you know that. You know that no one's coming for you. You know that your 'friends' don't give two fucking shits about a worthless little boy like you. No one's coming for you, especially not _him_." With that the light above Carlos went off and he was left alone in the basement. Well, not completely alone...

_'Yeah Carlos... I'm not looking for you. And I'm not coming.'_

**P.S. Okay so the voice in Carlos's head has become a fake James. SO yeah... well see what happens with that. I really hope I did this well, I'm not good at writing torture. **

**MyHeroRaven**


	12. My Baby's Going Down

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush**

**Chapter 12 My Baby's Going Down:**

The days grew longer, and soon a month had passed and still no sign of Carlos. No sign that the boy James loved had ever existed. No sign of hope. But James wasn't giving up. He would never give up, not until Carlos was either rescued or the dead body of his love was laid before his eyes.

James would never give up on Carlos, because he loved him. He didn't want to give up on the one person he loved more than anything. James wasn't a quitter and neither was Carlos.

But just because James hadn't given up didn't mean the others hadn't.

Kendall was still talking to himself and he refused to be anywhere near Logan. That baffled James because he _knew_ they were together, and yet Kendall refused being comforted by Logan. He stopped sleeping in Logan's room and moved to the couch. Kendall would only talk to James, and the discussions the two boys shared usually just ended in a fight.

Logan was the worst; not eating caused the boy's weight to drop dangerously. He had already been put in the hospital twice. After the second time Kendall officially moved to the couch. James could hear Logan whimpering in his sleep. Logan and Carlos had shared a special bond, all throughout their school years Logan would always help Carlos with School and Carlos would help Logan with hockey. It was how the two bonded, and now that Carlos was gone, Logan's mind was fading.

Russell's signs had already started to show on Logan's knuckles. It was the act of shoving his hands down his throat to induce vomiting. He couldn't walk around in a t-shirt anymore, he was always cold. Constantly shivering and shaking. Logan thinks he's doing this for Carlos, but he's really destroying his body. Starving himself wasn't going to save Carlos. Kendall sleeping on the couch and mumbling wasn't going to save Carlos.

The boys were a team, a well-organized machine. If just a single part is missing then the machine can still move, still function but if parts were damaged then the machine can't work properly. Carlos was already a piece missing. And the other three were damaged.

The machine was going to die.

The boys were going to die if someone didn't kick some sense into them. And that's exactly what James did.

A talk with all the boys was long in the making, and James wasn't going to wait around any longer and watch his friends fall apart, watch his friends lose themselves. So it was a rainy thursday afternoon when James found Kendall muttering on the couch. Grabbing the other boy James hauled him into his room before locking the door and standing in front of it. He watched as Kendall's face changed from shock to confusion to anger.

"What are you doing James?" Kendall asked furiously trying to make his way past James, away from the massively obese elephant in the room.

"What am I doing? What am I doing? I don't know Kendall, but what I'm NOT doing is moping around. What I'm NOT doing is going crazy and talking to myself like some demented patient that escaped from a pysch ward. What I am _not_ doing is avoiding the boy I'm in love with that's _dying_ in the other room. So now that we've established what I'M not doing, let's focus on you, okay buddy?" James tone was cruel and condescending. He was sick of this shit. Kendall was supposed to be a leader, but James couldn't see a leader all he saw was a coward. A dirty, no good coward.

"I'm not doing any of those things, I didn't quit! I didn't walk away! I don't want to even be in this fucking mess! It's not my fault that Carlos is gone. It's not my fault that Logan won't eat and that he won't look at me! It's not my fault-" Kendall stopped ranting and reached his hands up and started to pull at his hair, blonde strands coming loose and falling to the carpeted floor. Frustration and anger clear as day in his deep green eyes. James' eyes grew soft and he moved towards Kendall gripping his wrists in his hands pulling away the long digits, holding them up and bringing Kendall close, so close their noses were touching.

"No, it's not your fault that Carlos is gone. It's mine. But you don't have to hide from us, you're our leader. And you can still help Logan. I don't know if anyone can help Carlos but that's my job anyways. It's your job to protect your boyfriend, to protect Logan. Please Kendall, I can't do this by myself, I need the old you back. Logie needs you." Kendall's breathing got labored and his eyes became wide and blown dark with realization.

"You're right. Things aren't the same in my head, but I'm going to try and step up. James you shouldn't have to be strong for all of us. We need each other, to lean on and support. None of us should be alone. Carlos, wherever he is, isn't even alone. He's in our hearts and I know we're in his. I love him, and Logan loves him, and you love him James. We can do this," Kendall said pulling away from James and moving towards the bedroom door.

"Where are you going?" James asked tears running down his tan cheeks.

"I'm going to save my baby," Kendall said smirking. James smiled, a genuine smile, the first one in a long time as he followed Kendall out of the room and into Logan's.

**With Logan**

I'm a masochist. I'm a goddamn masochist.

I was currently throwing up the pancakes Mamma Knight had shoved down my throat. I couldn't take the food. I couldn't take one more morsel being passed through my chapped, split lips. I could see my knuckles turning white, my grip on the toilet making my arms shake. I knew without looking that my face was pale, and that my cheeks were hollowed. I knew that there wasn't much left of me.

And I didn't even care. I stopped caring the night Carlos walked out of our lives. It didn't matter anymore and then soon after my second trip to the hospital Kendall walked away from me. So he didn't care. And if he didn't care, and James didn't care... then I didn't care.

No one cared about anyone. Not anymore, not since that boy was kidnapped. Not since Carlos was taken.

I can't even think straight. The tears had long since dried up, my eyes were sunken and red. I haven't been able to sleep in weeks. But it's okay, I don't deserve sleep. I'm a horrible person.

I should have known that Carlos wasn't doing what he said he was doing. I should have known that he was hunting down that monster. I should have paid more attention to my best friend. But I didn't and now he's god knows where or dead. Dead little boy.

God! My head's so screwed up, like it's not even on right. Everything is logic this and logic that. But fuck logic, it doesn't exist in a world where Carlos running around tapping his trusty helmet twice doesn't exist. Without Carlos... there's nothing. There is no _us._

No hockey-playing best friends from Minnesota. There's only darkness, and a world without logic, and logic is the only thing I know. Except Kendall.

I _know_ Kendall. _Knew _Kendall.

But I didn't anymore. Kendall wasn't right. Nothing was right.

I made my way to our room, scratch that, MY room. Kendall moved out. Kendall gave up. I never gave up, I would never give up on anything. But I think I might give up soon. There's not much left for me anymore. Great, now I'm a hypocrite. I'm a walking contradiction, at least I can admit. I can die honestly. Even if it's backwards.

I pulled on a pair of sweatpants over my boxers, everything hung so loose on me now. I must be shrinking, time must be in reverse. I pulled on my Saosin shirt and a long sleeve sweater over it. I rummaged around for a few minutes until I found my old hockey sweat-shirt. The North Stars, best hockey team ever. Not that it mattered anymore.

I sat on my bed, bringing my knees up to my chin and holding myself, a large wool comforter wrapped around my bones. Because that's all I am now, bones.

But I like it that way. I like barely existing, being so sick and so thin that a small breeze could just knock me out, kill me. Dead, just like Carlos probably was.

NO! HE'S ALIVE! HE'S NOT DEAD! HE CAN'T BE DEAD! HE FUCKING CAN'T! Because if Carlos is dead, then I'm dead. Then Kendall's dead. Then James is dead. Then we never existed. Nothing's fucking real. It's like dreaming is real life and real life is a dream. At least I can wake up from my nightmares. But I can't wake up from reality. I'm stuck on this fucked up merry-go-round repeating, repeating, repeating. Until we all fall down dead.

I never used to be so cynical. Yeah sarcastic, always sarcastic. But I had hope. But all the hope I held disappeared the second Kendall moved to the couch. Because, now I'm alone. I hate being alone. Carlos isn't alone, he's with the bogeyman. The bad man. I know it, fuck I can _feel_ it. I'd rather be alone.

My thoughts got darker until I felt like screaming, I bit my lip so hard that blood and bruises bloomed on my mouth.

The door to my room banged open so hard is slammed into the wall, leaving a large dent. I didn't even flinch.

"Logan," I looked up into green eyes, I remember those eyes.

I didn't respond. I was in my own world.

"Shit look at his lips," pretty boy muttered. I heard the sink from the bathroom running and I felt the bed sink with the weight of the two boys. One on either side of me.

"Logie we need to talk, but first let James fix your mouth okay?" I didn't respond. Didn't want to. Didn't see the _logic_ in responding. I laughed out loud, a chocked, mocking, _hollow_ sound.

The other boys in the room looked at each other in fear. They think I've gone mad. Maybe I have. But what is madness but a-

"Logan look at me," James said gently nudging his large hands under my chin pushing it up towards him. Making me look at him. I was looking, but I couldn't see him.

I couldn't see anything anymore.

I felt the washcloth wipe across my lips, it hurt but I didn't care. I could see James' hazel eyes, staring at me intently. I couldn't see _him_ though. I saw his eyes and his nose and lips, but I couldn't see _him_.

Do you know what I mean? No? Huh... I don't even know what I mean. God.

As soon as my lips were cleaned James moved away and sat in the chair by the desk and Kendall moved to sit in front of my, taking James' place.

"Logan, you need to stop," Kendall said.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said looking down at my spider-like fingers. There were scars on my knuckles, bruises. It was sorta beautiful against my pale, almost transparent skin.

"Yes you do, Logan you need to stop. This pity party needs to end!" Kendall said furiously. Grabbing onto my shoulders and shaking. I looked at James, he wasn't moving, just watching. I wish I could see what he sees.

"Pity party? That's not what's happening, and even if it was you wouldn't understand. You just wouldn't understand," I said moving to stand up, turning my back on him. Turning my back on my lover.

"LOGAN!" Kendall screamed as he grabbed me from behind, hands gripping the warm fabric of my sweat shirt. He twisted me around and shoved me to the floor, pushing, digging his knees into my sides and effectively pinning me to the ground. I looked up at him, fear and water in my eyes. Kendall growled, tears falling from his eyes as he started to yank the sweat shirt up and over my head, before tossing it aside. I thrashed like a wild animal. He couldn't see my flesh, he couldn't see the creature I had become, the skeletal being that had taken over. He couldn't see my flesh and bones. It would make him sick, he would _hate_ me.

"NO! LET GO! KENDALL! FUCKING LET GO!" I screamed trying to pull my body out from under my boyfriends. But I wasn't at full strength, I was weak from the purging, from the empty, shallow pit that was my belly.

Kendall made quick work of both my shirts and started to pull down my sweat pants. I was crying hard, sobbing at this point. Crying out for help, for James to stop Kendall, for anyone to save me from him. From myself. Finally Kendall got up and backed away, looking at me. I cried out like a wounded animal and pressed myself up into the corner of my room. My twig arms wrapping around myself like a twisted, dead, tree standing broken in the coldest of winters. I was shaking, from fear and from the cold. I was always cold nowadays.

Kendall looked at me in shock, as if he knew how bad I was but seeing it was something completely different. It's like you hear about people committing suicide. But it's one thing to hear about it on the news and it's another to wake up and walk into your big brother's room to find him hanging grotesquely from his ceiling, swaying gently, sickeningly.

"Logan what happened to you? Why did you let yourself get this sick?" Kendall asked, James now at his side staring at me too. I know what they saw, I wasn't anorexic because I thought I was fat, I was anorexic because I wanted to be. It was different. I could at least admit what was wrong with me.

I saw them looking at my feet, thin, skeletal, toes curled into the pads of my feet in nervousness. Moving up to my ankles, bones protruding obscenely, calves long and narrow. Moving past my knees, knobbed and hard up my thighs. My thighs had always been thin but the space between them was larger now, wider. The boxers I wore fell slipped down falling around my ankles and I heard Kendall gasp. I went to cover my member in shame. It wasn't shame from my _actual_ penis but shame that my clothing wouldn't, _couldn't_ stay on my body any longer. One skinny hand covered my privates while the other stayed, wrapped, firmly around my weak fragile body. Kendall reached out but stopped himself, as if he was afraid that one touch would shatter me.

And it probably would.

James' eyes roamed my pointy hip bones, standing out stark and sharp from my body, up, up, up higher to my ribs. You could count everyone and you could see the spaces in between them. My collarbone was austerely small and easily spotted. Shoulders, pointing outwards. All my bones pointed outwards... and my skin sunk in, as if I, myself was trying to escape my own body.

Maybe I was.

A sob escaped my broken lips as I saw the looks my best friends were giving me, my body. The looks my _boyfriend_ was giving me. It was enough to _ruin_ me. I turned away and heard a loud gasp. My spine was clear as day, poking, and dominant on my back, leading up to my long dark hair. I hadn't cut it in a while and it was messy and past my ears.

"Logie, turn around please. Just turn around baby." I did. Moving my hands to my side, standing in all my damaged glory before my friend and lover. My voice is dead as I speak.

"Is this what you want, To see me at my worst, oh poor broken Logie. Can't even take care of himself. Poor baby. I can fucking take care of myself Kendall," I spat, whole body shaking. Was this anger? Was I angry? No... I was mad.

"I can see that, you took care of yourself so well, I can't even tell if you still exist," Kendall said.

"What business is it of yours? Why don't you go back to crying and talking to yourself, because, believe me, that voice in your head is way nicer than I'll ever be," I was being cruel. But he fucking deserved it. We all did.

"It's my fucking business when my boyfriend is wasting away, starving to death. Logan I don't want you to die, please let us help you," Kendall pleaded.

"No one can help me," I laugh bitterly.

"Logan, please you're sick. You need to eat. Carlos wouldn't want you to hurt yourself like this," James started. I slashed my arm through the air in vicious rage.

"Carlos is dead. He's not fucking coming back! Don't you get it? He's dead!" I screamed. James' jaw dropped open in horror and shock.

"Logie how could you give up on your best friend?" James asked not understanding.

"Because logically he has to be! It's been a fucking month! We're going to find his rotting corpse in a ditch in 6 months and you're going to regret having wasted your time looking for him! So why don't you just forget about him! He's not coming back James! YOU'RE JUST PISSED BECAUSE YOU WAITED TO DAMN LONG TO TELL HIM THAT YOU LOVED HIM AND NOW IT'S TOO LATE!" I shrieked hands clenched into tight fists. James' face was a mixture of tragic sadness and passionate, red-hot anger.

"You don't believe that, you don't really believe he's dead." Kendall said.

"Don't tell me what I fucking believe Knight!" I was getting more and more upset. Didn't they get it! There was nothing left. He was fucking gone. Everything was gone.

"Nothing fucking matters anymore." I said.

"But Logie... what about me?" Kendall whispered eyes tearing, nose flaring. I had never heard someone sound so lost, so sad.

"What about you?" I was cold, not just physically anymore but emotionally.

"Logan what you're doing... it's going to _kill_ you." James said stepping forward and pushing his feelings aside.

"Maybe I want it too."

"Logan! Can't you see how much we love you?" Kendall screamed, tears flying off of his face as James grabbed his arm trying desperately to calm the hysteric boy.

"I can't see anything! I can't see the point, I can't see why we're still looking for a boy that's dead. I can't see the purpose in moving on when one of us will never move again. I can't even see my own goddamn boyfriend even though I know he's right in front of me. I can't see fucking _anything_ anymore."

"I can only see one thing Logie, do you know what that is? Hmmm?" Kendall said calming enough that James deemed it safe to release his arm.

I stayed silent looking right through him. He wasn't even really there, none of this was real. It was all a part of my fucked up imagination. God my head hurt.

"All I can see is that my baby's going down."

I looked harder, eyes squinting. If I concentrated hard enough I could make out the blurry outline of my boyfriend.

"Kendall?" I whispered, my hands outstretched, reaching for my love.

"I'm right here baby, I'm right here," Kendall's hands reached out as well, but stayed just out of my reach. He wanted me to come to him; he wanted me to _see_ him. To really, _really see _him.

"Come on Logie, please just, just _see_ me." Kendall pleaded. I closed my eyes and counted to ten. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. My eyes opened and there he was.

_My_ Kendall.

"Kenny," my eyes watered until they overflowed, massive sobs rocking my entire body as my hands reached passed his to wrap around his neck tightly, I could feel his strong arms wrap around my malnourished waist. His forearms rubbing against my tight skin.

"Kenny I was so lost, I couldn't see anything. I couldn't see you. I'm sorry, god I'm so sorry!" I sobbed into his chest. His grip on my tightened and I felt James' arms encircle both me and Kendall.

"Oh James I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to say those things. I don't know what I was thinking. I was trapped and my mind wouldn't let me out. Please forgive me? Please James?" I cried.

"Shhh Logan, there's nothing to forgive." James said releasing his hold. Kendall pulled my body into his harder to keep my modesty.

"How about we get you some clothes baby, okay?" I laughed a little through my tears.

"Yeah, that'd be nice." Kendall smiled.

"Guys, what do we do now? Now that we're _back_? We need to help Carlos." James said, still looking a little lost.

"And we will, but first, I don't know about you guys but I'm fucking starving." I said smirking towards my boyfriend and best friend. My _family. _Huge smiles bloomed across both of their faces and I knew that we would get through this.

We would make it through this, for you, Carlos.

_For you._

**P.S. OK so I really hope I got across Logan's emotions and how messed up he was in his head. I hope I did this chapter justice because it scared the crap out of me writing from Logan's POV. And I feel like I took away from Carlos by doing that, but my heart told me it was the right thing to do, writing Logan, writing his thoughts. So I followed my heart and soul, and I just hope I did it right. **

**MyHeroRaven**


	13. A Dead Little Boy

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush**

**Warnings: Brutal rape, abuse and dirty language. **

**A.N. I worked really hard on this to make it as realistic as possible, but I just want you to know that it's rough, really rough. That's all I'm going to say. Thank you to all of you that have stuck by me for this long. **

**Dedication: This is dedicated to the guy that went through as much as I did. This is for you. Closure is all we really need. **

**Chapter 13 A Dead Little Boy:**

**With Daniel**

It was almost time. The little bitch needed to die. I'd kept him alive for too long. It was going on two months and I _still_ hadn't fucked the kid senseless. I still hadn't fucking killed him.

Why?

_'Because he's special Daniel. He's special to you.'_

No he's just another stupid fag. Another fag that needs to die. He's another, another dirty boy. He sucked, licked, and swallowed my dick. And he fucking loved every damn second of it.

_'He's gay. Of course he loved it.'_

I just need to get this kid off my mind. I need to fuck him, but at the same time fuck _with_ him. I need to make him feel me. Maybe if I was gentle-

_'You are not gay! You are not seducing this boy! I am here, within you so you can kill these boys, not make them your fucking boy toy. You know why you're here. I made you to kill! Not to play not to fuck around. So now, it's time to get your shit together and take care of the nasty, dirty boy in your basement.'_

I winced, I didn't like being scolded like a little boy, not like how I'm going to scold Carlos.

"It's time."

**With Carlos**

The drip drip drip from the faucet was driving me insane. Maybe I was already insane. But no matter what he did to me I would never be as insane as he was. He was mad. Just so mad.

The goddamn faucet was annoying. It was making the pain in my skull ten times worse. My back was shredded, if I moved at all I could feel the loose skin moving, grinding up against another pieces of flesh. It was horrible.

But nothing compared to the pain on my sides. My ribs were wrecked. It is agonizing. I can't even describe it and I don't even want to.

I was done. I was past horrified. I was past scared. There was nothing left. He was right: no one was coming for me. And the worst part is, that I know he's gonna hurt me worst. I know he's going to kill me, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

I look up, my eyes dull and fuzzy and see James standing before me.

_'Look at you. Pathetic. But at least you realize you're place in this world. No one cares about you, and you're finally understanding that. Good boy Carlos. Good boy.'_

**With Daniel & Carlos**

**BANG!**

The door to the basement slammed open. Splitting Carlos' head in too, wracking his brain with nothingness. With emptiness.

"It's time baby." And Carlos is once again faced with his demon, with his own personal monster under the bed. Only this time it wasn't a scary dream. It wasn't anything but cold, cruel, harsh reality. And it was going to swallow him whole. And Carlos knew it. He knew it.

Daniel stops in front of Carlos grinning maliciously. His body was shaking as he looked at the small boy, broken and bruised. Laid out like an angel before him. Perfect.

"I have to kill you soon, we're running out of time. And I've kept you too long. I should have killed you months ago."

_'Months?'_ Carlos thinks. He was appalled that he had been there that long.

The boy was precious, his facial expressions were beautiful and priceless. Everything about this boy was beautiful.

Daniel walked over to the bound boy and reached out, rough calloused fingers stroking the boy's face. Carlos whined back in his throat, trying to move away from the filthy touch.

"That's sexy baby, making those sounds." Daniel bent down and licked a long, line along Carlos' jaw. The boy stiffened. He didn't want Daniel to see the effects he had on him. He didn't want the fucker to see how much he got to him.

Daniel huffed ragged breaths onto the boy's face and grinned widely. Eyes watching the hot tears run into the Latino's hair.

"God. You have no idea how beautiful you are do you? You think you're average? Normal? You're so yummy. I could just eat you up baby boy."

Carlos groaned in disgust.

"Fuck you," reeling back as far as could while still being bound he spat right in Daniel's face. The spittle ran across his nose down his face. Carlos looked into his eyes and saw anger, no hint of the caring that had previously been shown. Carlos screamed as his hair was ripped back and the angry eyes were mere centimeters from his own, making it hard to focus.

"No. You see, it's me that's going to fuck you. I'm going to make you my bitch. I was _thinking_ about going easy on you. But you're just an insolent little shit. And you need to learn your place in this world. And that place is six-fucking-feet-under." his putrid breath washed across Carlos' face. He stared at the boy, the boy he was going to fuck, the boy he was going to kill, intently.

"Step 3: Agony."

"You're going to wish you were never fucking born." Daniel laughed loud and maniacal as he started to undress. He pulled off his shirt and his pants and boxers until he was wearing nothing. Moving to the side of the table Daniel just stood there looking down at Carlos' hot young body. So exposed and so goddamn vulnerable.

"So sexy baby" He breathed. Carlos whined again, his eyes clenching tightly, closed. He started to pant in pure panic as he realized what was going to happen. His breathes were deepening as Carlos tried to regain control of his terrified heart.

"Look what I got for you... a little friend that's just _throbbing_ to be inside of you." Carlos closed his eyes in disgust. But that didn't last long, his eyes popped opened has he felt hot flesh and wetness rubbing against his bruised ribs.

"Stop! Get that away from me!" Carlos yelled as he looked down and found Daniel rubbing his engorged cock along his broken ribs. Pre-cum smearing obscenly along the black and blue. It reminded Daniel of blueberries, blueberries and cream. Sweet, delicious blueberries and white, white cream.

"I think baby needs his bottle, something warm and sweet to suck on," Daniel said before climbing onto the table and straddling the boy's chest. Carlos cried out loudly from the pain in his ribs.

"God! Stop you're hurting me please!" But before he could say anymore Daniel's cock was shoved roughly into his mouth, stiffilng his cries. Daniel shoved in as deeply as he could, choking the boy. His throat stretched ridiculously and Carlos started to gag, shredded, tormented back, arching off the table in pain. His eyes rolled into the back of his head before going wide and starring into Daniel's eyes. Large, obese tears streamed down his face to mingle with the pre-cum and his snot. It ran over his lips and down the throbbing dick in his mouth, stretching his lips in a ridiculous fashion.

His eyes were pleading with Daniel's. They were begging with his eyes, to just _let him go_. But it was futile. He knew it wasn't going to do any good.

Daniel pulled his dick out of the boy's mouth, and while Carlos was gasping for air he got a good look at the thing. It was monstrous, large and thick. Probably about 11 or 12 inches. Carlos was pretty well endowed at 9. But he had never seen something so long and something so _thick_. It was terrifying. It would never fit, Carlos knew that. But he also knew that Daniel would _make_ it fit. The thought of that made Carlos gag again and sob out in agony.

"Shhhh, shhh baby it's okay. We gotta do this, you're going to love it! Well, no you won't. It's gonna hurt and you're gonna scream, cry and bleed." Daniel smoothed Carlos' sweat soaked hair down, pushed it back from his forehead, almost lovingly.

"As much as I'd love to just keep you locked in my basement forever I can't. I have to fuck you now, I can't kill you till I fuck you and I need to kill you soon, probably tomorrow. So let's get this party started." Daniel said moving so he was sitting between Carlos' spread, tied legs. His eyes closed in shame as Daniel started to run his hands up and down thinned thighs. The boy had lost a lot of weight. Only getting fed when it was _convenient_ for Hale. Nails scrapped the against the sensitive flesh and Carlos bucked as hard as he could, trying to rid his body of the violating fingers.

"You like this, that's why you're wriggling around. You want more, don't cha baby? You love the feel of my against your skin. You love the feel of my hot dick up against your own." Daniel growled laying his body flush against the smaller boy's. His cock rubbing against Carlos' making him burst out crying.

"Please stop! You _can't _do this! Please don't hurt me!" Carlos cried, eyes red and head throbbing from crying so much.

Daniel smiled. Placating, and brutal.

"But I can do this. You're mine, I'm gonna mark you. So that the world knows you're mine. So that when they find you're dead, cold body they're gonna fucking know who you belong to."

"No," Carlos moaned, eyes crazy with fear and loathing.

"Yes baby." Daniel reached over to grab a long knife sitting next to the medical table. Carlos started to struggle madly, not wanting that knife to touch his already tainted skin.

Daniel reaches down to Carlos' inner right wrist and starts to carve into the anorexic and tender flesh. Carlos screams loudly as he saws away at the flesh, forever branding the smaller boy.

"There you go Carlitos. My initials, that way I'll always be with you, haunting you. Even in your perfect, perfect death. D. A. H. Just for you baby. I never branded any of the other boys with my name. But you're special Carlos. My special boy," Daniel throws the knife aside and starts to nuzzle Carlos' neck, lapping at the flesh gently. But he grows bored and bites into the flesh roughly with his teeth, the boy beneath him whimpers. Carlos is trying so very hard not to show the pain he is in. The boy is trying to be brave.

_'How noble' _Daniel thinks with a smirk.

Daniel makes himself comfortable on the boy, his inner mind whirling with confusion. Confusion of how he feels about the practically broken boy before him. This is the third step, this is the part that needs to be done right. He needs to be broken when Daniel kills him, cause then he'll just lay there. And then Daniel can really _enjoy_ watching the light leave this little boy's eyes. Leaning on Carlos Daniel begins to run his fingers through the overgrown hair. It had been two months or so and the boys hair was the length of pretty boy's hair, hanging limply almost to his shoulders. But when the boy laid his head back it surrounded him like a dark halo. Fitting perfectly with this angel's dead theme.

"Do you know how it feels to die Carlos?" Daniel asked still playing with the strands. The boy says nothing, refusing to look into the older man's eyes. He was resolved with starring at the grimy ceiling, imagining he was somewhere else. But he could still hear every word. Every sick, fucking word.

"No of course you wouldn't. I don't either, but I've seen what it does to boys. Like Adam. Adam cried for some boy, some kid named Charlie. I don't know who that is but boy, did he cry for him like his life depended on it. HA! Maybe it did, a lot of good it did him. I killed him slowly. I mutilated his body, making it unrecognizable. He cried a lot, and after a while he stopped screaming. Stopped crying just lay there watching me with those eyes. And then he finally died, eyes opened and glassed over. It was cute the way the boy died. It's gonna be gorgeous when you die though. You're much more beautiful." Daniel said, he was halfway expecting Carlos to say 'thank you' for the compliment. But he knew he wouldn't.

"Do you know what I realized about people? Well when I raped, tortured, and then killed Adam he cried out for that Charlie guy. Never once for his parents. I studied him for a long time before I took him and it seemed his dad wasn't a big influence in his life and his mom was dead. I find that when parents are either dead, or 'not in the picture' the kids cry out for the person their closest too, the kid they love more than anyone. For you it's... pretty boy. And I guess for Adam it was that Charlie kid." Daniel stopped talking and started to suckle on Carlos' pulse gently. He loved how he could practically _feel_ the boy's heart speed up.

"And the part I like best is that if you love pretty boy so much and Adam loved Charlie, imagine how that boy felt when he saw Adam's body. Imagine how your boy is gonna feel. It's a sweet, sweet thought isn't it? Well except that you're boy doesn't give two shits about you!" Daniel said mockingly.

Carlos closed his eyes and started to count in his head. He had to block out the world, block out that fucking monster. He wasn't going to let him drive him mad. He wasn't going to keep his sanity. Because, honestly? That's all the boy had left.

"Well I've wasted enough time, let's begin." Daniel said, when he realized that Carlos wasn't paying attention anymore. Well, that definitely brought the boy back to the world of the living. At least for now.

"Please.. I've ne-never before..." He stutters trying to close his skeletal legs when he feels Daniel's hands wandering across his penis and balls.

"Shit I _knew _you were a virgin. This is going to be great. You're my first virgin Carlitos, I'm going to make it hurt so bad baby." Daniel says as he brushes the hair away from his forehead lovingly. Daniel untied Carlos' leg bindings and moved his legs till the feet were flat on the table and his knees were bent and thighs spread wide, revealing his tight pucker to the man before him. He re-bound his legs in the fore mentioned position and at that moment Carlos started to thrash knowing what was coming. He couldn't bare it, he just _couldn't._

"Usually I'd finger a victim first to test how tight they are, but I want it to be a surprise when it comes to you Carlos. God you're so sexy, I can't wait anymore." Daniel was breathing heavily from arousal and his dick stood out from his body proudly, large, obscene, and thick.

"No please, it it won't go in! It's too big please!" Carlos hiccupped, nearly choking on his own tears and snot.

Daniel ignored him and placed his cock-head at the boy's never before touched entrance. Carlos was wailing at this point, pleading with the devil for this all to stop. For his virginity and life to be spared. This was important to Carlos, no one had ever been inside him. And now this man was about to violate him without permission, without mercy.

Carlos felt intense pressure at his rose bud and he sucked in a harsh breath, almost panting in fear and terrifying anticipation. He looked up and noticed that Daniel had his face scrunched up in concentration and his tongue stuck between his lips.

"Fuck" Daniel muttered pressing even harder, but the tight ring of muscle wouldn't budge. Carlos was silently thanking whatever god existed but that was cut short with Daniel's next words.

"Shit, you really are the youngest I've ever had, and it shows. But don't worry baby I'll make it fit." Daniel pushed as hard as he could but the dick-head just bent and slipped away from the asshole. Biting his tongue Daniel shoved his two pointer fingers into the boy's vice-tight hole and stretched apart as wide as he could. Carlos cried out hysterically his mouth and jaw going tight with the pain.

"Pleaseee! Pleasee you're going to KILL me! Please!" Carlos cried his eyes looking around the room as if his savior was hiding in the dark ready to jump out and save him. But there were no angels or Heroes cloaked in the darkness. Carlos was alone with a demon.

"That's the point Carlos," Daniel ground out in frustration. Finally an inch went in and pop! The whole head of the cock pushed past the tight ring. Carlos' eyes rolled into the back of his head and widened to double their size. And out of his mouth came an obscene almost burping sound. He started to whip his head from side to side in terrible pain, his hair drenched with sweat slapping against his cheek and the cold metal table.

In one brutal push Daniel thrust forward until his large balls were nestled against Carlos' perfectly ass globes. Carlos' eyes nearly burst from their sockets and he let forth a scream that deafened everything. Daniel could already feel the blood soaking his dick from tearing the walls of the anal cavity. Carlos could feel the man's dick in his guts, he was afraid to look down and see the shape of it in his stomach. He felt that full.

"Oh god Carlitos, you're so fucking tight, oh my god, god! So beautiful baby, you feel so damn good." Daniel moaned and wasted no time in thrusting as rough and fast as he could. His thrusts were so intense the small boy's body rocked and slid across the table. Daniel fingered the ring in the boy's navel as he pressed as deep as he could into the boy.

"Oh please god please stop! You're hurting me! Please PLEASE!" Carlos begged.

"Oh yeah baby, keep begging like that, tell me that you want it," Daniel huffed out grabbing the knife from earlier to hold it against Carlos' throat.

"Fucking beg bitch!" Daniel spat rubbing his length harshly against Carlos' pained insides. Carlos started to sob he couldn't believe he was subjected to this kind of thing, but he needed to live, for as long as possible.

"Please pleas- I wa-want it" Carlos cried harder than he ever had in his entire life. It was so degrading, he didn't want any of this, god the pain.

"Baby you're so hot when you beg. You know you love it. Where's you're fucking courage now boy? Hmmm? Not so tough when you have a dick up your fucking asshole huh?" Daniel mocked. He looked down at Carlos as realized that he had passed out.

"Fuck that shit, wake up kid!" Daniel screamed slapping Carlos across the face hard. He stilled his movements and kept slapping until the boy's eyes started to open.

"Atta boy! We don't want you to miss anything do we?" Daniel taunted as he started to thrust again. This boy was gold. No other fag felt as good as this Latino did. Daniel knew that he had really picked the right boy. No one could compare to Carlos. He watched as hot tears dribbled from the boy's eyes to run with the snot and blood on the boy's face. Daniel had split his lip when he slapped him and the blood was pooling into the spot where his collar bone and neck met. It was so hot.

"God Carlos you're so sexy. Mmmm are you daddy's little boy. Don't cha just fucking ugh love this?" Daniel asked kissing the boy's bloody mouth as he picked up his pace. Slamming relentlessly into the boy. Carlos' sobs got louder until he was screaming.

"Oh here it comes baby, argh I'm gonna fucking cum into your tight ass," Daniel moaned as he pushed in as deeply as he could and came hard. Filling the boy so much that it felt as though his stomach would be bloated. Daniel ripped his dick from the now limp boy. And smirked as he watched blood and cum dribble from the boy's abused hole. Looking down he saw his dick covered in blood and semen and crawled up until his dick was bobbing right in front of Carlos' mouth.

"Open up baby." And Carlos did, his eyes were far away and his mind was almost gone. Daniel fed his dick to the boy before him almost as if feeding a baby a warm bottle.

"Suck Carlos, get your fucking blood off my dick!" Carlos moved his mouth around, not even flinching as he tasted blood on his lips. When Daniel was satisfied he made the boy swallow all the blood and cum watching as the boy just lay there. _This_ is how the boy was supposed to be. Barely any light left in his eyes. He _deserved_ this.

Honestly even if he _hadn't_ broken the boy this was how it was supposed to be, and in the end Carlos Garcia wasn't Carlos Garcia... he was just another dead boy, another dead boy with dead eyes.

"You die at sunrise, I can't keep you anymore."

"Why? Why can't you just let me go?" Carlos asked, it would have been pleading _begging_ if it hadn't been from the monotone in his voice and the way his eyes were dark and weary.

"Because I can't. Because you're wrong, and death is all you get, all you deserve." Daniel said moving to pull his clothing back on watching the boy carefully for any sign that the boy he met was still in there. He wasn't.

Carlos stopped speaking and looked into the light above his head, a fly buzzed around it noisily. Carlos didn't care, he didn't even notice. Carlos was finally gone to the world. Just _gone_.

And Daniel was happy because come tomorrow, come sunrise, he would just be another dead little boy.

"Amen." Daniel said before walking up the stairs and flooding the basement in darkness before slamming the door shut, leaving the, soon to be dead, little boy all alone.

**P.S. Look I know this was rough, but I wrote what I knew and I hope I got my point across. **

**There's more to come. **

**MyHeroRaven**


	14. You're Going To Kill Youself

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush**

**A/N: I apologize on the slow updates starting this monday the updates should be coming quicker. **

**Chapter 14 You're Going To Kill Yourself:**

**Carlos' POV:**

A dim light swirled above me, a part of me wished it was heaven but the rational part of me realized that it was either hell or the lamp swaying above me. It didn't matter what it was, I was going to die. I just wanted him to _do_ it already. The waiting is killing me, my side is killing me, my back is killing me and I feel so dirty. I can't do this much longer.

'Thank God.' I thought as I heard the cellar door slam open. I can finally die, I nearly sobbed in relief.

The sight of my monster and my savior stood before me, I could barely make him out but I knew he was there, like you knew your parents were asleep in the room next door when you were a kid. My parents are dead... does this mean I get to see them.

No, I'm wrong; I'm not going to heaven. I'm gonna rot in hell. It would be a nice break from this monstrosity I was already submitted too.

The last thought that came to my mind before the man before me spoke was: He was right, no one came. No one wanted to save me.

"Have you come to kill me?" I asked, death present in my monotonous voice. He smiled, it was cruel, I hope he doesn't play with me anymore, not that I would even feel much of anything.

"Nope, you're going to kill yourself." I stopped at that. A part of me, a small somewhat innocent part of didn't understand. But the part of me that had been torn apart, the majority of myself that had been destroyed understood with perfect clarity.

_'You're going to kill yourself. You have to, it's the only way to stop the pain. You know and I know it Carlitos.'_

Agony washed over me, no matter how many times James spoke to me the taunting, viciousness of his voice still killed me every time. Maybe I had gone mad, maybe I should beg. There's nothing left of me. There's nothing left of Carlos Garcia.

I watched as Daniel pulled out a revolver, odd. He untied one of my hands and molded my hand to grasp the metal. He cradled my hand and I started to move it to my head, but he pulled it from my head and made my point it to my chest.

"Oh no baby, you don't get to go that easily. This way I get to watch you slowly bleed to death, at least a little more slowly than if you blew your brains out. Plus, we don't want to wreck that perfect face." Daniel was smiling, if I squinted it could almost seem nice, but it was malicious and I knew that. He moved forward and pressed on my side. My eyes went wide as pain flew through my veins, if it hadn't been for my almost comatose state I would have arched off the bed. An unearthly grunt left my lips and I tried to turn my face away from him. I didn't want that monster to be the last thing I saw. I'd rather look at James, even though he hated me.

"The thought of you killing yourself is such a fucking turn on. Yeah, I'm making you hold the gun, but your story is yours from here on out. You decide if you're going to pull the trigger. You have the control. What will it be baby? What are you going to do?" I saw Daniel undo his pants and drop them, underwear following, he stood there clothing pooled at his ankles as he touched himself. I felt sick.

_'Yeah baby... what are you going to do? You have to do this, there's no other option right Carlos?'_

'No other option, you're right James. Thank you.'

I looked up into the faded light, a lone tear fell from my dead eyes as an ear-splitting slam came from somewhere above me. I shook off the noise as me going crazy and I pulled the trigger.

**An hour or so earlier with the cops**

Detective Gabriel Caines came to a stop at a red light before turning to look at the cop sitting in the passenger seat beside him. He was young and ready to do some good in the world. Cops like him were great, a little enthusiastic but great. Caines could tell this was a good man he was working with.

They were currently heading to the club where Carlos Garcia was last seen. He wanted to question the owner of the club again to try and see if he could get a good solid lead. Although, it _had_ been two months. There was a chance that the boy was already dead. It would be hard to tell the friends and family. That was always the worst part. Seeing people break down like that.

"We're here" the rookie cop said. Caines sighed before exiting the vehicle and making his way into the dead club. It was still early and it hadn't been open for business yet. A short pudgy man with kind eyes walked up to the pain and introduced himself as the owner.

After asking question after question, and the man being evasive and not at all helpful, Caines finally got tired of playing ring around the rosy with this man.

"You must know something, an underage boy coming in here, who did he talk to?"

"I don't know man I don't want to get involved it's bad for business." Caines stared in shock and disgust at the man before him, if he could even call him that.

"Bad for business? I'm going to shut down this whole damn establishment because you let underage kids in here. Minors and drinking, that's bad my friend, very bad. But if you don't know anythign I guess you're of no use to me anymore. I guess I just have to shut you down. Have a great day." The detective turned to leave but was stopped by a cry coming from the other man's lips.

"No wait! Okay I know what kid you're talking about, he was here a lot. He was always hanging around the bartender." the man said reluctantly. It was easy to see that he didn't want to divluge that information.

"A name, I need a name"

"Daniel, his name is Daniel."

"Is Daniel working right now?"

"No, he hasn't been in to work since you came looking for that boy a few months ago."

"And you're just telling us this now?" Caines asked furiously.

"I didn't think it was relevant." The man said sheepishly.

"Well it was." the cop next to Caines spat viciously.

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah sure you are, I need all the files on this man, sick day, his address, all your information on him." Caines said snapping his fingers quickly, aggressively.

The man scurried off, in fear to grab the requested files. He returned a few minutes later with them. The rookie cop snatched them out of the man's hands, and boy if looks could kill that man would've been 6-feet-under.

"Thank you so much for your time." the cop sneers before starting to walk away.

"Wait it's not him! He's never done anything wrong his whole life, I've known him since he first started to work here when he was 18, more than 10 years I've known that man. He's a good man." Gabriel Caines turned to the club owner before whispering,

"Good man? That man may have raped and murdered over a dozen young boys. Does that sound like a good man to you?"

The club owner lowers his head, staying silent.

"No? I didn't think so." and with that the two walk out of the club and heard towards the car.

"Do you think it could really be that man?" the cop asked while getting into the car.

"There's only one way to find out," he said before reaching onto his dash and grabbing his phone. He dialled a number and waited.

"Yeah hey Angela, I need you to check the following dates against the dates that the other boys went missing and let me know if they line up," Gabriel said while glancing out his window at the club. He gave the dates that Daniel Hale had been absent from work and waited for a response from the woman. The cop looked at his face and could see his eyes darken.

"Thanks Angie." Gabriel hung up and started to immediately radio for back up before speeding off down the road.

"So?" The cop asked.

"Every single day Daniel Hale has been absent from work matches up when all the boys went missing, the bastard has that boy."

"Let's just hope were not too late," the rookie said, fire in his eyes.

Unknown to the two officers, they were being followed.

"Logan, _Jesus _slow down!" Kendall hissed as he gripped the dashboard with all his might. Logan was careening after the cops. The boys had followed the detective to the club, they needed to be apart of this. They needed to save Carlos, but they couldn't do that with James being under suspicion for kidnapping and possibly murder, so they did the next best thing. The stalked the cop and the detective.

"I'm not going to fucking slow down Kendall, if we lose them that's it!" Logan gritted out, white-knuckling the wheel.

"Guys arguing isn't going to solve anything, finding Carlos will, Logan if you have to go that fast just be careful. Kendall, stop yelling at your boyfriend." James said, he was frustrated but they had to keep calm and carry on. They only worked well when they stick together. They can't afford to fall apart now.

Logan turned the wheel sharply and started to slow as the watched the cop car pull up to a large, Victorian house.

"This must be it," James whispered as Logan parked at a distance.

"What do we do now?" Logan asked uncertainly. The three boys looked at each other, the missing link, missing boy, missing brother, painfully tore through them. It was empty.

"We go in, fuck the cops!" James said. Logan looked a little doubtful but they all exited the car and made their way to where the cops had parked. The men had broken down the front door and the boys followed at a distance. But not far enough.

"What the hell are you doing here?" The detective whispered harshly looking back at the teens.

"We're here to help." James said confidently.

"No you can't be here, it could be dangerous, you need to go back outside."

"Make us!" Logan snarled. Kendall and James looked shocked. Carlos going missing had destroyed the smaller boy and the absolute certainty in Logan's voice gave no room for argument.

"Agh, just, stay here," the cop said before the two men went deeper into the house. Logan went to move backwards quickly to try and go a different way and slammed into a coffee table, the entire thing flipped over and with an ear-splitting slam crashed to the floor. Logan's eyes went wide and the James and Kendall looked at him in exasperation. The next sound they all heard made their blood run cold.

A resounding gunshot rang through the house and before anyone could breath James was running blindly into the house. Kendall and Logan could already here the sirens from the back up outside of the house and they tore after James.

"James wait!" Kendall screamed taking off after his best friend Logan at his side. They heard a door slam before they saw James descending a pair of stairs into a dimly lit basement. The sight that met the three boys nearly killed them. James was frozen staring into the lifeless eyes of Carlos. The young boy was spread out on, what looked like, a medical table. A man in his thirties stood next to him holding his hands up, his underwear and pants pooling around his ankles. The sight made the boys sick. But what was worst was the site of their friends. His sides were pitch black, bruised, blood dripped from his chest and he lay there naked, unmoving. Other injuries littered the body, brusing on his hips, _figertip_ brusing on his hips. His thighs had blood encrusted on them, dried and fingernail marks, perfect cresent moons on his thighs and waist. There was dried blood on the table from wounds that seemed to come from Carlos' back but they couldn't see anymore than that. The word 'Worthless' was carved into Carlos' flesh and some kind of initals on his wrist. On top of all these injuries his belly button was pierced. Bruises were everywhere, they could hardly tell where Carlos began and ended. Carlos had a gun gripped in his hand and blood was rapidly spilling from a wound near his chest.

The man was laughing maniacally. He looked right at James,

"You're too late pretty boy."

James let out a battle cry and ran past the cop who tried to grab him and slammed into Daniel. The monster's head collided into the wall effectively knocking him out. But James didn't stop, he started to beat every inch of the disgusting _thing's_ body he could reach. Screaming, tears running down his beautiful face.

"He's not dead," Detective Gabriel said as Logan and Kendall ran to Carlos' side. Kendall wretched violently before vomiting on the floor.

"I thought I told you to stay where you were?" The man said wearily. He didn't care anymore, he just wanted to save the boy.

The cop was grabbing onto James, trying to restrain the hysterical boy. Finally James was pulled away and collapsed, sobbing into the rookie's arms. The man shh-ed the boy and ran his fingers through his hair soothingly. Logan was holding his boyfriend up as he stared into Carlos eyes. All three of the boys on the verge of breaking down, but trying to hold it together.

After a few minutes an EMT came down the stairs with a stretcher and hissed at the sight before him. He worked quickly unbinding the boy. As James got up, the cop went to arrest the unconscious man. James moved next to Carlos, brushing a strand of hair from his eyes.

"We're here buddy, we got you." James said and Logan and Kendall nodded both crying as they stared at the broken body of their best friend, their brother. Carlos' eyes focused on James and wrenched away violently. James moved his hand away as if he had been burned.

**Carlos' POV**

'No don't touch me, you're bad!' I thought, my mind maddening from the pain in my chest, from the pain everywhere. The bad James can't touch me. No one can touch me.

Am I dead?

I keep seeing my friends, but I know they're not real. They were never real, I was always alone. My whole life has been one huge allusion. Voices were coming and going but I could only make out a few phrases.

'What's wrong?'

'Hang on!'

'Come on Carlitos you can do it.'

'Please, please don't leave.'

'Please don't die, don't die!'

I could see roses, everywhere, but they were dark and bleeding. I don't understand. I don't UNDERSTAND.

"ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed so loudly it deafened me.

I felt myself being lifted and a horrible squelching sound coming from my back as they had to literally _peel_ me off. The blood had dried to the table and must have acted as a make-shift glue, it was agony. And then I saw the bad James again, he was crying, sobbing, he was with Kendall and Logan and they were all crying. Bad James shouldn't be around Kendall and Logan, they're pure.

Bad James kept trying to comfort me, kept telling me: it's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay.

Nothing's okay. I felt people touching me, I don't want people to touch me, they can't it's all wrong.

'Please, stop touching me. I don't like it.' a sob broke through my lips and I felt sticky liquid pooling in my mouth, overflowing to one side and dripping down my cheek and chin.

"Kill me." I begged, and then everything went black.

**P.S. Okay so Carlos thought that the James at the end was the bad James. But it was the good James just to clarify. **

**Sorry for the late update, at least he got rescued. So now we just gotta see if he lives. **

**MyHeroRaven**


	15. Hope

**Diclaimer: I do now own Big Time Rush. **

**Dedication: This is for ****Nobody Else Just Me. Happy 15th birthday! PS: I was born in Texas too. Hope you enjoy this. **

**Okay my beta fell asleep and I really wanted to post this for Nobody Else Just Me's birthday so excuse all the mistakes... hehehe. **

**Chapter 15 Hope:**

Daniel had always prided himself on being a merticulous human being. From the perfectly organized shoes in his closet to his perfectly organized surgical tools used for mutilating young boys. He was always careful from his first ever victim, that he mercilessely slaughtered to the way he slowly broke Carlos Garcia's ribs one by one. He was merticulous and precise because it meant he wouldn't fail. Daniel Alexander Hale never failed.

Until today.

Today Daniel failed. The boy had escaped, he had been rescued. Months of hard work to break the boy down the toilet. It wouldn't take long before he started to heal, he would never really be himself again, but he could get close. The thought made Daniel see red.

Fucking _red_.

Daniel was pacing his jail cell, like a caged monster should. He was completely at a loss. The boy had got away. He had got away. No one ever escapes him, no one ever gets away. It was a terrible blow to his pride. Made him feel incompetent, useless, _weak_.

He hated feeling weak. This wasn't the end, he was going to fix what had been broken. He was going to finish this, as God has his witness he would complete the task he started out to complete.

He would kill Carlos Garcia.

It was that moment when Daniel Alexander Hale cracked. Had a complete and mental, nuerotic breakdown. He had become more dangerous, more _lethal._ Imagine a little boy, and how he starts off in life with the little pleasures: scaring his baby sister by chasing her with a knife around the kitchen, burning his cat alive, until it was crispy to the wonderful joys of raping and murdering boys.

His break was going to take him to a whole new level or evil and he was ready for it. Completely prepared to let lose and go wild. This was going to be fun, but not for Carlos, no Carlos was going to suffer.

"Dead little boys all in a row, which will I pick? I think the Latino," Daniel hummed.

Anger built in his gut, rising through his chest. He's pissed off, and excited. He gets to hurt that boy all over again, start from scratch. Maybe he would treat him like that cat, burn him alive, to death. Listen to his delicious screams as the flamed licked up his tan skin. Maybe he would eat the boy, why be wasteful? Meat was meat right?

The madness would consume until Daniel was blindly slamming into the cell, stone walls, shaking in anger. He was going to make this boy _hurt so damn bad._

Like a damm everyhing overflowed, rage and animosity tearing from his limbs in agony.

"That boy is going to be begging for death when I'm through with him. I'm going to make what happened to Matthew Shepard look like a walk in the goddamn park. God I will do your biding." He gripped his hair pulling out a few choice strands. His knuckles bloody from the punches thrown into the stone.

"I SWEAR TO YOU ON MY LIFE CARLOS GARCIA WILL DIE!" Daniel screams as he falls to his knees in rage and promise.

The rest of the innmates sat in terror as they listened to the maniacal laughter, from cell b4. They all fell a sleep, a lullaby of madness, cruel laughter, lulling them into their darkest nightmares.

**With The Boys**

Kendall, Logan, James, Katie, Mamma Knight, Gustavo, and Kelly all sat in the Emergency Room waiting area. Just anticipating, waiting for any sign that Carlos had survived the night. That their best friend would be okay and they could all be together again. But still, after hours, nothing.

Kendall had been sitting on one of the benches craddling a sniffing Logan in his arms. They had all stopped crying hours ago. They just ran out of tears, there was nothing left. They had to get through this. _Carlos_ had to get through this. The sanity of them all hung in the balance, their fate was completely tied to Carlos'. There wasn't a doubt in Kendall's mind that if Carlos went, they'd all follow. He had to be ready, ready to step up and save them all from slipping into darkness.

As Kendall looked down at the barely responsive form of his boyfriend he felt his heart ache for James. He couldn't imagine how he would be feeling if Logan had been taken. There were just no words.

With his head tilted towards the ceiling, Kendall sent up a silent prayer to any God that would just _listen_ to please, please get Carlos through this. To bring him safely through the night.

Katie hadn't known what to think when she and her mom had got the call to get to the hospital, that they had found Carlos. She had wondered why, if they had found him, they were going to the hospital. She thought, 'shouldn't we be going to the police station?'

When they arrived the looks on her brother's face told all. Everyone was crying, her mom was crying but when she asked what was wrong she was just drawn into a tight embrace, her mother's tears running into her hair.

Kendall finally explained in little detail how they had found Carlos. How he was hurt bad. Katie had no idea _how_ bad but she knew that the tone of her brother's voice, the way it cracked, meant it wasn't good.

But Carlos would get through this. It was _Carlos_! He could do anything! He was her crazy brother from another mother. She loved him like she loved Kendall and the thought of losing him was unthinkable, it wasn't even an option in her pre-teen head. Losing Carlos, would mean pain. A pain that she hadn't felt since her father had walked out of their lives all those years ago.

Katie didn't want Carlos to be the cause of that kind of pain. She wanted Carlos to be okay and come home. To sing her to sleep with the other boys and be there for her.

Katie _needed_ Carlos so make it.

Challan Knight had never felt such pain, Carlos was hurt terribly, and it was _her_ job to protect him. But she had failed. It was her job to make him feel loved, because she knew he had been so disconnected since his parents were killed. The boy had nothing but _them_.

'Now Carlos has nothing but _us._' She thinks sadly.

To think that one of her babies had been so severly damaged just because of _who_ he loved made Challan really question the sanity of the world. Why did Kendall and Katie's dad have to walk out. Why did Logan's mother leave her only son? Why were James' parents so distant from their son? Why did Carlos' parents have to crash that night... leaving a little boy lost and in the dark? And why did a monster have to hurt him so badly?

_Why?_

'Please come back Carlos, everyone needs you... everyone's waiting.'

Kelly and Gustavo had gotten the call and dropped everything. They both cared for the boys deeply. Even though Gustavo got stressed and screamed ridiculous things at them, he still cared. He didn't want anything to happen to his boys. They had grown on them and Kelly just adored them.

To think that one of them might die was just awful, it was unthinkable.

Kelly reached out and grasped Gustavo's hand and squeezed gently. He turned towards her and offered a small smile before squeezing back.

There was nothing left to do, except sit and wait for the ineveitable.

Logan was curled into his boyfriend's side. He just couldn't comprehend just how _bad_ Carlos had looked. It was disgusting, inhuman, and unbelieveable.

Carlos was so sweet, he was gentle and crazy, obnoxious at times, but who the hell wasn't? It was just so hard for Logan to wrap his head around the idea that Carlos could be dead, he had already fallen once, brought back by James and his boyfriend and he felt as though he was going to fall again.

If Carlos died, there would be no going back. It would be over Logan decided. He had no idea how to even attempt to move on without him. Logan had always been mad close to Carlos, moreso then Kendall had been. He just felt bonded to the small Latino. He wanted to protect him and be there for him.

But he failed. Logan would always fail in everything human-related. The only thing he strived at was logic and school-work and reality.

But this wasn't the reality he was used to. This was cruel and cold. Everything inside of him felt dead and withered. Like he was just fading away, he was still obscenely skinny so that didn't help.

Logan shivered as he remembered just how _small_ Carlos had looked. How small he _was. _Kendall held him more tightly when he shivered and ran a large hand up and down his extended spine, trying to soothe him.

But nothing could soothe Logan now, nothing could sate him. The only thing that would, was Carlos walking through the ER doors smiling and healthy. _Happy_. Just like he had been. But Logan knew that wasn't an option.

So he just had to have faith... that Carlos would live through the night and then the three of them could work on putting Carlos back together.

James had been pacing for the last couple of hours. He couldn't sit still no matter how hard he tried. His friends looked at him with pity.

'Fuck them.' James thought, they didn't _know_ how he felt. He was so bad off right now. This was all his fault. He was the one that had driven Carlos away, he was the one that punched his best friend.

_He _was the one that told the love of his life to go _die._ How could he have been so cruel? He was as bad a monster as that man.

James growled outloud, ignoring the starge looks he was getting from the people in the waiting room. Once again: Fuck them.

Nothing mattered right now except for Carlos. He was the _only_ thing that mattered to James and he wanted to fix his mistake.

A sense of dread washed over him when he realized that he couldn't fix this, and that Carlos probably hated him and never wanted to see him again.

He deserved this, the pain, the _guilt_. James deserved everything he got from here on out, at least, that's what he told himself. That's what he concinved himself, the reality was slowly seeping in.

_Carlos could die._

And there wouldn't be a damn thing he could do about it. He wasn't a doctor, he wasn't magical healer.

He was useless, utterly and painfully useless to Carlos.

All James could do now was stew in his own fucked up misery as he waited for news. As he waited to hear if the boy he loved more than life itself would be okay.

He didn't have to wait much longer until an aged man with hospital scrubs on came out and started looking around the room.

"Family of Carlos Garcia?" He asked, instantly everyone was on their feet surrounding the man.

"I'm Doctor Coulter. I'm the Doctor in charge of Carlos' case and care-" he was cut off, however, by an impatient James. .

"Is he alive? Is Carlos alive?" James asked frantically, wringing his hands together in nervousness.

"He is stable right now, BUT we're not out of the woods yet. I am sad to say that in all my 35 years as a medical professional I have never seen this much and this extreme damage on anyone still living. I am still shocked he is alive." The man said quietly.

"I need to explain what has happened to him, so that if and when he pulls through the night you'll know how you're going to have to deal with him. Physically: Cuts and bruises normal for torture victims. He has carvings on his chest and inside wrist, they have been stitched up. But, those will have mental power over him and you'll have to get him a damn good therapist."

"I'll be taking care of all expensises, money is no option." Gustavo said puffing himself out to his full size. Kendall, Logan, and James looked gratefully at the other man.

"Well aside from that he's going to need phyiscal therapy, he was tied down for two months and he probably won't be able to walk, also he is at an extreme level of deteroiating malnurishment. He'll be too weak to do much. He has been thrashing around a bit so he can move on his own, that's a good sign." The Doctor said seriously.

"You didn't see his back so I'm not going to go into gory details, but he was whipped, relentelessly. He will forever be scarred on his back, as well as the chest and wrist. Those marks will never fade. His back is destroyed and has been stitched up as best as we could. There was a curious cut across his jugular, as if someone was thinking about slitting his throat and then changed their minds about it. That was stitched as well. The ribs were the hardest. We still don't even know if they'll heal right. We're going to have to do surgery later in the week when some of his other injuries have become more stable. From what we can tell, every single rib is shattered. It's going to be a very difficult procedure and he'll probably always feel pain in his sides, because his nerves were badly damaged. His jaw was also broken and we have re-set it and inserted screws, I think it'll heal nicely but it may ache on occasion. The bullet wound in his shoulder shattered it as well. However, the bullet has been removed and as soon as we reconstruct the shoulder he should be fine. It didn't hit anything vital, but still your friend is lucky to be alive." The doctor finished, the people in the room took a breath before the doctor looked up sadly.

"I'm afraid there's more. But I don't know if I should say anything with the child present," he said.

"Come on Katie, let's go to the cafeteria. I'm sure they have pudding or something." Gustavo said lamely taking the little girl's hand and walking out with Kelly following closely behind.

"She's going to find out at some point," James said bitterly. He already knew where this was going and his heart was beating erratically in agony.

"Yes but I feel this is best. Your friend was raped. Brutally I might add, the bruises on his jaw are from oral. From his mouth being forced open for long period of times and his anal caavity was shredded. I'm not going to sugar coat it, we had to stitch him up within his anus, it will be excruciating for him until the stitches can be removed and on top of him probably feeling very violated, he isn't a fan of people touching him. The rape was brutal, tearing him apart. No lubrication was used, we would have found traces and there were none. We performed a rape kit but since he was probably sodomized some time ago there might not be any evidence for the police. This is going to be the hardest thing he will have to overcome. I don't want to even think about what that man told him." he said.

"What do you mean: what that man told him?" Logan asked. It was one of the first things he had said and if he thought the doctor meant what he thought he meant Carlos was in for a really rough time.

"Rapists drill things into their victims head, making them blame themselves. I'm just saying be prepared to deal with your friend... not acting like himself and being scared and suicidal. For now we don't have him on suicide watch because we want to give him his privacy and help him without scaring him. But if he even shows the _slightest_ signs of it we'll put him on watch."

The boys and Mrs. Knight nodded in understanding. They all felt pretty sick, thinking about all the stuff that had happened to Carlos, to their friend, their brother. It was truly atrocious.

"Can we see him?" James asked. They all nodded thinking the same thing.

"Well I guess it would be alright, but if you stress him out I'm going to have to ask you to leave," Doctor Coulter said.

"Oh and one more thing, for some reason I can't fathom he has his navel pierced."

"Take it out!" James spat, angry that the man would tress Carlos up like a whore. Not that belly piercings were whore-y but he knew Carlos wouldn't want it in him and it was meant to demoralize him.

"I can't, I tried to and he screamed like a maniac and said that it could never come out," Coulter said.

Without another word of argument the three boys followed the man to Carlos' room. Challan had decided to go find Kelly and Gustavo and fill them in, leaving the boys to their privacy.

Upon reaching the room their hearts simultanesously broke with each other. He was just laying there, body weak and sunken. Machines hooked up to his limbs and bandages everywhere. He had bruises on his tanned flesh that made James' skin boil.

They all stepped forward and James reached his hand out to stroke the overgrown hair from the small boy's face. But in that moment Carlos' eyes snapped open and he looked at James, pure terror etched into his face. Before James could as what was wrong Carlos let forth a truly blood curdling scream, making James back away in horror. All Carlos could see was the James that haunted his nightmares for months, the James that _hated_ him and he wanted him to go away.

"Just as I feared you need to leave!" The doctor said as he and a few nurses moved forward to restrain the hysterical boy. And James did leave, he ran down corridor after corridor until he stood before the doors of the hospital, he ran out them and fell to the ground, sitting on the curb sobbing.

Kendall and Logan fell on either side of James and embraced him. Logan nuzzling agaist James' shoulder while Kendall pressed his forehead to James. Kendall reached up to wipe the tears away from James' face.

"Leave them, I deserve to cry," James said trying to pull away. But Kendall held fast.

"No you don't. James we can get through this we can-" But Kendall was cut off by James' angry voice.

"What can we possibly do Kendall? he was screaming he's all fucked up he saw me and fucking screamed bloody murder!"

"Tell me oh wise one, what the FUCk do we do now?" James screamed more hot tears making their way down his cheeks. Kendall sighed, turning James' chin so that he could look at Kendall.

"There's only one thing we can do, when things are as dark as they are now, James."

"What's that?" James asks wearily.

"Hope."

**P.S. SO yeah that's the next chapter. Ugh I hope it didn't suck. **

**AN: If you thought Daniel was bad before just wait until you see what he does next. He is going to take his evil to a whole new level. Picture, if you will, a demon dressed, disguised as a human being, and not even a good human but a bad one. And then take that image and twist it, the Demon's skin peels off and you see the monster for what it truly is, you see Daniel for who he truly is. **

**I probably just scared the shit out of all of you. **

**MyHeroRaven**


	16. Well I Don't Love You, Okay?

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush.**

**A/N: IT WAS A DAY LATE I'M SORRY BreakinDawn! Well I'm going to go shot myself because I didn't get this up on your birthday, I'm a horrible author. ANYWAY HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY! Sorry again... don't kill me [flinches violently]. **

**I actually almost forgot about this story, some stuff has been going very badly in my life so writing has been the last thing on my mind, and as you can tell from the one-shots I've recently spewed out there's just a lot on my plate. But this story is so important to me so I will never stop wriitng it until it is complete. Promise :) **

**Okay so BreakinDawn: Maybe you'll wake up and this will be there. Happy belated birthday darling, hope you like this chapter. **

**Chapter 16 Well I Don't Love **_**You**_**, Okay? **

**James' POV**

It had been another couple of hours with no news when a bristly nurse came out and told us that he was stable and sleeping. She may have said something about, 'needs his sleep and is not to be disturbed.' But I had tuned the old bat out at that point. She didn't know _anything_ about Carlos. Only his family, that was us, knew anything about the smaller boy.

It was pissing me off that they thought we were a _distraction from the boy's healing process_. The 'boy' has a name. His name is Carlos, and being around his friends would help... wouldn't it?

_I don't know... he freaked when he saw you last time. Maybe he hates you._

'Carlos does NOT hate me. Carlos loves me, we're best friends!' I thought indignantly. I knew there was a reason I never listened to the voice inside my head. But it was too late... the thought was festering. After all, Carlos didn't freak when he saw Kendall or Logan... just me.

Maybe it was because Kendall and Logan were gay and Carlos had no idea that I loved him as more than a friend. Maybe he was still trying to hide. Maybe he was scared.

There were so many maybe's, it was making my head fucking spin. I stood up and started to pace the waiting room. Kendall and Logan were nestled together sleeping soundly. I started to get mad. Mad that they were sleeping at a time like this. So I woke them up, I punched the wall near where they were sitting as hard as I could my fist going straight through the plaster.

At the loud noise they both awoke and saw my fist in the wall. Mamma Knight was already at my side and Kelly and Gustavo had stood up in shock and worry.

Kendall started to move towards me but I held up my hand to stop him.

"Stop, I can handle this myself." And without even flinching I pulled my bloody, broken hand from the wall and held it at my side. Logan and Kendall looked at me like I had gone crazy... maybe I had.

"Now that you're awake and I have your full attention..." I started in a cruel tone.

"I can try and work out what I'm feeling. This is stupid. This whole damn thing is fucking stupid! I shouldn't be sitting in a hospital waiting to see if the boy I love more than _anything_ is going to make it through the night. I shouldn't even BE in a hospital! I shouldn't have to think about all the things were going to have to deal with... how Carlos is going to be different, how badly he looked when we saw him, and how he was taken by a monster. The whole fucking world is fucked up and stupid and I feel like I'm the only sane one left! And my damn hand hurts," I mumbled that last part out quieter than I had made my little speech.

Mamma Knight had started to cry and Logan backed away from Kendall, curling in on himself. We were all breaking and I was the only one that could see the puzzle pieces break and fall away.

Gustavo and Kelly just fucking stood there awkwardly, they didn't know what to say and I didn't blame them. What the hell does one say at a time like this?

'Oh yeah I'm really sorry that your best friend and whole world got kidnapped, tortured, molested and raped. I'm really sorry that he might die and you never get the chance to tell him you love him. I'm really sorry that he's never going to be the same again.'

What does one say?

Kendall just stood there, unshed tears glistening in his eyes, it was like he could mentally feel Logan pulling away from him. He didn't even have to turn around to look, he just _knew_.

At least Kendall and Logan had each other. Kelly and Gustavo had each other. Fuck even Katie and Mamma Knight could comfort each other... but me?

My other half was sitting, tortured and sexually assaulted. Terrified of me and in pain. I was alone.

My thoughts were interrupted however when I felt a pair of small arms go around my waist. I looked down to find Katie crying and looking up at me.

"You're not alone Jamie, we're all scared." Katie said gripping me tighter. I held her back and felt more arms go around me. Kendall, Logan, Mamma Knight, even Gustavo and Kelly joined in and for a moment I felt a little better. I felt like I wasn't facing off against the world on my own. I had back up, an army, brothers and sisters in arms.

"Now, we really should have someone look at your hand James, it's definitely broken," Logan said pulling me towards one of the nurses that had seen the whole exchange. Everyone reluctantly broke apart and I was lead away to x-raying.

But I didn't mind the pain in my hand, because it was nothing compared to what Carlos was feeling.

**A Couple Hours Later**

Still no new news, and I was sitting there defeated, hand casted and painkillers pumping steadily throughout my blood stream. We still didn't know _anything_ new. They still wouldn't let us see Carlos. It was really starting to get to me.

"Boys," Doctor Coulter said walking up to us and my head snapped up and within two long strides I stood before the older male. He looked tired, and weary. There were deep bags under his eyes. I feel like he was an older mirror image of myself right now. I could feel my own bags, like the baggage within my heart.

"How's Carlos? When can we see him?" Logan asked, taking Kendall's hand while leaning into the taller boy.

"Carlos is... stable. But he has upcoming surgeries and I'm sorry but you can't see him until they are completed. Before you freak out and ask why, it's because your last visit hurt Carlos more than you realize. His shattered rib bones shifted when he started to scream and thrash and we are afraid there is serious internal bleeding. It doesn't look good. I'm sorry, but we're going to do our very best to work efficiently on your friend and have him all patched up and back to you soon."

"What do you mean internal bleeding? What kind? Where?" Logan asked you could see he was thinking hard, trying to remember everything he could about bleeding internally and the complications.

"We think the top of his stomach was ripped open and a lung may have been punctured. But let's _hope_ that's not the case. A punctured lung is very bad."

"How did this happen? How could the pieces of his ribs do that?" Kendall asked, clearly confused.

"Shattered bones are dangerously sharp, it would have been easy for just a broken rib to cause damage, but for the bone to be damaged and in so many pieces... the doctor is right. It's bad," Logan said. Coulter looked surpised at the smart boy's intelligence.

The rest of us weren't.

"What kind of surgery?" I asked tentatively.

"We are going to have to repair all the shattered bones. Including the ones in his shoulder. On top of that mend any internal damage there might be. The sooner we do it the better, because at this point we run the risk of him bleeding to death on the inside."

Just the way he said bleeding to death on the inside, I pictured Carlos drowning in his own blood, the liquid pouring from his unnaturally pale lips, eyes dead-

'Stop it James! Stop freaking out for no reason, Carlos will be fine!'

_Maybe..._

I felt sick. Just thinking about Carlos dying was killing me.

"Also on top of that your friend refuses to eat. He's losing more and more weight, we can't force him to eat so it's becoming detrimental towards his health."

He wasn't eating? Carlos loved to eat... that was really scary. I thought back to Logan and remembered how awful he had looked, I didn't want Carlos looking like that.

"I have to tell you something else, there's another reason you're not allowed to see Carlos. He sort of requested it. He said he couldn't bare to see you, any of you. He says he hurt you badly and he lied and he just can't handle it. I don't really know what any of that means but I have to honor his request so you cannot see him. Period."

The doctor's words sunk in. Carlos thought he hurt us, yeah he lied but we don't care about that now. We just care about him, and making sure he gets better. He _has_ to know that. We have to tell him.

Before James could make a plan or voice his opinion they could hear screaming and couple of seconds later two cops that we hadn't seen before emerged from the corridor looking ashamed and slightly aggitated.

"I told you that if you were going to question him you would have to go slow and be gentle," Coulter said angrily. James could tell that he didn't like seeing his patients upset.

"Wait! You let a bunch of _cops_ question Carlos but you won't let us see him? What the fuck man?" I said screaming getting up in the _good_ Doctor's face. I felt Kendall and Logan each grab one of my arms and pull me back.

"We had to get his testimony, or Hale is going to walk, we just asked if he wanted it and the boy freaked out. But we _have _to ask these questions-"

"YOU FUCKING BASTARDS! YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S BEEN THROUGH AND YOU ASKED HIM IF HE _WANTED_ IT? HE WAS BEATEN, ALMOST DEAD! AND YOU THINK HE WANTED THAT? YOU THINK HE FUCKING WANTED TO RAPED AND TORTURED!" I was furious, trying to beat the living hell out of the two pigs in front of me, but I just couldn't shake Kendall and Logan's grip on me.

The cops looked freaked and quickly left before an altercation occurred. Kendall and Logan forced me down into a seat and Logan started to make quiet shush-ing noises. For some ungodly reason it worked and I felt my breathing start to return to normal.

The cops were gone, so that was good enough for me... for _now_. I still needed to get in to see Carlos, to tell him that we all loved him... that _I_ loved him.

I looked up and saw Gustavo, Kelly, and Mamma Knight still talking to the Doctor, who in turn was eyeing me warily. Katie was sitting in a chair a few seats from her brother and she seemed to be in her own little world. That worried me, but Carlos was the most important thing right now. Only _Carlos_ mattered.

I turned to Logan and Kendall, our heads bumping from the close proximity. A ghost of my old smile crept across my face.

"I have a plan..."

**An Hour Later Regular POV**

Mamma Knight, Gustavo, Kelly, and Katie had all gone to the cafeteria, they said it was about food but the boys could tell they were just trying to cheer Katie up. But it didn't matter, it worked perfectly for the boy's plan.

The on call nurse was the only thing sitting in their way, and she had been drinking _a lot_ of coffee it was only a matter of time before- yep there she goes, pee break.

Kendall, Logan, and James all exchanged looks before walking calmly past the desk and towards Carlos' room. So far so good, they hadn't run into ant security guards and most of the nurses and doctors that walked by just assumed they were allowed to be back there, since they had to have gotten past the nurse.

Their plan was working. Soon they would be able to see Carlos.

Finally they were in front of Carlos room. They walked in, heart-breaking as they saw their friend so hurt. He was bruised and bandaged from head to toe, all the wires attached to him made him look inhuman. James, Kendall, and Logan all simultaneously shuddered.

They James noticed it... Carlos was awake, looking up at the ceiling.

"What are you doing here, I said I didn't want to see you," he said sadly, his voice sounded so broken, so destroyed.

"We wanted to make sure you were okay," Kendall said moving to stand next to the bed. Carlos wheezed, like it was hard for him to breathe.

"I'm not," Carlos said, bitterness, regret, and something else tinting his words.

"We know, but you'll get better. You'll be good as new and then we can put this all behind us." James said knowingly. Logan was speaking, he was slowly taking in all of Carlos' numerous injuries... trying to see just how bad his friend was and if the doctor had sugar-coated anything. It seemed he hadn't.

"It's okay, I know you guys hate me. But it's okay, as soon as I'm better I'm going to move back to Minnesota. I'm a burden, a liar, and a horrible friend. And I know now that I'm not wanted. It's okay really." Carlos said, tears glistened at the corners of his upturned face. He still wouldn't make eye contact. But if he had he would have seen the shocked looks on his friend's faces.

"No, Carlos. You're wrong. You _are_ wanted. _We_ want you here, always by our sides. We love you, and we don't care that you lied. It doesn't matter. All that matters is you, and getting better. We love you so much and we're going to be here for you through it all. Through thick in thin until the end." James said reaching for Carlos' hand. Carlos let him have it, let him touch him. But he was still scared of looking in his eyes, he was still scared that he would see the _bad_ James. Not his best friend.

"Yeah man you know us, we're going to be here through all of this, and you're going to come out on top because you are Carlos Garcia. If anyone can overcome this, it's you." Logan said smiling hugely, his mouth hurting from the strain.

"Yeah Carlitos, you remember my favorite saying: We stick together. We're here for you buddy," Carlos smiled, it was small but it was a start. Kendall looked at Logan knowingly and nodded towards the door.

"We're going to head back and let you two talk, someone's gotta make sure we don't get busted for this," Kendall said taking Logan's hand and smirking. Logan blushed knowing that his boyfriend was probably thinking dirty thoughts, he knew that fucking smirk _anywhere_.

"Yeah we'll see you soon Carlos okay?"

"Yeah Logan I'll see you later."

James and Carlos were left alone in the white empty room.

"Carlos I need to tell you something, and it's not easy because I'm not all that good with feelings or making sense of them for that matter or-"

Carlos cut him off, he was hurting and he just wanted to hear what he had to say so he could concentrate on getting better, his side was killing him.

'I almost died.' he thought, he didn't care anymore if he saw evil James he wanted to look at him. So Carlos turned and Hazel met gold. James was _James_. Just James. _His_ James. Carlos nearly sobbed with relief.

The second Carlos had looked at him James had gone breathless. Trying to get his head straight he decided to just _tell_ Carlos how he felt.

"I love you. I've loved you my whole damn life, you were always there and I think I always kenw how special you were to me, but I was confused and blind. And then when I almost lost you I kept thinking that I never told you, that you could have _died_ without knowing how much I cared, how much I loved you. So yeah that's pretty much it. I love you and I really hope you feel the same way, but I'll understand if you don't." James had finished speaking and Carlos felt pure joy swell within him.

But it was shot down when his mind ran away with him. Carlos knew that being gay was wrong, it's what got him into this mess in the first place. Gay people deserve to die. Carlos felt hopelessness flood through his veins and soul. He _couldn't_ be with James. Even though his heart ached painfully for the taller boy's heart and arms. He _couldn't_. It was wrong. It was bad. Carlos didn't want to be bad anymore, he didn't want to hurt anymore. So he would be good.

"I can't be with you James, I'm sorry."

"What Carlos... but why?"

"Because I like girls, I'm sorry but I don't swing that way."

"But Carlos... _I love you_."

"Well I Don't Love _You_, Okay?"

The look on James' face _almost _had Carlos bursting into tears and drawing the pretty boy into his arms, safe and sound. _Almost_.

"I love girls. Not men, it's wrong James. I'm sorry but I can't love you the way you want me to. It would be best for everyone if you just forgot about me." Carlos couldn't look into his eyes anymore, but if he had he would have seen pure clear tears falling quickly from the brunette's eyes. Heart break and pain evident. James couldn't believe Carlos was rejecting him? He thought for _sure_ that he felt the same way as James.

"But Carlos-"

"Please James, just leave." Carlos said, turning away from James as best he could. He winced as he cradled his side and started to silently cry. The agony of the situation catching up to him. He heard footsteps and knew he was alone.

He was wrong, loving a man was wrong, but _this _was right, James needed to stop loving him. He couldn't let James get close, that meant danger. Meant Daniel could hurt him. And Carlos didn't care what he had to sacrifice to protect James, he wouldn't let that monster hurt James the way he hurt himself. He would lose everything to protect James...

Even if it meant losing himself...

**P.S. FINALLY: James admits his feelings. It only took 15 chapters and Carlos being mindlessly tortured. Damn. **

**Not that it did much for him. **

**MyHeroRaven**


	17. I Forgive You

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush**

**Chapter 17 I Forgive You:**

"I hate you." I took a deep breath before looking deep into his eyes, trying to proclaim my disdain as best as I could.

"I hate you more than anything in this whole world James."

The anger I was feeling grew and grew until it was consuming. Until it was almost too much to ever bare. I hated him. I fucking wanted him to die. To kill himself. To leave this world forever.

But he wouldn't... because he was me.

Staring into the mirror I realized that I wasn't stupid, I wasn't being suicidal, I was _mad_. I was losing my mind and my fate was curled, intertwined with Carlos'. If he went, I went. He got better I got better. He went crazy... then I would go crazy. And I had absolutely no control on the situation. No control over my own life, my own body, my own soul. It made me feel a little better that I was going to go through pain as well.

But I still hated myself, and was waiting until I snapped and slit my own fucking throat. This was all my fault. Everything was always my fault.

My fault I was so damn selfish that I made my best friends give up their dreams and move to LA, to make mine come true... how truly selfish was I? To destroy all their dreams? If I hadn't wanted to be famous so badly... well Carlos wouldn't be nearly dead in this stupid hospital. Carlos would be happy and smiling without me. Without me, my friends would have been okay.

I wetted my hands and splashed my face with water looking down into the sink, watching the clear liquid swirl away, down the drains with my dreams.

He didn't love me, he would never love me. How could I have ever thought anything different. I hit him. I _hit_ Carlos. I sent him away that night, it's my fault he got hurt. My fault he was tortured, raped, and almost killed. My fault he doesn't love me.

Because how could anyone ever love someone as worthless as me? I've always been worthless, Carlos knew it. Fuck he _said_ it. This is my fault... and I would figure out a way to hurt myself, so badly I couldn't feel anymore. This was my burden to bare.

Maybe I would kill myself, no one loved me. They all just pretened to. Nothing even matters anymore. Only Carlos mattered... but he hates me so this is the end for me.

I'll make sure he gets better first, I owe him that much. But after he's better, after he can stand on his own two feet... I'll do it. I'll kill myself. Carlos is so amazing he doesn't deserve _another _monster in his life. That's all I am, a stupid monster.

So I'm going to put on a mask, smile like everything is okay, and then when everyone's happy and better, I'll leave. I'll jump off that cliff and then they'll be so relieved. So _whole_.

Without me everything is better. I looked up into the mirror to find two of my best friends on either side of me. Kendall to my right and Logan on my left.

_They wouldn't miss me_.

"Hey James... how are you feeling?" Logan asked looking up into my eyes, at least I think he was looking in my eyes, I refuse to meet his so I guess I'll never know.

"I wish he would have taken me... that man. I wish it was me laying on that hospital bed, barely breathing." I didn't stutter but Logan did.

"W-what Jame you can't mean that? Just look at how hurt Carlos is? Now _you_ want to run off and get hurt! Is the whole damn world stupid? You want to pull a stunt like Carlos so we can cry over your dead body? So we can see you hurt this badly! You really want that?" Logan had started off yelling but started to sob when he got to Carlos pulling a stupid stunt.

"Logie, James just meant he wants to take the pain for Carlos. He doesn't really want to be in the same position. He just wishes it hadn't happened to Carlos. Right James?" Kendall asked as he held Logan rocking him slowly, hand threading through Logan's dark locks as he cried. That's not what I meant... I don't even _know_ what I meant.

_Let's play pretend... pretend I'm okay. & the mask goes on._

"Yeah, Logan you know I wouldn't run off like that. I would never want to lose you guys." I said strongly turning to run my hand down Logan's back while his boyfriend held him. I turned and looked at my reflection one last time. I never thought I'd get sick of looking at myself. I was truly _ugly._ But I had to stay strong... this would be my best acting, my grand finale. I smiled looking away from the man in the mirror. The man I had become.

_& the curtain rises_.

"I love you both so much. I couldn't bare the thought of losing you guys. You know that right Logie?" He sniffled cutely before turning and throwing himself into my arms. I came up and wrapped myself around him as tightly as I could. Kendall followed suite until we were all hugging like a bunch of girls in the hospital bathroom. Logan laughed lightly as his own stupidity. As if Logan would _ever _be stupid.

"Don't scare me like that again Jamie or I'm going to sic Kenny on you." Logan said very seriously. I rolled my eyes and locked hazel with green.

"Oh I'm so scared, I'm shaking." I gave a saracastic smirk and Kendall slapped me upside my head.

"Don't touch my hair." I said before we all pulled away.

"So besides stalking me, and wanting to stare at my amazing body, is there another reason you followed me into the bathroom?" I asked truly curious.

Logan and Kendall both smirked. It wasn't one of those mean smirks or we just played a prank on you smirk. It was the cocky, we know what happened but still want the details... smirk.

"Sooooo... you and CARLOOOSSS?" Kendall asked nudging me in my side suggestively.

"There is no me and Carlos. He rejected me. Told me he didn't swing that way and that he liked girls. He said being gay was _wrong._" I said my tone was upset. I was dissapointed in myself for showing so much.

"But there's no way I know Carlos lo-" Kendall was stopped abruptly by Logan smacking him upside the head. It was obvious he was about to say something that he shouldn't have. Weird.

"I mean I know Carlos loves girls but, he isn't like that. There has to be more to it than 'he likes girls.'" Kendall said glaring at Logan. I backed up until my back was touching the wall and slid down until I was sitting with my knees pulled up to my chest. I was sad. I needed to control my feelings, not let them control me. Kendall slumped down next to me while Logan looked thoughtful. Finally turning to me Logan sank to his knees in front of my and put his hands on my knees gripping my hands in his.

"Hey, remember when we first saw the dead boy on the news? And how Carlos FREAKED out and said it was so _wrong_. Not wrong to be gay, but wrong that boys were being murdered for _being _gay. He stuck up for them. If he hadn't felt so strongly about gay right and homosexuality than he wouldn't have nearly stayed up for nights at a time. He wouldn't have _lied_ to his best friends. He wouldn't have been sneaking out and playing a dangerous game of cat and mouse. James... he wouldn't have gotten himself kidnapped, he wouldn't have been _raped_, nearly _murdered_ if he didn't care. Carlos cared so much, he nearly _died_. He's just hurting right now, let him heal, let him get better and then maybe you two can fix things. Because believe me James, that boy in there cares about you so much. So damn much." Logan was looking at me smiling, squeezing my hands gently. I felt tears prickle at the corner of my eyes. I had the best friends in the whole world.

"You're awesome Logie, thank you." I said wiping at my tears. I looked up to see Kendall grin playfully before throwing himself at Logan, effectively pinning the smaller boy beneath him.

"God you're sexy when your being all sensitive. I fucking love you." Kendall said pulling the boy into a deep kiss. Logan blushed madly and tried to push Kendall off of him, I knew Logan was all kinky and shit I could just _tell _ he was a little freak. But he must have deemed it innapropriate for him and Kendall to flaunt their relationship when any chance I had at one had just been destroyed. I coughed, trying to get Kendall's attention and gave him a hurt look.

"Erhm sorry James." Kendall said sheepishly, pulling away from Logan and helping the smart boy up while rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. Logan shoved him hard and glared.

"It's okay, it's cute." I said while standing up.

"It's been a few hours, and Carlos is scheduled for surgery soon, the doctor said we could come see him before he was taken away. _That's_ the real reason we followed you in here. And the fact that you're so _sexy_." Logan said slyly before winking suggestively and grabbing my hand and pulling me away from Kendall and into his arms, our chests collided and he ran his thin fingers up and down my biceps. I knew what he was doing:

_Payback's a bitch Kendall and __her __name is Logan._

This is what Kendall gets for tackling Logan in front of me and thoroughly embarassing the smaller boy and being an insensitive jerk. Kendall's eyes went wide in panic and Logan and me walked away. But we could still hear Kendall from the bathroom, we just kept walking though, satisfied smirks on our faces and hands entertwined.

"LOGIE! BABY COME BACK! I'M SORRY! LOGIE! YOU'RE NOT SERIOUSLY GOING TO RUN OFF WITH JAMES RIGHT! LOGAN? BABBBBYYY! HE'S NOT THAT SEXY! I BET I'M BETTER IN BED!"

We both burst out laughing, man Kendall could be such a pussy sometimes. Can you say whipped?

**An Hour Later [Logan had returned to Kendall's arms, where he has **_**always**_** belonged]**

Kendall and Logan were already sitting with Carlos and I was just sitting outside the room. I was scared. Scared that he really hated me. My head kept telling me that it didn't matter because I was planning on killing myself. But my heart wouldn't let this hurt go away. Wouldn't let _Carlos_ go away.

Finally maning up I walked into the room, moving to sit in the chair by his bedside. I looked meaningfully at Kendall and Logan and they both left the room. This was my chance...

My chance to apologize.

Carlos looked at me wearliy as if I were going to bite him, or break down crying. I did neither.

"I'm sorry. It's my fault you're in here. If I hadn't drove you away, if I hadn't hit you that night you'd be okay. We'd be sitting by the pool playing pranks and trying to get the Jennifer's attention. I would have never told you I loved you and things would be _normal_. It's my fault they're not. It's my fault you were robbed from your normal life. And I'm so sorry for that Carlos. I'm sorry I hit you and I'm sorry I said all those awful things, I didn't mean a word of them. I'm just so sorry..." I finally stopped rambling when Carlos held a hand up, wincing in pain, demanding my silence.

"It's not your fault. James I said cruel, and unforgiving things to you. I called you _worthless_. And you're not. James never let anyone tell you you're worthless, especially me. If I say something that stupid again please by all means knock some fucking sense into me, but just wait until I'm healed okay?" Carlos said, very seriously.

"I will never lay a hand on you like again. I refuse to be that person, like what _he_ did to you. I care about you Carlos and this _is_ my fault."

"No! It's not. I ran out, I chased down a serial killer, I went to the bar, and _I_ trusted the wrong person. I was horrible and-" Carlos was cut off by Kendall and Logan running back into the room, they were _obviously_ eavsdropping.

"No, Carlos, none of this is your fault. None of this is _anyone's _fault but that fucking monster's!" Logan said, Carlos winced at the mention of the man.

"Yeah seriously, you guys, stop beating yourselves up. If we keep doing this to ourselves we'll all be screwed. No more _breakdowns _on my part, no more _not eating _Logie. James, yeah you made a mistake but it's too late to change it and you can't go back, so no more _blaming _your self. Carlos just _stop_. You're hurt and we don't care _what _you've done or what's happened as long as you get better. We all love you and we can't get through this if we're all falling apart. United we stand, divided we fall. Fuck." Kendall said.

"Baby you ruined your speech by adding _fuck_ at the end of it." Logan said pecking Kendall on the lips gently.

"Yeah well this is all just-_fuck_!" Everyone laughed a little, even Carlos.

"Yeah I feel ya on that one," I said. I was smiling but it quickly turned into a frown, because Carlos was frowning.

"Guys I know you told me to stop, but I have one more thing to apologize for and then I'm done I swear." Carlos added at the looks his friends were giving him.

"Go ahead, you're going to say it anyways," Kendall said trying to sound annoyed, but he couldn't... this was _Carlos _afterall.

"I lied to you guys. I lied _a lot_. I pretended to be sick that day James found me in the bathroom, puking my Captain Crunch, so I could do research on _him_. I told you guys I had a new friend when I didn't. I was drinking and running off and not getting back until all hours of the night. I was a liar and jerk and I hope someday you can forgive me. I'm so sorry." Carlos had looked down at his hands and started to cry. Logan, Kendall and I all hugged him as gently as we could. Well we actually just touched him, but that was better than nothing. We wanted him to know we were there for him and that we loved him.

_I love you Carlos Garcia_.

"We forgive you," we all said to him. Carlos looked up meeting my eyes. I think I was subconsciously begging him to forgive me too.

"I forgive you." Carlos said looking straight into my eyes. He was saying he forgave me. Forgave me for saying those mean things to him, forgave me for hitting him, forgave me for _loving him_.

"Alright, Carlos it's time. Let's get you wheeled into the operating room." The doctor had showed up effectively ruining the beautiful moment we all were having.

Asshole.

I looked back down at Carlos and he was looking at me with something that looked a lot like _longing_. He looked like he wanted to say something to me, and he opened his mouth to, but the doctor interrupted again.

"Carlos, you still haven't been eating. It's very dangerous at your weight that you're not eating." The doctor said taking notes on his clipboard. Carlos' eyes glazed over and he looked so _dead_.

"I'm not hungry doc." He mumbled. _Not hungry?_ Carlos was skin and bones... how could he not be hungry? I was shocked. I could see his bones clearly, it was scary.

"Carlos you're not eating?" Logan asked incredulously. Mamma Knight, Gustavo, and Kelly had decided to stay with Katie. She still wasn't ready to see Carlos so _hurt_.

"Like I said, I haven't been hungry," Carlos grumbled out. He sounded uphappy at being questioned.

"Okay we'll deal with that after, let's just get you patched up." The doctor said as a nurse started to wheel Carlos out of the room, and down the hall. We all walked with him until we hit the doors that we weren't allowed to go past.

"You can watch through the operating room window. But if you become a distraction you'll have to be escorted back to the waiting room. No butts about it." The doctor started to leave with Carlos but the small boy latched out onto my wrist.

"Wait... James. When I get out of surgery there's something really important I need to tell you okay?" Carlos asked me, looking deep into my eyes. Such beautiful Spanish eyes.

"Yeah, okay." I said and Carlos was wheeled past the doors and out of my line of sight. As Kendall, Logan, and I walked towards the room where we could watch I wondered: what did Carlos want to tell me?

It must be important, I saw the look in his eyes. It meant a lot to him.

Nothing mattered to me anymore. I would be dead soon. As soon as my baby got better I'd be gone. I'm such an awful person.

We all stood watching as Carlos went under the anesthesia. All I saw from that point on was cut, blood, rinse, fix. Cut, blood, rinse, fix. Cut, blood, rinse, beeeeeeppppppppp.

My heart nearly stopped as Carlos heart stopped, it had been an hour into the procedures of working on his ribs, shoulder, and trying to see if there was any internal bleeding. I had no idea what was going on but I started to bang on the glass window, screaming for Carlos. Screaming: CARLOS PLEASE COME BACK!

Logan was sobbing into Kendall's arms and Kendall clenched his eyes shut tightly and buried his head in Logan's hair. I could hear him saying: shhhh, shhhh baby. To Logan trying to calm the hysterical and hiccuping boy in his arms.

It didn't work. Nothing would calm or soothe us at this point. Carlos' heart stopped. I fell to my knees only my nose coming up to the mirror as I hid my soul watching Carlos die. My hands clawing at the glass, as if I could break through, as if I were Superman and I could save the day... save _Carlos_. But Carlos was dying... Five minutes went by and nothing.

Nothing but the steady beat that filled my heart, braing and soul.

Nothing but the steady beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-

**P.S. Another cliff hanger. Why do I do this to you guys? I feel like this chapter was horrible, I really hope it wasn't. That would make me so sad. **

**MyHeroRaven**


	18. I'm Gone

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush**

**A/N: Guys! This is FAR from over. I have this whole story planned out and it's up to 31 chapters, it could be longer. I'm just letting you know, there's more to come. : )**

**Oh and I was planning on doing this but I'm giving credit to the Romeo&Juliet refrence to: HeroSama! Thanks for the refrence, I had the idea but I never thought of it that way... great eye!**

**This isn't beta-d I apologize. I have a reason for it but it's personal so I just hope you'll forgive me. **

**Chapter 18 I'm Gone:**

"Call it." The doctor said. One of the operators stated the time of death and the date before I couldn't take it anymore. I ran blindly from the room, my tears a waterfall down my cheeks.

_Carlos was dead_.

Carlos was dead and there was nothing left. Nothing left for me. No one was there for me anymore. I was _ready_.

I flew down the hall before I passed another operating room, running into it I grabbed a scalpel from one of the metal tables and shoved it into my pocket. I felt it nic my ass as I kept going, looking for a place to be in peace. A place where I could join Carlos.

Everything was gone. We would bury Carlos, we would move back to Minnesota, Kendall would become a hockey player, and Logan would become a doctor.

But what about me? Carlos was all I had. I talk about fame, and my hair, and clothing and all that shit. But none of that matters. FAME doesn't matter when held up next to Carlos. It was like rock, paper, scissors, and Carlos would _always_ come out on top.

Agony sliced through my chest and I dry heaved. He was gone. He was _gone!_ My best friend, the boy I loved was dead. This hurt more than anything, because not only did he not love me, but he would never wake up.

I wish I could take it all back... everything.

"God, please bring him back. I'll stop loving him if you, just bring him _back_." I sobbed.

_I hate my life_.

What good was I? I was worthless. Everyone was right about me. _Selfish, greedy, vain_.

There was nothing left of me. I reached up and ran my fingers through my hair, messing it up purposefully. If I was going to die, I was going to die normal. Nothing _fake_ would mare my death. All pure, like Carlos.

Carlos was just _everything_. Beautiful, incredible, and sweet. My sweet, sweet, Carlos. He was dead.

He didn't deserve to die! He deserved to _live_. I was the one that should be dead, not Carlos. _Never Carlos_.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I couldn't save you. I couldn't do anything, I can never do anything right." I mumbled. The pain was at full force, flowing through my body, so much pain.

Everything was about to bubble over the rim and explode. I had _nothing. _

"NOTHING!" I screamed. The corridor was empty and finally I found an empty room and shut the door behind me. I walked into the bath part of the room and looked into the mirror. A terrible sinking feeling made my stomach drop. Like when you go over a bump too quickly and your stomach fucking _moves_.

I didn't even see myself in the mirror. I saw the face of the man I punched, I saw my fucking _father_. I saw everyone that ever said I wouldn't amount to anything.

They were right. I'm going to bleed to death in an empty hospital room, I'm going to die and hope to God I was good enough in this life to join Carlos in the next.

But I know I've been bad. Carlos is an angel and I'm a demon.

We're not going to the same place.

"I love you buddy." I sobbed. I pulled the blade from my back pocket and eyed it.

I was resolute... everything was resolution. If I resolved myself to die, I would die.

I deserved it. Everyone knows that. The world would be better without me. Everything would be better without me. I'm so fucked up.

Why can't I fix anything? Why can't I make him love me?

'_Because he's dead Jamie. You killed him. Now you have to die."_

You're right _I_ killed Carlos. This was my fault. Oh my God, I was responsible for his death. I drove him away and _hit_ him. It doesn't matter that they forgave me. That he forgave me. The second his heart stopped on that table... everything that mattered flew out the fucking window.

It all came down to this: whether I was more afraid of death... or more afraid of living without Carlos. I was more afraid of life without him. It was scarier. How do four people become three and go on living like it never even mattered.

_CARLOS FUCKING MATTERED! HE ALWAYS DID! ALWAYS WOULD!_

From the time he was younger and was bullied for being hispanic to when Gustavo gave him shit... they were all wrong. Carlos mattered. Carlos was _vital... he was life_.

"You were the best friend I ever had."

_It's time._

**With Kendall And Logan**

Beeeeeeeeeee-

James had just taken off, he left me alone with Logan. Logan who was crying, sobbing sickly into my arms. I was the leader. I was supposed to hold us all together when we wanted so badly to just fall apart.

What was the point in any of this? What was the point in these stupid doctors, in serial killers? In goddamn rapists? What are we doing here... what's the purpose in coming so far and getting Carlos back when he was just going to die in front of us?

'_They raise us up... just so they can watch us fall.'_

Fucking sick. Logie was shaking now, I was holding his weight up because he couldn't do it himself. His knees were buckling beneath him. The whole damn world was buckling beneath all of us. Logie was sick, I was scared, and James was mad.

And Carlos was dead.

Beep... beep... beep.

"He's stabalized... he's alive! This boy was dead for 14 minutes and now he 's alive. Sir how is that possible?" One of the operators asked Coulter in awe.

"It's a miracle." was all the doctor could say. Kendall smiled, a large and true smile for the first time in weeks. Carlos was alive.

"Logie, baby. Carlos is breathing, look." I nudged Logan and made him look through the window. You could see from the monitor that his heart was still beating, that he was still breathing.

"Oh thank God," He sobbed wrapping his arms even tighter around my waist.

"I was so scared, we were going to lose him. We can't lose him. I can't lose a brother Kenny. I can't lose any of you, especially you. I love you so much." Logan cried gripping me, kissing my shoulder and neck sloppily. He clung to me as if he was afraid I woul disapear if he ever let go. But I wasn't going anywhere. I was here to be brave, to be here for my friends. So that when the world raises us up, just to watch us fall... I can grab us and keep us raised. Safe and above the evil. Safe, alive, and whole.

I wouldn't let us fall.

"I love you too Logie, you won't lose any of us. I promise." I looked into the window where the doctors were continuing the operation and all seemed to be going well. They were talking about stopping but if they waited too long the drugs would wear off and they'd just have to do the procedure all over again, so they decided to continue.

"Kendall... where's James?"

_James!_

"We have to find James, Logie he thinks Carlos is dead! He's going to go catatonic! We need to find him!" I took off, Logan close behind me. I _knew_ James. He was going to do something stupid. He loves that boy more than he loves himself, he can't _live_ without Carlos.

If I thought Logan was dead... what would I do. Glancing back into gorgeous, deep brown eyes I knew. James was going to try and kill himself.

How fucking ironic, Romeo and Juliet. _Tragic_.

"Hang on James." I whispered before turning and corridor, running as fast as I could. Logan hot on my heels.

_Hold on._

**With James**

I slammed my fist into the mirror, shattering that cruel man's image, my father's image, and my own image. Effectively shattering myself. I heard the resounding crash, knowing I had to hurry before people came looking for the source of the noise.

Blood ran down my knuckles as I walked to the white hospital bed. Crawling under the scratchy covers. This is where I belonged on my death bed. I gripped the knife tightly and let out a broken sob.

No one could save me now.

I cut deeply into my wrists, matching cuts on both sides. I went numb, the pain of Carlos' death ebbing away, fading. It didn't matter anymore. Maybe I would see him when I died, maybe I was good enough. I shook the thought as my life drained from me.

Carlos... I love you. I have always loved you. I always will. You mean so much to me. And I'm sorry you died. I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm so sorry. I know I have no right asking for your forgiveness. But I hope from heaven you can forgive me. I hope you can look upon me and smile. I'm so sorry.

The knife fell from my hand over the edge of the bed, I think it made a sound but there was nothing but a dull roaring in my head. Like a tsunami threatening to consume me. I could hear some things, my breathing slowing for instance.

My mind... going.

**With Kendall And Logan**

CRASH!

"What was that?" I yelled and turned just in time to see Logan running down a different corridor, following the sound of the crash.

"LOGAN!" I screamed running after my boyfriend.

**With James**

Dying's not so bad. You always think it's going to hurt. Sure I had this sick feeling in my gut and my arms, sickly like you know? I knew I was dying. The crimson liquid covering my arms and spreading onto the perfectly white bed.

Hmmmm... fucked up. Blood of the innocent, ruining everything.

Carlos was innocent. He didn't deserve any of this. And how he's gone.

I could hear screaming, someone hysterical and shouting, and someone crying. I could feel someone's hot tears drip onto my shoulder as someone grabbed me. Gripping tightly.

I looked up and saw Green and brown eyes.

_'I'm Gone.'_

And then I knew no more.

**P.S. Yeah I know I've been updating a lot... don't get used to it [grumbles] you're just lucky I haven't been working. Grrrr... Yeah I know another cliff-hanger. **

**I really think I messed up the emotions on this. I hope I didn't ruin the chapters. I tried to put myself in the depressed position, and wow I'm like REALLY depressed now. Fuck. **

**MyHeroRaven**


	19. No More Elephants

**A/N: I lost myself in life. I lost the true reason I originally started writing this story... to show just how sick the world is and how homophobia is wrong. But I got caught up in life in my own pain. In hearbreak... I try really hard not to open myself up and stay strong... never let anything effect me, show no emotion. I **_**am**_** the Hero, its my job to save you. Not the other way around. I messed up, and I'm sorry. I promise it won't happen again. I promise I'll stay true to this story and all that read it. All that have been through what Carlos has gone through, the survivors and the deceased. This is for you, I'm sorry I lost my way, I'm sorry I was gone for so long, but you were all here to show me the light and bring me back on the right path. **

**I hope you forgive me. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush.**

**Chapter 19 No More Elephants:**

**James' POV**

My eye sight was becoming blurry... shades of pure black were turning to grey and I groaned. My head was _throbbing_. It hurt so damn much. I couldn't remember anything. I rolled over thinking I was in my warm bed at the Palm Woods, before something soft and cool hit me in the face. _That_ woke me up. My eyes flew opened and pain erupted into my arms. I looked down realizing where I was and what I had done.

I had tried to kill myself. _Tried_ being the operative word. But I failed, that meant Carlos was all alone, dead and cold. I wasn't there for him. I hadn't joined him. It broke my heart. Tears began to fill my eyes, and I lifted my pained arms up so that I could cover my face with my hands.

Sobs wracked my aching body. I had failed, I couldn't do anything right... I couldn't even _die_ right.

"Oh Carlos I'm so sorry." I breathed out.

"You fucking should be... idiot..." my eyes shot opened and my head snapped to the right. There was Carlos, alive. Albeit, _pissed_... but very much alive.

"Carlos..."

"Don't _Carlos_ me. You're so stupid, don't ever do that again!" Carlos yelled, crying as he leaned into Logan's side. The smart boy had been sitting in a chair by Carlos stroking his dishevelled hair. Kendall was standing in the corner looking at me, just staring. His eyes looked hollow, _hurt_.

"Do what?" I asked coming back to Carlos' just as dead eyes. Forcing myself not to stare at his chest... just to be _sure_ he was breathing.

"Almost die." I had never seen Carlos look so serious. It was as if he was testing me, waiting to see if I was going to slit my throat next... the idea was still buried deep, imbedded in my brain. But I wouldn't say a word about it. I was supposed to suffer. Because now, not _only_ had I hurt Carlos and drove him away but by trying to kill myself I hurt him AGAIN and Logan and Kendall as well.

I was good at hurting people. I needed to focus; I could tell I was on pain meds as I looked down at my stitched and bandaged arms. A small part of me was glad I was still in pain. I deserved it.

"Ha right back atcha sport... except you _did_ die." I said, trying to make a joke out of a something gravely serious. Carlos looked sad for a second before looking down at his hands and mumbling bitterly:

"Well now we're even." We weren't even... we would never ever even be _close_ to even. I had fucked up so bad, and each step I was taking was pulling me farther away, and just hurting everyone around me more and more. How could I even think about trying to be with Carlos and taking care of him when I couldn't even take care of myself.

How could I save him when I couldn't even save myself?

"Stop that!" I looked up and faced steely green eyes. _Mad_ green eyes. Kendall was looking pissed. I didn't understand why though.

"Stop what?" I asked, genuinely curious as to what had Mr. Calm, Cool, and Collected so pissed off. Not that anything really _mattered_ anymore. I'm such a screw up-

"That! That pitying you're doing inside your fucking head James. I can see it. I can see you beating yourself up over this. You had no idea that Carlos was alive and you were in shock, mad with grief. But as you can see, Carlos _is_ alive. So there's no need to keep berating yourself over anything. We talked about this already. Yes bad things happened, yes bad things may happen in the future, and honestly Carlos isn't out of the woods yet. He still might die. I'm not going to sugarcoat any of this. The truth is the truth. I'm sorry but you might die Carlos."

Carlos just nodded in understanding as he leaned further into Logan. Logan's arms wrapped protectively around Carlos and the smart boy pressed a gentle kiss into the Latino's disheveled, grown out hair. Carlos sighed and turned towards Logan pressing his nose into the small boy's neck. Kendall continued.

"But that's the worst case scenario and even _if_ that does happen we'll get through this. We'll stay strong and make it through this. But that can't happen if you don't pull yourself together Jamie. We all need you, and Carlos needs you. So stop being pathetic and suicidal and feeling so goddamn _sorry_ for yourself and grow a set." Kendall's rant stopped and I could feel my mouth hanging open in amazement and maybe that was shame? Nah... well... maybe just a _little_.

_Dammmnnn... Kendaalllll._

"See? No more elephants in the room!" Logan said smirking at Kendall.

Those two, I swear...

"Kendall's right James. I can't do this by myself and I can't bare it at all if I think you're going to jump of a building the next chance you get. So I need you to do me favor. I have no right to ask you this but-"

"Just ask, please?" I said waiting to hear what the broken boy was about to say.

"Stay."

"What? What do you mean?" I asked. What did he mean... _stay?_

"I'm asking you to stay... stay here on this Earth. With us. With your family and friends. With me. Please just stay for me Jamie... I can't do this without you."

At that moment I froze. Could I do this? Could I stay for him? He didn't love me. I _know_ he didn't but he was so hurt. I'm so selfish... I almost left not only Carlos but Kenny and Logie. They would have been all alone. I don't know if I belong here, but I'm gonna try and find out. For them... for my family. For _Carlos_.

"Yeah... I'll stay Carlos."

"Promise Jamie?"

I took a breath.

"I promise."

Carlos smiled... he _actually_ smiled.

"So where do we stand now?" I asked looking at the others.

"Well your arms and nerves are pretty fucked up man. You cut so deep. There was so much blood. I thought for sure you were dead. It was like Romeo and Juliet... ironic. But I mean you did die, but yeah well you're not now." Kendall tried to joke.

"_Obviously."_ Logan spat sarcastically. Kendall's head whipped so hard in Logan's direction I heard it crack. Logan _never_ snapped at Kendall like that. What the hell?

"Problem baby?" Logan snorted derisively before looking away. Carlos nudged him in his side which Logan promptly ignored. After a second though Logan turned around and gripped Carlos tightly, almost as if he were afraid that he would disappear.

"Yeah... I do have a problem actually." he snarled. After a few long moments of silence Kendall asked:

"Wanna share it with the other people in the room Logie?" His grip on Carlos seemed to be getting tighter. His breathing was becoming ragged as he tried to keep his rage in check.

"I'm angry! I'm pissed that all this bullshit has happened. That everything got this bad. Carlos getting hurt by that monster, Carlos _dying_, _James_ dying! James being depressed Carlos still being hurt and possibly dying... _again!_ For good this time, and here you are up in here making goddamn Romeo and Juliet jokes. Really! You're being such a dick right now!" Logan fumed.

Kendall moved forward and reached out for Logan in worry. He never made it.

"Fuck off Knight! Don't! Don't touch me!" he spat viciously, squeezing Carlos terrified as if afraid Kendall would hit him. Which was ridiculous of course, but showed just how _upset _the smart boy was. This wasn't just him being bitchy. There was something really bothering Logan.

"Logan please... you're hurting me!" Carlos cried out feeling his obliterated ribs screaming in protest at Logan's rough, subconscious, treatment. But Logan was letting go, if anything his grip was tightening. He was going to damage Carlos even more!

"This isn't fair! He just came into our lives and ruined everything... ruined Carlos. He's a monster... a fucking monster. And he, he almost killed you!" Logan said turning towards Carlos looking at the boy in horror his manic eyes filling with tears.

"I'm so scared... So scared right now. I don't want anyone to die. I want everything to be okay. Things like this just don't happen! They just don't _happen_." I saw that Kendall was about to grab Logan and pry him off of Carlos who was starting to black out. A trickle of blood dribbled from the Latino's mouth and that was it for me. I was across the room shoving Logan to the floor and cradling Carlos in my arms, quietly shushing his sobs. I glared at the genius.

"Kendall... Logan needs to leave the room now. I know he didn't mean it but he needs to cool down. Now." My voice left no room for negotiation and I barely noticed as a shaking and crying Logan was led from the room by Kendall. All I was worried about was Carlos.

"Shhh it's okay Carlos. I'm going to call the nurse and you're going to be okay. Shhh." I pressed the call button and continued holding Carlos pressing small kisses to his head, anything to calm the sobbing and quivering boy in my arms.

"It's not Logan's fault... he didn't mean it. Tell him it's oka-okay. Tell him I'm-m not mad. Pl- please James. I don't want anyone sad." Carlos said. He sounded so child-like. So scared. It made my heart clench painfully and I started to cry aloud with Carlos. And for a moment we were one, two boys: broken, hurt, empty coming together in our pain.

"My lord! you're bleeding everywhere!" I hear the shrill shriek of the crazy nurse. I looked down and realized I had ripped my stitches and I was bleeding through my bandages. There was a lot of blood but I didn't feel any pain, I was so worried about Carlos I didn't even notice something that should have been excruciating.

Before I knew it I was being pulled off of Carlos and being shoved into my own bed. I looked down as another nurse came in and swore loudly, turning on her heel and immediately leaving the room. She returned shortly while the first nurse took care of Carlos.

When the new nurse came back she brought sutures and started to clean, stitch, and re-bandage my arms. Man none of us could get a break.

I looked over at Carlos. Doctor Coulter had come in and I looked down realizing that Carlos had passed out. The doctor glanced at me before speaking.

"Don't worry the pain meds knocked him out. He's due for another go at surgery later today. The blood from his mouth was from tearing inside of him. But it's alright we'll be all to repair it when we try again with his ribs and the internal bleeding."

"But he could still die?"

"Yes, it's a possiblity. But you have to be positive. You have to believe your friend will be okay and will make a full recovery. You can't think bad thoughts, it's not going to help anyone. Do you understand?"

I thought about it...

"Yeah Doc. I understand." I gave him a small smile as I started to get sleepy. The nurse was finished with my bandages and I realized she had gived me morphine. I was going to pass out.

My thoughts trailed off to what Carlos had said before his first surgery. He said he needed to tell me something important... what was it? My mind was getting blurrier.

What did Carlos want to say to me... what did he mean?

_"Wait... James. When I get out of surgery there's something really important I need to tell you okay?"_

Darkness consumed me.

**P.S. OOOOKay so did anyone else see that I subconsciously threw in Cargan? Anyone? 0 .o Sorry my bad but that's my all time FAVORITE BTR pairing. SO yeah... Jarlos isn't even my SECOND favorite pairing. How did this become a Jarlos? HOW? I don't even know. Okay I'm done ranting. **

**Enjoy the Jarlos now, because when this story ends my next big story will be Cargan. **

**P.S.S I was also on Vacation for a week, and a friend of mine passed away. RIP William. **

**MyHeroRaven**


	20. I'll Make You Forget Sweetheart

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush.**

**Chapter 20 I'll Make You Forget Sweetheart:**

**Kendall's POV**

I was dragging the smaller boy along the corridors, I could still hear him whimpering. I could feel him shaking. Like the whisper of sobs that were once present. But now it had faded.

I couldn't even _begin_ to fathom why he was acting up so badly. Why from day one of the incident he had been freaking out. I could guess though.

He was stressed. We all were. We were all tired, worried, and scared. Tired because sleep had become a thing of the past... a pure memory that we had yet been able to return to. Worry... we were worried. Worried about Carlos' upcoming surgery, worried that he would die, worried that, that man would escape. Worried that our world was going to change forever... fuck maybe it already had. And scared... we were terrified of this man. We hated him. I wanted him dead. If I ever got my hands on him I'd kill him, James would too. I don't know what Logan would do at this point... because honestly my boyfriend has become a complete stranger.

Logan... who's Logan?

I didn't even glance at the boy in my grip as I shoved him roughly into the bathroom before following in and locking the door behind us. I watched as he stumbled and tried to right himself before crumbling. It was like he wanted to stand tall and face me but he just gave up. He knew he was in for it. He knew we were going to face this and there was no hiding, no turning back.

I looked as his shaking prone form on the floor. He had lost weight again. He hadn't been eating... _again_. Man this shit is getting so fucking old. I'm _sick _of it. After staring and listening to him mumble for about four minutes I got bored. I stalked over to the small boy and gripped his arm tight... probably tight enough to bruise. But I just couldn't bring myself to care at the moment.

I pulled him harshly to his feet and spun him around, so that he was facing me. Walking forward I effectively backed him into the sink. Pinning his wrists to his side. His brown eyes were wide with fear and resignation. He probably thought the worst was going to happen. His lips were plastered in a downward frown... a set line. He just kept staring at me wavering until he bit his lip and broke the eye contact, looking down at his feet.

I'm not going to lie but a part of me was completely turned on by this helpless submissive boy before me. But now was not the time for that, honestly? There may never be a time for that ever again. I was questioning my relationship with him almost as much as I was questioning his sanity. He knew it too; he could see it in my eyes... almost hear the words written on my lips.

_It's over_.

But I wouldn't speak them until I figured out what was _really_ going on. Maybe this would be the end of us... but I'm not a cruel person. I want to give Logan the chance to explain. But my heart was already hurting, bruising, at the idea that I might have to leave him. Because the way he is now is hurting me so much I'm in agony. It's not that I wouldn't still love him... it's just that I wouldn't be able to handle the hurt. My stomach was in knots as I thought of my next step.

I guess I could just be forward...

"Why?"

It was one word, one simple words, easy to spell, easy to define, but everything that would follow would forever hold so much meaning.

"Why what?" He cried. He still wouldn't look me in the eyes. So I moved until my chest was pressed against his, forcing his chin up to look at me. There were tears in his beautiful eyes and they were red-rimmed. Like he'd smoked too much pot in too short a period of time. I sighed.

"Don't play stupid Logan... you suck at it."

"What do you want to know?" he asked me.

"I want to know what's going on in your head... why are you constantly biting me in the ass, why are you freaking out, and why for the love of God did you stop eating again?"

He shook his head his chin brushing against my check and neck. I could tell he wanted to bury is there but I would not allow him that luxury.

"Come on Logie... let me in."

He finally looked at me... and I mean _really_ looked at me. And it was as if the whole world dropped away... or was about to explode or something... it was the calm before the storm. And I had forgotten my umbrella.

"It should have been me." Just a whisper, but I heard every word and my breath hitched. My heart flew into my throat and pushed up out my mouth until it was hovering between me and the love of my life. I watched my heart explode as I heard what I thought I had heard.

"It should have been me, he should have taken me. That Daniel guy."

And then I _died_.

"What? Logan how can you say that? You want us all worried to death over you? You want to be completely broken? You want to be in a position where you were so alone for so long? What you want the attention or something?" I was getting mad. I was already sad... and heart-broken but anger was welling up inside me... threatening to break free.

"No! Of course I don't want the attention... it's just..."

"Just what Logan?"

"It's just that I deserve what happened more than Carlos. Carlos was innocent. I'm not. I haven't been for a long time. I'm not a virgin. You know that after what I've been through in my life what happened to Carlos would have been a walk in the park for me. I could have bounced back... I would have been alright. But Carlos? Carlos won't... he may never be alright again. And not only does that hurt you and me. But it also hurts James. Kendall... it's _killing_ James. Don't you see his eyes? They're not even _his_ anymore. It's just logical for it to have been me." He finished lamely.

I didn't even know what to say. I was in shock. He had obviously put a lot of thought into this. A lot of time into regrets and things he would never be able to change and it was making him sick. He was floating in this fucked up fantasy. So I needed to bring him back down to reality.

So I kissed him. Hard... I bit into his lower lips while he stood there in shock. I lifted my long arms and ran my hands through his hair, thoroughly messing it up. Bits of dried up gel stuck to my fingers, but I didn't care. All I cared about in the whole world was standing before me telling me that he should have been kidnapped, tortured, and raped. I wanted to kiss the stupid right out of him. I wanted to make him better.

I moved my hands down to his neck squeezing gently before gliding down over his chest and his sides. I teased the hem of his t-shirt. Lifting and droping, lifting and droping. Like a broken record.

I felt him moan into my mouth as I deepened the kiss. I felt his tongue shyly reach out to meet mine. And I felt him relax.

But it didn't last long.

Small hands reached up and pushed harshly on my chest, effectively making me stumble back a few steps.

"No! Kendall... we can't do that now, and here. We can't do this while Carlos and James lay in hospital beds. We just _can't_!"

I smirked... the kind of smirk that made shivers crawl up his spine and would cause that adorable half-smile that gave me butterflies. But he didn't smile. But that didn't stop me. I moved forward slowly, before reaching out for his hips and pressing mine firmly into his.

"Yes we can... let me make you forget. I'll make you forget sweetheart." I gently nuzzled my face into his neck and I felt him come undone in my hands.

"I'll make you forget."

He practically attacked my mouth as he kissed me roughly. Shoving his tongue down my throat. Logan liked to dominant from time to time... he was good at it. Should do it more often. But he would not be dominant today... this was about him, not me. His needs... not mine. I needed _my_ Logan back... not this imposter that was walking around in his skin.

I grabbed his wrists and flipped him around... so that he was looking into the mirror, back into my lust-riddled eyes. I smashed his wrists against the glass and heard him groan in appreciation.

"Mhhh you always liked it rough didn't you Logie? Are you my dirty little boy?" I asked running my free hand down his front before unbuttoning his pants and slipping my hand into his boxers palming him roughly. He keened deeply before moaning my name.

"I asked you a question baby... are you my little slut?" I stopped rubbing and heard him gasp and cry out from the loss.

"Yes... God yes Kenny. Please I need you so bad... your baby needs you!" He cried out arching against my body as I continued my minstrations on his cock. It had hardened nicely in my hand and he was a withering beneath me, squirming and gasping. The most delicious noises falling from his lips. His body was so close to crumbling but I pulled away. His head dropped in irritation.

I smirked before flipping him around so that he was facing me. I teasingly pulled his shirt up and over his head, watching as his hair ruffled cutely. I took the time to slowly drop to my knees before my lover. He looked down at me... brown eyes transforming to almost black, blown wide. Slightly swollen lips, from my abuse, parted and small pants coming out of the boy. It was truly a sight to behold. And as I let my eyes roam over the well developed chest and abs I couldn't help myself to taste it. I leaned forward and started to dip my tongue into the lines that defined his abs and sucked lightly. I looked up through my lashes to see Logan's head thrown back and small cries coming from his mouth.

"God you're so hot." I mumbled before working at his pants.

I pulled the zipped down slowly. Gripping the hem I pulled down, exposing red boxers, until they reached his ankles. I reached around and slapped his ass harshly making him step out of the clothing before I threw it in some random direction.

Wasting no time I moved forward and began to mouth at his thick dick. I was lapping at a wet spot, stained with pre-cum when me moaned my name. Made me so fucking hard.

"Ngh fuck! Kendall!"

I kept sucking through the fabric hoping to hear more of the noises my dirty baby was making. God whenever I got him like this it was incredibly hot. He was so vulnerable and call me sick... but that turned me on so bad.

I was tired of teasing though... we didn't have a lot of time. Someone could come looking for us and I wanted to make him cum before that happened. I wanted to make him happy. Make him forget.

I reached for his boxers and pulled them down, slowly exposing his milky thighs to my lustful eyes. After he stepped out of the boxers and they joined the pants I eyes his erection. It was proud standing out from his body at 8 inches or so. He wasn't as thick as me but I wasn't as long as him. That's why it was fun for him to top because he could go in deeper than I could.

I gripped his dick around the base and started to pump. I pulled back and spit on the dick stalk before engulfing the head and swirling my tongue around the slit.

"Oh God please Kenny no teasing it feels sooo goood." Logan moaned.

"You like this? You like me sucking your cock you fucking slut?" I asked. Logan loved dirty talk and groaned his appreciation as I began to deep throat him. My hands reached around and slapped his perfect ass causing him to cry out loudly. I loved when he was loud.

"Yes yes yes! Please more... " I felt his hand tugging in my blonde locks as he pushed my head on his cock again and again roughly fucking my mouth. I gripped his small hips... digging moon-like crescents into the skin with my nails. He would definitely be bruised after this. I liked leaving marks on his body though. Because he was mine and no one else's.

After bobbing for a while and being shoved down onto his dick Logan's hips started to spasm and I knew he was close.

"Kenny... I'm going cum." he moaned before pushing my head as hard as he could onto his cock. I felt him fill my mouth and I realized I had to start swallowing or I was going to get it everywhere. I gulped down what he had to offer, swallowing thickly. I felt his cum slid into my stomach, making me feel a little full. But it was good. I liked swallowing. I loved tasting him.

I pulled back and gave a soft kiss to his softening dick before going to retrieve his clothing. He stood there panting as I handed him the clothes and he slowly dressed. After he was clothed he pulled me into him and kissed me sweetly. Our tongues mingled and I knew he could taste himself.

"Thanks Kenny... I'm... I'm sorry about all this. I just sort of lost my head there for a while." I sighed in relief... so thankful that Logan was back. That he was okay and that I didn't have to leave him. That it wasn't going to hurt anymore.

"It's alright baby... just don't... don't say 'it should have been you' ever again okay?"

"I promise... I'm sorry Kendall I just."

"Shhhh." I pulled him into my arms and just held him. This was so hard on him. He had always been really close to Carlos... it was like a piece of him was taken when Carlos was. I didn't want him upset anymore. But I couldn't do anything about the situation.

"Let's just get back. I'm tired, I'm sure you're tired we just need to get some sleep and deal with tomorrow when it gets here. Okay hon?"

"Yeah... that's sounds like a good idea." He smiled that crooked smile, that had been absent for so long. And as we made our way back to the room I couldn't help but think that maybe... just _maybe_ everything would be okay.

**P.S. Okay uhm... so how did that porn get there?**

**Ha whhoopps. Anyway I'm going to work on the next chapter tomorrow... possibly... maybe? I've been busy. But I'll do my best. I really hope this didn't suck. I'm not good at sex scenes. **

**Okay and as for Kendall being a little... different. I was just trying to show that it's taking a toll on Kendall too... that it's hard for everyone and everyone's acting a little out of character. James is getting morbidly depressed, Logan's blaming himself and saying how it should have been him, Carlos' mental health is waning, and Kendall is in pain from watching everyone esle. He wouldn't have been able to stay with Logan just to watch the boy destroy himself you know? I hope he wasn't too OOC. I really try to write as close as I can to the actual characters. **

**I apologizse if I failed. **

**MyHeroRaven**


	21. Horror & Honey

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush.**

**Chapter 21 Horror & Honey:**

**A/N My best friend has gone missing. No one's seen him, no one's heard from him. His phone's been disconnected. I'm afraid he was kidnapped. He was assualted (possible sexually) by a couple of cops a few weeks ago and the day before he vanished he was talking about suing them... and now he's gone. I'm freaking out, but there's nothing I can do at this point. I just need to breathe. Freaking out isn't going to save Brandon. I'm shaking right now so bad. I'm terrified for him. I promised to always protect my friends... protect **_**him**_**. I'm the Hero. It's my job to find him and bring him back home safe. I really hope this is a bad joke, because I've been in bad situations before and let me tell you... they are no fun. And I feel like I'm about to be in another. I feel like I always look at the worst possible outcome, my friends are like... he's probably fine, stop worrying. Well if I don't worry about him...then who will? I'm not going to sit around and wait and hope that he isn't dead. Or worse. And I know you guys feel the same way. I've talked to all of you and everyone of us have huge hearts... we wouldn't just let a friend go, or take a chance that he **_**might**_** be okay. I know you guys back me up. I find that people that write or read will ALWAYS think of the worst case scenario... because we read it, we write it. You're reading the worst case scenario right now. But if the worst case scenario is the case don't worry. I can handle myself. I'm Superman, nothing can touch me. I won't stop writing this, because every story deserves an ending. I just want to make sure Brandon gets his first. I'll keep you updated on him as the story progresses. I really just hope he's okay. Love you all. I'm sorry. **

_"There's got to be another way  
To get this off my chest  
For with every breath I heave  
I feel it will be my last."_

Fog rolled in, like the calm before the storm. But it wasn't calm... and the storm was already upon me. Suffocating, the stench of death strong, filling my senses. I couldn't escape. He was going to finish me.

I was a goner.

"Come out, come out little Carlos."

That voice... so deadly and powerful. _Toying_ with me. Terrifying me. It was like I was spinning around and around... like a fucked up merry-go-round. And I was trapped, locked into this ride from Hell and I couldn't get off.

It made me almost scream. But he was looking for me. I couldn't make a sound... I had to be silent. After all... I didn't even exist.

But he did. He had always existed... whether it was in flesh he made his existence or in my own fucked up head... he existed. He was here. And I was one step away from pain, melancholy, and death.

But it was nothing new, maybe I should just let him take me... take me away. And together we can live in our own abusive world of sadism and destruction. But that would never work... because he didn't want to just use me. He wanted me dead. Wanted to feel my body go cold under his obscenely large, intrusive, hands.

I was never going to get out of here. I looked to my left and saw a long, dirty corridor. And I looked to my left and saw a long, clean corridor. Heavy footsteps were soon approaching, I had to choose a path. I chose the dirty corridor... because that's what I was... dirty right?

Running as fast and quietly as I could I tore down the hallway. Passing gruesome faces of the damned and dead. Slithery whispers were crawling in my head, through my skull, eating my brain. Like a centipede. Like the devil.

The sound of water dripping off of pipes, and rats scurrying around my feet, pushing me farther into the darkness. And here I was back where I started... in a world that I never belonged. Because I was good... the good guy. At... least... I thought I was.

Everything was spinning again, and I was back on this merry-go-round called _life._

_Stop the world... I wanna get off. _

The footsteps were getting closer; I was so scared that I broke through a door, shutting it behind me. I closed my eyes and listened as the man came and went. Breathing a sigh of relief I turned and nearly screamed. I was face to face with Adam Banks... the dead boy. The other one he killed.

"You're supposed to be dead." I said, my breath ragged and my chest heaving.

"So are you." he responded. His voice was hollow; there was no _soul_ to it. Just death in every breath.

"Bu-But I'm no dead. Am I?" I asked hesitantly.

"You will be he's coming. This is a battle you cannot win Carlos. You will fall, like the boys from before... like I fell. You will _fall_."

"No. No! I'm not going out like that! I'm not going to die!"

"You will... and they won't care. They're going to be happy you're dead. You've been such a burden to them. For too long you've filled their lives with misery and woe. Never good enough."

"Who are 'they'?" I asked... my chest constricted painfully, praying 'they' weren't who I thought they were.

"Your friends. They want you dead. Think about it... Kendall and Logan would be happier. Your _situation_ is taking a huge toll on them and their relationship. Don't you see how aggravated Kendall is? Don't you see the dark bags under his eyes? And what about Logan?

He's losing it bad... you saw him. He wants you gone so bad he squeezed you until you screamed and cried. He _hates _you. And don't even get me started on James." Adam trailed off listlessly.

"What about James?" I asked, feeling so young and scared. He was right. About the bags...about Logan hurting me. He was right.

"He wants you dead. He would never love a faggot."

"But you're gay too!" I said desperately.

"At least I'm not a failure on top of that... tell me Carlos what have you ever done that's good?"

"I... I make my friends laugh, and I'm there for them, and I love them!"

"They don't love you."

"Yes they do!"

"No... They never did, never will. You'll die alone."

"NO!" Adam vanished as a familiar cold voice washed over my skin, making goose bumps pop along my body.

"Hello Carlos. Miss me?" He chuckled.

"What do you want?" I asked turning and backing up slowly.

"You... I've always wanted you."

"Well you can't have me... I won't let you hurt me again."

"Oh but what you want and what you will and will not allow does not matter. I will have you. Because you were always mine to take."

"No... I don't belong to anyone. I don't want this!" I was close to crying, but I was trying to hold it all in. Be brave.

He stepped over to me grabbing my body and roughly turning me, shoving me against a chain link fence that seemingly just appeared out of nowhere. His hands sliding down my side, rubbing my already vandalized body. My face was smashed against the fence, pressing, stabbing into my skin. My cheekbone and jaw were beginning to hurt; I knew there would be bruises.

There were always bruises.

He reached up with one hand and trapped both my wrists above my head. I tried to struggle but his grip was firm and would not give.

I was never going to be strong enough to escape this madman.

"Shhhh," He whispered as I let out a pathetic whimper.

"It's okay baby, I'll take real good care of you." I altered my face and looked through the fence. I saw Adam standing there. Just standing there, not helping me, and looking at me with something akin to pity.

"Please! Help me! You can save me!"

"No... I can't. I couldn't even save myself." To my horror Blood started to pour from his chest and he turned to walk away from me. Those dead eyes, and as he turned I saw the seat of his pants were stained with blood as well. He was just a child.

I was just a child, scared and terrified of this bogey-man, that wouldn't stop until he had consumed my soul.

Adam vanished and I saw my friends, all of them standing on the other side of chain link fence. Just watching as this man touched me, fingers slipping beneath my pants and boxers fondling me, making me sick to my stomach. They stared as he bit my neck making my restricted hands shake and grip the fence so tightly they bled. They just stared as he pushed my pants and underwear down till they bunched around my thighs and he guided his cock to my abused hole. Pushing his hot dark pain deep within me, sticky and making my tummy flip over. And my friends just stood there and watched. Pity and sadness taking over their features.

But they just stood there... they could have saved me... but they didn't. Just stood there.

"You'll never escape me... this is just the beginning. You've got to wake up Carlos, your death is at hand. Wake up honey... WAKE UP!"

**(LINE BREAK)**

"Carlos! Honey! Wake up! Come on hon wake up!" Kendall tried to shake him awake as gently as he could. But he wasn't responding. Finally with a harsh shove to Carlos' uninjured shoulder he jerked awake, crying out loudly from the pain in his sides.

"Hey, hey it's okay, calm down. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." he said reaching up and pushing Carlos' bangs out of his eyes. He was sweating bad... whatever kind of dream Kendall had just pulled him from must have been terrible.

"Kendall?"

"Yeah buddy I'm here."

"Oh God... it was awful." Kendall watched as Carlos started to cry, his chest heaving painfully. No one noticed as Logan slipped from the room... he had his own mission to accomplish.

"Come on buddy, deep breaths. You're going to hurt yourself if you don't calm down and then they're going to put you out again like they did to James."

"James?" Carlos asked in such a small voice it had Kendall's heart breaking. Carlos looked over to the unconscious pretty boy sleeping a few feet away from him. There was sadness on Carlos' face as well as pain. But it was more of an emotional pain than a physical one.

Kendall was at a loss of what to do... some leader he was. He needed to be able to help Carlos. Because if he couldn't even help one of his best friends... then what good was he?

"Shhhh Carlos, it was just a dream, just a bad, bad dream." Kendall said holding one of his hands and gently touching the Latino's face. He felt as the small boy shook in his arms. His grip tightening around his friend.

"It was just a dream." Carlos stopped crying and took in a huge breath before looking at Kendall, his eyes so breathtakingly sad.

"No Kendall... it wasn't."

Kendall's heart fell out of his chest and landed roughly into his stomach. Carlos was right... it _wasn't_ a dream for Carlos. He had actually lived it. Experienceda Hell that none of the other boys had ever seen and survived a hell that no one before Carlos ever had. It was horrible just to think about. Carlos was always such a happy guy, and to think that he was abused and tormented that badly, like a butterfly... stuck, pinned to death, made Kendall's blood boil and his head hurt.

"Carlos..." Kendall said so seriously that the kid looked up into his friend's green eyes, so broken and hopeless.

"Carlos... we're going to get through this. Together. You, me, James and Logan. We're going to help you overcome this. I promise buddy." Remembering his dream Carlos gently pulled his hand from Kendall's.

"No... you guys won't. You're just going to stand by and watch me burn." The devastation in Carlos' eyes caused Kendall to cry out in agony and grab the hand that had abandoned him.

"No! NO! We are not going to stand anywhere and watch anything bad happen to you! Best friends stick together! And that's exactly what we're going to do. Whatever you've been through we'll be here to help you... we'll do whatever it takes to help make you heal and feel safe again. I swear it on my life Carlos... I'm not going to leave you. And James and Logan won't either."

"You promise?" The look Kendall received was that of a small child, just wanting to be sure all the monsters under his bed were really gone. It was tragic.

"I promise." Carlos immediately relaxed back into his bed as Kendall started to gently stroke his hair, knowing it would calm him. Carlos yawned and looked up at Kendall as he started to fall asleep. A small smile crept onto the Latino's face, a memory of a happiness that once was.

"Hey Kendall?"

"Yeah?"

"Honey?"

"Shut up

**P.S. There is much more darkness to come... I'm not done playing with little Carlos. Not quite yet anyway... there's a lot more pain to come. Sorry if that scared anyone shitless. **

**I feel like this sucked. But maybe it's because I wrote it... you can't really judge something you write yourself. It's hard to make a clear judgement. Hope I did you proud. **

**MyHeroRaven**


	22. The Road Ahead

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush.**

**Still haven't found Brandon.**

**A lot of the information you are about to see was taken from the internet and my own personal ****experiences****. If you don't agree just let me know. I don't own the information Logan is looking up. I also put it in quotes... I don't think I have to any more ****referencing****, I'm just using the information to sort of show you what Logan is looking up. Just to get into his head. I know having facts in this may not be everyone's cup of tea... but to each their own. And this is the ONLY chapter that will have stuff like this. The next chapter we are back with Carlos... and dealing with some unexpected... drama. **

**Chapter 22 The Road Ahead:**

And he's leaving the hospital, walking away. Almost like how he walked away from his past. Like how he almost walked away from _him._ But it's not about that. He knows that. He knows that instead of walking away from something he's walking towards it. Towards a greater purpose. Towards helping his friend. This is about his brother. He needs to wake up and do the right thing. _Anything_ to save him.

There's something to be said about a friendship that has lasted as long as theirs. Something to be said about brothers... who refuse to give up on one another. When one is weak the others shall be strong. When one has fallen his brothers will lay him in respects.

After all... there's something to be said about a bond. (1)

He moves quickly towards his car, pushing the key into the lock with such precision it took less than a second. Yanking open the door he situates himself and begins his journey. Soon after leaving the hospital he realizes that the beeping he's hearing is because he hasn't fastened his seat belt.

But the once safe boy couldn't bring himself to care.

He knew how to drive; he wasn't going to crash. He had more important things to worry about than unbuckled seat belts.

He had _him_ to worry about. Friendship above all other things. Love for his friend _ruled anything _he was thinking at the moment.

He thought about turning the radio on but it was useless, and would provide an unneeded distraction. And odly enough, even though he was alone there was an elephant in the car... and honestly... ? Logan was so sick of elephants he hoped they would become extinct.

But they weren't... and he wouldn't talk about that elephant.

Like a stone in his heart the pain he bared for his friend would not lift. Would not let him rest... let him be. It was like watching a car wreck... finding Carlos broken in that basement. Only instead of just watching it Carlos had _been _through it. So much pain. He had never seen someone suffer so much and still be alive. His physical injuries alone were... horrific.

But the scars on his mind will be far worse... he knows this. That's why he's in the car. That's why he left his boyfriend and friends back at the hospital.

They needed to be ready to deal with Carlos... to _save him_.

Hitting a pot hole slipped him back to his senses as he made a left and pulled into one of the large public library parking spaces.

_Home Sweet Home_.

This was where he belonged... a lot of the times he wondered why he had such great friends and such an incredible boyfriend... when all he was destined for was sitting behind the dusty stacks, learning and learning and learning... and using none of that knowledge.

But all the knowledge in the world doesn't mean a thing to him... if it means knowing alone. And he would be alone. He hated thinking that way... but sometimes he just couldn't help it. It was like he was standing in a room full of people... screaming and screaming... tears cascading from chocolate brown eyes, his small body shaking, and no one could hear him. No one but the books... they would whisper their words into his ears... making him feel even more alone. Because he didn't even have books anymore.

He was a _popstar_ now.

Everything is just overwhelming now... once Carlos heals and things calm down... he'd feel better. He'd be back to his old self.

Stepping out of the car and shaking himself of the doubts and insecurities that plauged his evolved mind he locked the car and made his way up the marble steps and into the enormous building.

It was a sight for sore eyes... being in a library again. Being around the reason that got him into wanting to be a doctor... wanting to learn more all the time. _Knowledge_.

"Let's hope it can save us this time." He mumbled before walking towards the back of the building. He needed to look up crime, sexual assault, _rape, molestation_, and serial killers. Things that Logan, for once, had no interest in learning about.

But he had to, so with strengthened resolve he started pulling books that looked helpful down from the shelves and found a corner to sit and immerse himself in the words on the page.

"Child sexual abuse is a form of child abuse in which an adult or older adolescent uses a child for sexual stimulation. Forms of child sexual abuse include asking or pressuring a child to engage in sexual activities (regardless of the outcome), indecent exposure of the genitals to a child, displaying pornography to a child, actual sexual contact against a child, physical contact with the child's genitals (except in certain non-sexual contexts such as a medical exam), viewing of the child's genitalia for the purpose of sexual gratification, or using a child to produce child pornography.

The effects of child sexual abuse include depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, propensity to further victimization in adulthood, and physical injury to the child, among other problems. Sexual abuse by a family member is a form of incest and can result in more serious and long-term psychological trauma especially in the case of parental incest.

In North America, for example, approximately 15% to 25% of women and 5% to 15% of men were sexually abused when they were children. Most sexual abuse offenders are acquainted with their victims; approximately 30% are relatives of the child, most often brothers, fathers, uncles or cousins; around 60% are other acquaintances such as 'friends' of the family, babysitters, or neighbors; strangers are the offenders in approximately 10% of child sexual abuse cases. Most child sexual abuse is committed by men; studies show that women commit 14% to 40% of offenses reported against boys and 6% of offenses reported against girl. Most offenders who sexually abuse prepubescent children are pedophiles although some offenders do not meet the clinical diagnosis standards for pedophilia.

Under the law, "child sexual abuse" is an umbrella term describing criminal and civil offenses in which an adult engages in sexual activity with a minor or exploits a minor for the purpose of sexual gratification. The American Psychiatric Association states that "children cannot consent to sexual activity with adults", and condemns any such action by an adult: "An adult who engages in sexual activity with a child is performing a criminal and immoral act which never can be considered normal or socially acceptable behavior."

Incest didn't apply with Carlos. Logan knew he could skip those parts. But all the effects of what that monster did to him was scary. PTSD, depression, and anxiety. Plus who knows what's really going on in his head. Who knows if he's really trapped there... stuck, looking for a way to claw himself out.

The thought of that made Logan shiver. This was all just so fucked up. But he kept reading. The next lines made him sick.

"Depending on the age and size of the child, and the degree of force used, child sexual abuse may cause internal lacerations and bleeding. In severe cases, damage to internal organs may occur, which, in some cases, may cause death. Herman-Giddens et al. found six certain and six probable cases of death due to child sexual abuse in North Carolina between 1985 and 1994. The victims ranged in age from 2 months to 10 years. Causes of death included trauma to the genitalia or rectum and sexual mutilation"

It pretty much said what the doctors said, how he had been torn inside, and the degree of force was bad... real bad. Carlos could die... because of that man... doing it to him. He was only 15... too small. He was just too small to have that happen to him. Logan couldn't even fathom an even smaller child going through that.

"He was only 15." he whispered, looking down at the book resting between his spider-like fingers. Gripping tightly he got significantly louder, screaming.

"HE WAS ONLY 15!" tears of anger and despair flowing from once bright brown eyes.

"Seriously? Sir this is a library and if you can't respect that then you need to leave." a man with dark eyes and spectacles said peeking around a book shelf, frowning at Logan.

"Fuck you." Logan didn't even care as the man looked indignant, huffing, as he stormed away.

He kept reading, wiping the tears away, like he wished he could wipe away the pain. Pain for his best friend, he felt so guilty it was eating him alive. Could someone die from too much guilt?

"Child sexual abuse may cause infections and sexually transmitted diseases. Depending on the age of the child, due to a lack of sufficient vaginal fluid chances of infections are higher."

Well... Carlos did not have a vagina, but you hear all kinds of horror stories about boys that get raped and get sick from the STDs they caught. Logan didn't want Carlos to have a life long battle with some sex disease. He didn't deserve that.

"He didn't deserve anything he got... but he still got it."

It was cruel, just knowing what had happened and how much more Carlos was going to have to deal with, _if_ he survived. _WHEN! WHEN HE SURVIVED!_

But Logan wanted to know more... he wanted to understand what Carlos had been through... and to do that he had to look up the demons. The ones that hurt the younger boys.

The serial killers.

There was this guy... his name was Dahmer... Jeffrey Dahmer and he was bad. Had a thing for molestation and brutally murdering his victims, sometimes he even kept souvenirs.

"In the early morning hours of May 27, 1991, 14-year-old Konerak Sinthasomphone (by coincidence, the younger brother of the boy whom Dahmer had molested) was discovered on the street, wandering naked, heavily under the influence of drugs and bleeding from his rectum. Two young women from the neighborhood found the dazed boy and called Dahmer chased his victim down and tried to take him away, but the women stopped him. Dahmer told police that Sinthasomphone was his 19-year-old boyfriend, and that they had an argument while drinking. Against the protests of the two women who had called 911, police turned him over to Dahmer. They later reported smelling a strange scent while inside Dahmer's apartment, but did not investigate it. The smell was the body of Tony Hughes, Dahmer's previous victim, decomposing in the bedroom. The two policemen did not make any attempt to verify Sinthasomphone's age and failed to run a background check that would have revealed Dahmer was a convicted child molestor still under probation. Later that night, Dahmer killed and dismembered Sinthasomphone, keeping his skull as a souvenir."

Logan nearly had a freaking melt down... the kid was safe, he had almost gotten away, only to have stupid cops (just ask James about dumbass cops) hand him over to the man that would kill him. He was so close... and it made Logan angry to think about.

Logan realizes that he's just sitting here... getting lost in the words and the lines, the truth that his best friend, his brother of more than ten years, may never recover. Physically or mentally.

"Oh Carlos... what have we done."

Logan at least had someone... Unlike Carlos romantically. He had Kendall. And no matter how bad Logan got... Kendall would always be able to bring him back. Thinking about this made Logan remember the conversation they had after their 'fun time,' in the hospital bathroom last night.

_"How did you get out of there anyway?" asked Kendall as the two made their way back to Carlos' room. Logan looked confused as he faced his boyfriend._

_"Out of where?" Logan asks._

_"Your head Logie... how did you get out of your head?"_

_"I found my way back to you... I'll always find my way back to you Kendall. It will always be you." Kendall smiled, placing a soft kiss on Logan's forehead before intertwining their fingers and entering Carlos' hospital room once again. __**Together... like they were always meant to be.**_

Logan remembered how he had almost broke... but Kendall.. He was his Knight in shining armour... he would always be able to bring Logan out of the darkness and into the sun, into the light.

"We can't be falling apart. lt's Carlos turn to fall apart. Carlos turn to be weak. We've had plenty of practice in the last two months worrying and blaming ourselves. Well now it's time to help Carlos. It's Carlos' turn to be saved... to be free."

Logan looked down, breaking from his thoughts as he felt his phone vibrate loudly. Reaching into his pocket he fished the device out before seeing he had received about 10 texts from Kendall. The blonde was freaking out, having no _idea_ where Logan had gone. Logan smiled at the concern that oozed through the texts, before explaining where he was and that he would be back soon.

After sending the text Logan let out a long, painful, and weary sigh. Things were only going to get harder... he realized. Things were only going to get crazier. Feeling his eyes start to water he looked down at his hands. No really seeing them.

_And Logan's just sitting there... looking towards the road ahead. Knowing in his heart that it's going to be a long and hard one. _

**P.S. Sorry if this was atrocious... I'm trying. **

**MyHeroRaven**


End file.
